A free weekend

So a free weekend finally means I get some cleaning done. Except today from a no screen day becomes got hooked on playing game. Anyhow, I'm done. I still have a few chores to do. 

Forgive me, ya Allah for wasting my time. 

A week here + real marriage questions

I had a good week here (not back at my parent's this week - passive oncall). At work, at home. It's a blessing. Ahh. I also did one extended shift (help my colleague out) which I think went well. A lot of work settled, making me much more relax at work. I cooked a lot, I did doom-scroll a bit. The work days was not bad. But the past 2 nights for weekend is. Still, I feel okay because I got a lot done during the day. The app lock limit does help, so I'm leaving it as of now. Intentional. I looked at my vision board a lot, reminding myself of what I want. I did a solo grocery + dinner date. It's nice focusing on delicious food, no rush, listening to my thoughts. I also did forgot a few grocery items, so I do have to go back again tomorrow.

One big thing, I did this week, well yesterday is writing my profile for matchmaking. I do like matchmaking setups using a matchmaker instead of online swipes. But professional matchmakers are expensive. And going through 10 real and absolute needed marriage questions, I got really tense in my neck particularly, spreading to my shoulders a bit. One thing, my high sense of personal autonomy does scares me if I'm suited for marriage. I don't want to jeopardise, or being unjust to someone else or feel like I'm trap and suffocated like when I'm home under an authorative mum. Another, is writing up examples on conflict with the last one I had (the one during Taiwan trip) is really bad & also rare. One, I don't run or settled many conflicts. Some are unsolvable when it's not my own like my father's or family situation, and some are just really big and speaking about it, meaning I'm revealing something bad about the other person. Like last year or Taiwan trip. Alhamdulillah, I'm reminded of a smaller conflict which still does portray how I handled conflicts. I do need to learn & practice better conflict management. Also, a therapist & coach. And not to mention I had to re-write half of the questions because of my phone's internet. I don't know what I'm doing, but at least I'm trying. Right?

10.58pm, gotta sleep.

TGiaH

An end of another shift. Taiwan conclusion.

Ahh. I miss my Taiwan trip so much & I keep going thru back the photos. I read back my last blog post & oh dear I do seem so negative which the amazing thing of a human is I forgot all about it & remembered the liberating feeling & eye healing places I've experience. I loved exploring Taiwan for its cultural look, simplicity and nature. The people are kind and honest which is the heart of it. Food, service french kissed. 

And you know after a full week of PF2, I am finally in my neutral state and having the time to brain & be excited for my next trip. I'll be in 2 countries. One is through layover but I'm anticipating visiting it. And my gracious parents let me be on the journey on my own. I still don't know how I am gonna safely navigate the destinated country I'll be going but I am starting to learn the language & researching a lot, for my safety. 

I'm so grateful that this time shift is so much better than the last. Some highlights are Albumin vs Immunoglobulin, Methadone, got 1 shift full of buzz, Chloral hydrate, TDM where the last night I've got three. Mostly it was manageable & I've got collegues whom I had to not be scared or ashamed to ask anything. I have to say to myself asking is not shameful, not knowing is not shameful. I am learning, one day it'll get better. 

I do half regret not going to the beach, but I'm also grateful I'm fully resting this weekend (I did go to a wedding yesterday). And Malaysia's haze make me so sad especially the drive back here. I do wish I have more time with my father. He's here for a moment than back the next. His health make me weep alone.

Weeps,

TGiaH

Can't believe I went to Taiwan

At this rate, I'll be doing every other task I procrastinated except writing this blog. I didn't blogged last week so yeah September has it lacks in blogs. Because this girl was in Taiwan. Flew Friday midnight/early morning, flew back in Tuesday midnight. So many things happened during this trip but the main thing I feel it's short. I feel another one more day would make it a little time to wriggle proper exploration. Also need a proper team player for it. 

Okay, for the list of things that happened, let's write the mix of good & bad. 

- Day 1: My bag's zipper broke in KLIA while we were waiting for boarding in the surau. Alhamdulillah, I bought a spare portable shopping bag so yeah an experience greeting Taiwan with it. Also, it turn into a shopping for bag hunt (kinda). I just went to Pier 2 bookshop which is Eslite Spectrum. Choose the cheapest decent bag yet of course it is expensive still compare to online. I love it. The amount of zippers & pockets is amazing (which I discovered after transferring my items). 

- Day 2: I lost my powerbank. I thought I left it at the hotel as I was rushed during checked out & too busy being mad in my head for my friend who woke up late (only after I set up my alarm to let her wake up, she woke up). We were in time for the bus. The back to Chiayi bus, yeah we missed it. My mistake for not checking The Temple (Shenmu) line train schedule. So we had a sore uphill walk & still missed the bus. Alhamdulillah our rezqi, we still got seats on the next bus. Also, while I tried to let go if my powerbank is lost, the next 2 days my friend is in charge so I'm not on my phone a lot. And while I got the experience of talking to hotel & a self reminder to always double check everywhere, my power bank is together with plug adapter pouch in my luggage.

- Day 3: My friend become a this spoiled manja kid attitude when we got back to hotel she wail of wanting to stay in bed when it's our last night out & when we agreed before of going to Ximending. Then have the nerve to not do anything & joke that's all after 5-10 minutes of standing at the same spot. I took it seriously & said she should go back & shoot off exploring. Yeah, what I did is immature but I did have enough of her antiques of not being mature. I though she went back on her own as it was very near. Anyhow, it's not easy dealing when I ask things to clarify (the day before) & she says hmm, then hmm. And it's weird her asking when to wake up when I replied we will go out at this time so you should be able to know when to wake up as you know how much time you need to get ready as everyone prep time is different. She did not spoke a word of sorry after what she did, so I did not too as what she did is not acceptable. I just talked as normal & put past. Still, a lesson of finding a suited friend for travelling.

- Day 4: Although it was her day of planning, as she schedule way too early for us to go to airport like 7 hours before. I kinda took over & we got into exploring nearby places. The one thing I did not know eventhough I googled is in Taipei Main Station there are 2 different platform for Commuter & Express unlike at the airport. She figured it out, so Alhamdulillah for her. 

Did I survive the challenge on travelling with a slightly difficult friend? Yes. Would I do it again? No. Haha.

There's so many places I saw that I'm in awe & interaction I appreciate with my just learned Mandarin 2 months ago as I booked the flight. Haha. But Taiwanese are so helpful & I'm xie xie ni for that. And dwai bu chi, grandpa that I accidently bump into your seat as I stumbled trying to get off the bus. I'm really feel awful for not saying a proper sorry before I rushed off (the driver closed the door in front of me before he opened it again. The food was delicious, fast & affordable. Just I feel I lack that time to tafakkur & just thinking, thanking Allah in moments of my journey. It was packed for 2. I think if anything solo is possible.

Kaohsiung Airport - Kaohsiung Main Station - Dome of Light @ Formosa Boulevard Station - Pier 2 - Kaohsiung Mosque & Halal Beef Lunch at the corner - Chiayi Station - Hinoki Village - Toko Tanah Emas - Alishan - Zhaoping - Taipei Main Station - Qingtiangang Grassland - Yehliu Park - Toko Indo by the jetty - Jiufen - Ximending - National Theater - Chiang Kai Shek Memorial Halal & Park - Halal Beef Daan Noodle (Michelin Star) - Tsuei Heng Pagoda with Taipei 101 background - Taipei Grand Mosque - Fried Master Chicken - 228 Peace Memorial Park with National Taiwan Museum - Taipei Main Station Shopping Mall & K-Shopping Mall.

Roughly~

Flight: RM1300 (20kg luggage but ended up using 12 to then 14kg back)

Easy card transport & airport : RM110

Express Train: RM140

Alishan Bus: RM 60

Tickets: RM40

Accomodation 3nights: RM350

Food & 7e drinks: RM150

Locker: RM15

Shopping: RM220

Roaming: RM60

Actual total around RM2400-2500 for 4d4n (excludes the emergency bought backpack).

Andd. Alhamdulillah my boss helped a lot of my receiving work so I got to focus & finished up all the nota minta work (I stayed up everyday the week before & care for my sick friend). Rested one full day yesterday. Done posted my pictures. And now, I made another hole to my pocket. Next trip, bismillah.

Peace Taiwan,

TGiaH

Skipped one week, busy with family

We had our last & I think only family vacation of the year before we meet again with our sister next year. It's basically a one night staycation. But the moments at the pool the next morning & trying to surprise our parents the very midnight. Precious. The place we booked is smellyy. Plumbing & ventilation issue. With only the weekend to spare, an Eid photoshoot the night. Definitely tired & I was upset that week because I tried so hard to make this shoot happened. From the clothes, to spending a ton. The total cost is RM1000 still. My sis helped so much every step. The photos turn out goodd. Alhamdulillah.

Then, this week with one public holiday off I spent the day with family, driving my father to apart, last mamak breakfast, ziarah the grave, full on grocery shopping (accompanying my sis), the evening until night with the bigger fam. Only 3 hours of sleep. Barely helped my sister pack. Then off to a very close to the 3 hours mark gates open. The good news, my sis luggage passed. My 'nephew' didn't, but after shuffling the weight, he managed. With every second counts, they passed the boarding gate 1 hour before the flight. Then, me had to rush to work. 10.30am, very very drowsy driving to work. Alhamdullillah I arrived safe. 

While I had a ton of work, the Friday & Saturday is a shift in my schedule. I worked the PF1 & ext shift. Then, I went to hijab shopping at Hijab Galeria, which I shopped a lot but regretted only after I iron the scarfs that I noticed some are sheer. Huhu. It definitely did not look sheer in the shop. Spent the whole Sunday outfit deciding & packing my bags this time. I am again, late to bed. 

Biznillah, I can make thru this.

TGiaH

A full week

Had a very busy work week, two events that spikes my emotional baseline which the poor work culture contributed to it but I tried a different approach which is ask support/solution/comfort from a friend & family. Other than to test is their response suits my needs, it also a nudge to me to be interdependent. Still, the events are kind of whatever & in scope moderate & not major. 

I went to Maha yesterday with ibu, it was nice if ibu's happy everything is good. Today is sister day & I really have to get ready to go out. Look into ibu's surprise birthday gift & a hair cut for us. Tonight, it's still gonna be another late night with my father's good friend inviting over his house before my sister takes off for another year of study. 

I stayed back & got lots of work done on Friday so I can catch up a bit on Monday. I'm still falling behind after a week of PF2 but I can do this In Shaa Allah. The cme next week? Haha. I think I'll just redah je. 

I got this, biiznillah.

TGiaH

Haywired Sleeping Schedule + Merdeka in KL

Alhamdillah I finally finshed the PF2 thing despite the slight challenge I every single step prioritise on being correct. I scarifaced a lot of after office hours to finish my job. It's what every new staff faces. Different rezqi. I'm grateful I studied, it did helped. And T helped me a lot especially when I'm with a clueless staff or things only PF knows and can do. Ending work at 12 definitely messed up my sleep and the loads of pending work I don't wanna face. I cooked curry this week so that's something. Really went easy on workout a lot of stretching & only like 8 minutes dance work out, My weight drop to at 49 which is yeay. I don't if it's because I actually reduced my work out (the resting gave my body time to burn fat) or I actually ate less (?). Yeah probably like 2 meals a day. But I also had some late night meals. Hmm. I didn't fast last week. Needed that energy. Oh & my left hand acted so bad that I thumb was swelling. It's painful. Also it scratch into my right hand too. 

Straight after work to home. Yeah. I just corrected my sleeping on Friday night now it's messed up again. Sunday & today I am so occupied with the Taiwan trip planning. I hope it goes well though I wanted to budget it's not that much of a budget trip especially with the flight ticket & coincides with their public holiday. Planning around dedicated prayer spaces also not wanting a trip too jam packed. I'm sorry to my friend if I overwrite her which means no intention but just I want both to enjoy the trip. 4 days is so short.. And MTAC warfarin next month.. Actually tomorrow yahh. 

At least we spent the night yesterday as a family & my first Chow Kit experience (ada majlis selawat) and the fireworks. Boleh la. Though we are on the opposite side. Not worth the jam though.

I need to fry some fish.. Aiyo.

TGiaH

First PF2, first Ext

Phew. Alhamdulillah. I think bc I passed the first experience of the respective shifts. I think I did fairly well with my current knowledge & experience. I'm very new to hospital system & my lack in hospital experiences. If were to compare with others that are the same as me, I think I'm comparable but with those who have experience definitely the differences in level. I do think in clinical; doses & adjustment I'm a bit better than last time. Also, I saw how busy everyone else also is so it's not just me. 

I'm proud of me for taking my job seriously & doing it the best I can with putting the patients care on top. Just the busy-ness, I do at points make doa "ya Allah, help ease this so I can go pray". And I think that's a reminder of what I'm supposed to do in life. 

I am stress & anxious evident last 2 nights with the fatigue, pain, soreness throughout my body. Also I pray "ya Allah, forever allow me to have the nikmat of sleeping, proper sleep". 

I'm okay now after the shift, able to grocery shop & drive home. With rezqi, Allah somehow plan me to be in darussyifa'. It was all green light at Melaka which is a first. I arrived here with care. Surprised my family here (got lots of hugs with abah) & with rezqi met my dear friends here. 

Allah, I am indeed scared of most things, every step of growth experience. I just in every way need You. 

Never, not.

TGiaH

Screen Addiction

I have a screen addiction. I find it very hard to not be intentional once I pick the phone up or when I do, it's for quite some time. It's especially prominent on my one lazy day (as I try thinking of other ways to rest but none come to mind) and when I try to put a cut off time at 9/10 pm ish, when I suddenly remember to search up something it's spirals to an hour long on the screen. It's very like wow and ughh how much screens are assimilated to my life. My morning routine, I need to screen to click the donation or as background positive affirmations, then working out I also need to look at a screen. It's a certain like I'm knocking my head with a hammer because I have this like sudden headache (which I never do) and right eye twitching (I really think it's from strain connecting to my right palpating temple). It happens at work which I continuously look at a screen. Today was a pretty good off screen day when I turned into searching up Taiwan to edit my itinerary because I was like wow, that's jam packed. Even writing this I have to face a screen. I'm so confused how the world has become. Our reliance our addiction. 

I thought but if I don't look up at a screen, what I am to do with my time? It's a dumb question I know but I literally in my lazy day don't wanna do anything 'work' if not my body is like heyy I need a breakk why so rajin everyday, so uptight. But as I was struggling to sleep last night (as I didn't have enough 'tiredness') to sleep, I though damn I could use all these times to ibadah. That's how I am supposed to fill my time. Then, la la la thinking other things, I am reminded how short my life here is. Arghh. Forgive me, ya Allah.

Geez, 

TGiaH

This week things: youngest birthday, adaf audit, missing pharmacy dinner, week 2 mandarin learning. 

Trying *note: trying* to learn Mandarin

First of all, my reliance of screens and internet is chronic. Literally like some thing embedded into my life. I left my tablet, then suddenly I don't have a work out video. I left my charger, then I have to learn to what to do without reducing the battery life of my phone. Hmm. In the simple mundanes day of my life, I am reliant to the internet. I did left my ebook reader too so that's a thing. I am. I am nervous about my evening to late night shift. I am nervous about next week's audit. I am nervous about how I am to settled a professional video for competition. I am a little scared of facing up my co-workers in view I still think I am not as competent as I want to be. But also, I need to rest down. I also need to settle our Eid hijabs. How am I gonna find a colour that matches perfectly? 

And.. Since last week, I am trying to learn Mandarin. I knew a bit of Mandarin tones beforehand but oh boy it's much bigger importance that I remembered it to be. The intention is I want to at least know a bit enough to survive travelling and not mock any natives there. Using up Duolingo, Youtube & C-drama here. Any C-drama that's interesting please? Hmm. I'm losing time with my sister too. It's only a month left before she flies back for her study.. And really what's my progress on marriage this year? I'm sitting in a really comfortable routine living on my own there, cooking & chilling, a bit of travelling.. 

Ee tian tian,

TGiaH

Salam Taiwan

Guess I did it. I book flight tickets 2 months before a trip. Ahhh. The worse part is that is still coincidences to public holiday there, so yeah lots of prayers also had to spent a bit more. Also nervous about the train tickets. So I'm like this whole 2 days in my head really into searching up & booking everything on this trip. I really need a restful night tonight & a focus workday tomorrow. At least I delegate with my friend though I literally think of everything just in case. Even planning 1 day is horrendous. 

So how did we get here? As Monday I'm still in my head travel buzzing I search a lot as also Sunday I got to know that the China trip is not confirmed so yeah I searched up whether Taiwan is suitable for DIY. And.. I think it's still manageable. Then ask my boss on Tuesday for vacation booking then ask my friend. Delayed the flight booking as my friend wanted promo (I want it too) as well as I need the idea to sink in. I want it to be longer & cheaper but I just need to deeply embrace even this is such a rezeki. Alhamdulillah. 

Anyhow, at least I went out ziarah my family bringing my sister around, ending up at home at midnight, andd chronically still on my phone searching up the trip until pass 1.30. Arhh. I haven't folded my clothes yet or iron my tomorrow work clothes & no dinner yet. Now. Stop. Focus. 

So I guess.. 

Bismillah Taiwan?

TGiaH

P/S: My warfarin mtac went okay. This whole thinking up the trip diverts my mind from nervously thinking about it which is both good & bad. I did tried my hard to study even with this unfocused mind. 

Eid shopping

Ahhh. This week feels so full as straight after my Friday lunch call, I got back here & went out with my sis for Eid clothes shopping. Thanks to T I was able to pray zohr during my shift. And that shopping spree continues until Saturday. It's my first going out trio with my mum in the evening & I would have to say with clothes at a bargain price makes a girls who don't spend happy. Although there's nothing much for me to spend. Anyhow, Alhamdulillah the girls' clothes for Eid & family portrait shoot is done. Leaving us with guys. I definitely see we can repeat this early shop routine again, rather than during Ramadhan. Especially now my sister studies away from home. 

So I'm on PF1 duty shifts. So the mornings are a rush with me having breakfast. While the evening if I don't get out the office by 4.30, I definitely don't feel the long evening. It's a little of trying my hard to maintain work with 2 hours less in the office. And I cooked a lot this week. Hence, I gained weight. 1kg. 

Also, yesterday morning I'm on a frenzy to get on a overseas trip again. It might work but lots of prayers. Hence, why I feel so tired this weekend. And now, I'm on my way to get visit my classmate' new baby. 

Really gotta go,

TGiaH

Second shift + Bowling failure

Haha. At least I played for played. With the finger holes too big, I adjusted during the second game. Used a 9. I was busy & tired for my shift. I did a Vancomycin study & case. Spent a lot of time on it the night before & in the morning. This shift is better because it's a half shift though. I had the house to myself this weekend which is nice. Though I half wasted my day, I made it up the other half. I made dumplings just roll it up though & cabbage rolls. 

10.18pm,

TGiaH

My sis is backk + my first Messenger (bowling)

The longest my family's been away from my lil sister. Haha. Even that I woke up a little late than planned. Though I'm grateful my abah got a little more sleep as he got back from Pinang. Seeing my sis super chill leaning back on wall checking out her phone. And her exactly matching colour with abah. I'm just grateful to see her. She just feel so chill & mature. 

I am the opposite. I feel so unacomplished and tired. This week is packed & getting my work progress in the stable mode? Hmm. I've been staying back everyday. And the day off to inovasi, though I'm grateful for the learning experience. I just need to get my job done. Yeah. I'm stressed. I didn't have much time to work out. 

This weekend is so far a good rest for me. Spending time with my family is a recharge, especially with my sis. Morning breakkie at mamak & a trip to IOI, just a small trip while my lil bro & ibu settling the house's wifi. And today turns to be my me day. I get to go out on a walk to a park I haven't been in so long & I worked out a bit. Actually even the movie yesterday night was nice. Just one thing, I left my ebook reader at my rental room.

I have another syift this week so I hope I'm not too stressed out about it. Ahh. I definitely am.

Also to note the same day my sister got back, I got checked by the doctor and everything looks good. But the trip after... My first bowl was the death of my bowling bowl (Messenger). I was sad & cried. Hugged my bowling ball, saying thanks for the experiences & the upcoming days felt better. 

Though I feel others got it worst, I still need to validate my own (ie: stress).

TGiaH

A week in IPD + my first shift

Ahhh. How to sum up this week. I've been holding up to much stress & fatigue that I cried after my shift. Who knew 8 to 4 (it was supposed to be until 3) passes so fast. Not to mention I hit a stand post (?), because my mind was thinking & my eyes was looking for the closest parking. I'm glad I choose to pray first. Yesterday night was certainly a pay back. I slept at 12. The shift was okay, just the last 2 hours is not & the person on my next shift, well.. I'm not very fond of her.

The situation is I lack in my hospital skills. So ipd, tdm, clinical. I'm learning & picking up from scratch. I am proud of myself for constantly putting an effort but this period is tough. This situation is tough. With only 2 weeks (1-opd, 1-ipd, 1-afternoon I voluntarily took out my time to tag tdm, and another 1-afternoon for mtac warfarin) while being a full time logistics pharmacist before I had the work the after office shift. I'm grateful enough for not on night call (they call is disaster call). But everytime for weekend/public holiday shift, I think my body will struggle again. 

I think I did pretty decent in ipd. I took my time but I'm not wrong which is by right important as a pharmacist. Just I don't like being with people who undermine that there are pharmacists who don't know everything which is very valid depending on what their experience is so far. My lil sis in in Turkeyy. Can't wait to see her tomorrow.

10.34am, Melaka, otw the way home.

TGiaH

Trying out night shift (well.. half of it)

Ahhh. Is it really the night before Monday? Ahhh (*wailing), I'm not ready for work yet. Haha. It's really interesting in a way that though I love work & feel super fine during work (not dreaded or anything), I don't anticipate having to go to work. I kinda tag a long my colloegue on her night shift. So woke up at 2.30 (slept at 10), got back home at 6.40, didn't sleep again until 1. So I guess sleep is a little messed up & my body feels weird. But the thing is the night shift here is a breeze. Well.. I guess whose on the night shift. 

I get to spend time with my family for a day before driving back here Saturday evening for the night shift. Going to weddings are a nice way to spend time (and straightforward too). I am staring myself a lot in the mirror in front of me. I think I looked nice even with dry messy hair (I need to oil my hair after this). I made fried rice from sushi & that's something. I pray it last until Tuesday lunch. It's seems like a good packed lunch option.

Travelling laptop,

TGiaH

Turning a plan to another plan

So.. My appt was cancelled. I cancelled it. It kinda shows my values though. And within the same evening (after 5 at work), I said to myself this is Allah's plan & what's next is better. So instead of waiting it out October, I found a midway to a female clinic who I go to pilates to. The price somewhere in between so I guess it's okay. It show me also where I am in wanting taaruf. So I guess the event taught me in some way. 

The undecided thing is whether to go back to my parents home for the weekend as I had cancelled my appointment. I was weirdly fatigue after my morning walk on Saturday, which messed up my whole sleeping schedule. I forgot which part was my deciding point. I think for the study for next week + its only free week before my sister came back + the fatigue. 

I got into a super slump as I got into gaming. A short gateway turned into unstoppable mindless indulgence (and it's an idle game - Dragon Hatch. Aiyoo). It was then 1 in the afternoon. But I turned my day up as I went out for groceries + cooked with a more calculated indulgence. I actually did a lot before 1 too, cooked breakfaat, wash & hang my sheets, pray dhuha + reciting the Qur'an. But I feel super down & uggh but I don't know any other word than bad. 

I made my own chicken-thai noodle soup. Ahh. It's comforting when the food you made is good. Alhamdulillah. Another super fatigue after my early dinner walk, but I'm okay as long as I'm sleeping in back at the right schedule. Does it count that I'm a medium size scared+nervous for starting tagging tomorrow. Allah please make it easy. 

Another, on my phone. 

TGiaH 

Drama marathon + servicing my car

I did a drama marathon on Teach You a Lesson (it was a bit meh in the end). So I kinda wasted 10 hours of my weekend time. That's the problem with me at my parent's house. I dunno how to rest but also have a good productive day here unlike my weekend at my own house. I organised my life. Here, I'm just lazy. I miss my parents but I don't know how to spend my time with them without them getting worried (by my clingyness of wanting hugs) or without me getting agitated. Example at lunch I felt a bit agitated that my dad is not supporting that career in a hospital of course comes with working shifts & I'm not just settled down, I will be having tagging at 2 different departments for me to actually be able to do my shifts. 

One thing that made my day a bit is reading my old colleagues notes where the word reliable is written. That words bring me a smile. I miss having a group of same age work friend, something I realised it's not here. All around I'm working with people 10-20 years older than me, the respect I have for them but also the mismatch in relatable things we have. It's just different. I had my car serviced yesterday, spent only ~RM140, Alhamdulillah. Drove all the way from Melaka at 8.30, arrived at 9.58am. Half an hour before my appointment. The battery's good so I hope it last until the next service or until next next service. And next week, another appointment.

I slept quite a lot today too, I don't what's wrong with me. And I'm always nervous for Monday's drive.

Currently azan maghrib,

TGiaH

A weekend on my own

Writing this on my phone. Sunday morning. I was planning for a morning walk then as I change clothes. The rain slaps. I pray I get a nice walk with beautiful weather & air in an hour. Aamiin. So I switch to hanging out + breakfast on the balcony. 

I had trouble sleeping last night. The mistake I made is upsetting. I feel worst. It's like I'm trying to do my job as well as possible. Then something slaps. I just wanna be competent at my job. Seen as competent. I don't know how to comfort myself. 

The rest of yesterday was good though. Having time to fully spend time for myself. I work out, enjoyed myself cooking. I made caramelised onion. I prep chicken. I did my room & took out the trash. It made me feel good. Except the fact I cried because I miss my family (particularly I want hugs like old times) seeing my mom post pictures of my dad with breakfast. I have to fight the thoughts of not coming home out of regret. Allah protect them please. 

It is a week,

TGiaH

4 days off? Too shortt.

It's fun while it last. Yeah, I did rest in a lot but also every day is a day out with weddings & today I guess the correct term is a play date with F's child. Haha. Other than the out events, I did half-dust my room, quick sort my docs, and since Sundays binge watch on The Good Doctor. I barely work out which is a bummer so I am gonna make it up after this. Even this blog I'm putting it off until the last minute. I just pick up the clothes that I hang to dry so that I need to fold. I'm half-hungry but I think I can held up until dinner. Hot bird is nice. Would buy again but not that quick. Ilao ilao? Didn't get it. Turns out these 30 years old ladies are more interested in plain cold mineral water. Haha. 

These past few off days, I'm thinking of marriage. Like at this point I don't know why I am not married excepts it's Allah's wills, do I actually wanna be married, or I actually don't, asking Allah for guidance is correct right, I should stick with what I wanna hold on to (my values). I'm implementing the advice from the book that there can be two truth. I can both want & don't want, it's black & it's also white. There's no just one. Both are valid in a sense & time. 

60 sen mineral water,

TGiaH

Cekodok pisang, shifting my mind to where I want (intentionally)

Either I'm too quick to judge or I am mind knows what I want, I think I am at a pretty decent place. To be aware and discipline my mind to not spiral is good. I have the control where to gear my mind and appreciate my life. I think it might be a Zulhijjah test? I don't know. But I appreciate the perks of me able to stay awake & do things I intentionally wanna do. I did a zikr+selawat date on the sejadah which was nice. Talking to Allah. Literally my bestest friend who I can flood everything too. I still haven't done my dua list for Arafah & sort my files but I managed to put extra effort into my work out & help around the house. I feel happy I cook nasi lemak (just the nasi), fried cekodok pisang and bring pak Jang on a drive. I journalled, read and did not feel guilty of just resting, which is nice. Praying jemaah with my family which I think shifts my whole aspect of time (so not to do often too).

So I guess thank you for the text? And none.

TGiaH

When it counts on you

I still can't believe it was last week that I went on a sea cruise. Something that's on my bucket list since uni days when my fam got to go but I didn't. What's even more 'amazed' is how fast life continues to move on since that trip. Does that trip was too short of an experience or not as impactful as any other trip. Though when I spontaneously decide I should post, I did come across some good photos of me with joy. What's certain is I feel grateful.

This weekend I'm back in my family home. I definitely see a clear difference on how unproductive I am here. I like own down time in my room but it does hit a sense of unease (I think it's guilt) that I'm not spending time with my family. I did very few this weekend and I really try to say I'm allowed to have lazy rest day where I do really basic stuff. It's for me to bounce back on Monday energize. 

While for work, I'm realizing I did a minor mistake of not confronting the higher up who propose my name for a 2 day workshop which is the week after eid where the workshop is redundant to the one I recently went but my unit's higher up. When I look this back it kinda feels like I went the back end but also I'm not sure how consulting/asking for permission to be away works when you're in logistics. Though I know on the other side or at that moment I have no intention of complaining just consulting because I think it's gonna affect my pending work. Navigating this kind of communication is a skill I'm tracing.

This week I went to ups and downs dealing my backlog/pending work from my 2 days holiday. I know it's not gonna be a finished job but when I have portion it out so I have targets I want to finish by the day and sensible for me to carry forward. I already have another workshop next week (I also went on 1 this week). So in every 1 day I'm away, the stress does builds and kinda wreck me. One good thing, I feel relieve when I'm doing my work because I see progress. So being at work, doing work is good. I'm also implementing a visual boundary technique of boxes and doors so I close it when I get back home, so my mind gets to rest and not spiral feeling stress about work. 

Another thing I wanna note, I was a hit with a small wave of regret because I feel I overshare my story here to my previous senior co-worker. Though I did plan to share a bit, I did slightly went over what I plan which I later realize it's because I miss having friends at work. This current workplace, I see my co-worker as co-workers but I don't have similar vibes or age group friends. I did not see it as a lack before because it's still a decent environment (upper decent). 

Tomorrow starts the best 10 days of the year (Zulhijjah). I really need to start get my head in the game. 

Young again,

TGiaH

Went on a Sea Cruise - mixed feelings, 30 hours without internet

Alhamdulillah. So I finally ticked sea cruise off my bucket list. It was partly fun & partly wrong. The very intention of the ship is for fun so yeah, all the haram-ness in it. Mostly with gambling machines. Alhamdulillah not much nudity, so I'm grateful for that aspect. Just it doesn't sit right when the vibes feels like enjoy this world & forget everything else that matters. Though I'm guilty for enjoying the theatre show. I appreciate how skill & how much effort & dedication they put into their passion. 

Also, another thing. No internet from 3 ish pm until I get to Malaysia the next day around 12 midnight. Though I love the 'away'ness from digital, I would very much like to be on my own when I am with my thoughts & emotions. So the whole while I am on the trip & I am enjoying it, I wish it was over because I just wanna be alone. I was tired. I was angry. In results, I talk about shoulds and ifs. The critique side of me came out. Though no one was hurt. I guess I am more of keeping myself to the promise while my friends are following the flow. So yeah, late. 

Other than that, my friend bought her cousin who married a Bosnian which is a wow respect to me. She was rather open she like mat salleh but wants a muslim practicing man. So Alhamdulillah her rezqi. I respect her because I'm sure she had her struggles searching the one & after marriage struggles. She seems happy with her 7 months marriage, so I'm praying Allah puts a lot barakah in it. Just for knowing the fact, reminds me that I really like getting to know the differences part of the world, the place, how they live, the food, the people. 

Writing on my phone as I don't have my laptop with me. A weekend away from my family. But I love my alone time. Still fail on the no screen part. I'm trying. Huhu. 

Sailing,

TGiaH

Down

I feel down. In my mind a 3 days off, there's a lot that I can get done. However, this is what happened.

Friday -  a full family trip day

Saturday - literally I just wanna be in my cocoon, not doing anything much (I did packed my luggage, wash my bedsheets & journaled)

Sunday - a good morning well spent, afternoon other than reading & blogging not much (dusting my bed frame gave me a good boost)

I know I wasting time but I hate it. Saturday I watched 2 not so good movies. It did not bring much meaning to my life. I hate not being able to clean more yesterday, and today I don't wanna risk it because if I really dusted my whole bedroom, there's gonna be a high potential I might get sick which has happened in the past. If I got the cleaning done on Friday, then Saturday, Sunday my body has time to rest & recover. Spendings tight with me not receiving my payback. The importance of emergency funds..

I am annoyed by the table's state. It does feel like I'm not taking proper care of myself. The opposite of what I feel when I'm in Melaka. In Melaka, I have a good structure. Except I wish a little more sleep in. 

Today, I'm reminded myself every few hours, pause make few minutes zikir. The most versatile ibadah, yet how minimal I incorporate in my days. In my slow days like this. I remind myself, take a little longer in my solah, in my ruku', sujud, reciting al-Fatiha. As this is my purpose in this world. 

To not waste time,

TGiaH

A hot summer

This weekend is definitely hot. I showered 4 times yesterday. Haha. While today, already a second shower at 2.  A semi-relaxed weekend, getting some things done but also resting (though my bed is like a literal hot pad). I just watched Ondo (Youtube) midway. I am slightly rekindled of how relaxing watching her videos can be.

This week I'm having a better pace at work, while adjusting to cycles of high and low work loads. Also this week, I even more late on Monday drive at 6.30. I need to be out as soon as 6 eventhough I made it in time at 7.40 ish. While the drive home on Friday was the worse this time at 2 hours (but I had a stop for 15-20 minutes so I guess it's okay). It's just more traffic. 

Trying to help my mom with her MyTax must be the big to do of this week. I'm gonna check her out after this. Also my bio teacher whatsapp me so that's something. I'm reading the Art of Being Alone, while I'm the first part is like the author seems like avoidant much, I'm at the content part where she brings context of sitting in our own head. 

Excited for a 4 work day next week,

TGiaH

Rest day or lazy day

You know what I did? I procrastinate writing this when by the time I open the tab, I proceeded to opening my phone & edited my CV required to submit on Monday. For 30 minutes. Haha. At least I got one thing done. And how I discovered how clueless I am to write my achievement & experiences part. While work has been stagnant, what can I brag as achievement? 

Today has been a lazy day. I would definitely call it that. Because I feel guilty of not doing anything and by anything is house chores. I just swept my room floor. Very minor. (And I cut my bad hair out. That's one thing too.) I put kdrama (Under The Queen's Umbrella) in the list to get me some rest. But in truth I am clueless of resting. I should do without digital stimulation. But I do also want to treat to some binge watching something. Yet, that's not good. What does well rested mean when my body is all still sore. Only I reminded myself I should use my rest day to slow down in my solat. Intentional. My word of the year. I can take my time in every recitation, every position. Pray as early as I can. That's the very least I can do in my existence. 

This week work is the first without the previous officer. So I am on my own. I think I navigate quite safely but also a bit of a few bumps. I contemplate of questioning but also I am such a people pleaser in my job. I am navigating learning how to properly do my job and position myself as I go. Although the people pleasing causes me stress and a bit of emotions to well up, I am subtle-ly appreciating the discomfort. 

Although the weekend hitting home, causes waterfall to stream down my eyes yesterday. Oh my poor dad, his business, me and I feel so sorry for my mom too. I pray Allah saves us, our Protecter.

I guess to rest. Rest is recharge, okay?

TGiaH

Week 2 at new work place

I'm sooo slow which means I need to catch up a lot on work which also means I'm frustrated. That's how I am in week 2. Haha. 

Also to note here I'm realising another point of how Allah really knows what's best to give me for my job. I thought I would be finished with my contract, travel wondering jobless, and get into my upskilling grilling mode on making a living thru some kind of idea which might be the unique purpose of my living. Instead Allahs give a permanent, stable job, 1 plus hour from my parent's home and in logistics. 

What I needed is;

- A constant dependable lower risk salary to help my family's finance.

- A place where I have my own time & space while still taking care of my family.

- A work which I am uncomfortable it pushes me to growth and appreciating my job.

- A job that helps the sick.

- A job that has balance with my own time (daily) as well as perhaps allows me to travel.

- And all in all, it's gets me in a state of constant gratitude and does not hinder my ibadah.

It is the right timing too. And hearing the next permanent placement open application is on end of 2027. Allah please replace them with greater rezqi. For my friends.

It is a great blessing. 

A little subtle show on values: Reliable, balance, growth, altruism/kindness, health, explore, religion.

Andd a busy weekend too. Today with Mubin, the business side of the family.

I'm in my zoning out zone,

TGiaH

Welcome to another 30 years of workingg

Assalamualaikum to a new work chapter, dear me. Haha. Huhu. Alhamdulillah a big blessing to be able to work in a thing I somewhat love. And this time, with this change of new department, I am not in place feeling lost rather I'm feeling a bit of the pressured to stuff as much and as fast that I can to be the competent worker I aspire to be. So I'm a logistic pharmacist now huh.

This week is like weeeee. Jogs right by. Monday, I was bye-bye-ing everyone then at 4 was off to my rental room. And straight the following day, I am in my new place. Definitely felt the exhaustion, and I though felt a bit guilty for driving out from home at 8, I needed the extra slow morning in. My sleep schedule is adjusting. So happens I wake up at 4 or too tired I slept at 8.30, but I think thursday I got adjusted. Then, Friday after work straight to Bangi. My fam home. My home home. I am kinda in a phase like feeling I'm going out kursus and not registering that this will be my last time meeting some of co-workers/friends. Probably my slow way of processing. Letting it come, when it comes. Overall, I feel fine. A shift.

Weekend was busy. 1 weddings, 2 open house yesterday. One with my co-workers, we had a small group and had a birthday surprise. I am feeling that somewhat this is an act of a guy trying to get into a girl. My 2 junior co-workers. Who knows? Yet, I feel somewhat sad for myself. I had an assumption that the old uni-guy has no interest in taaruf, so I put a solid stop and moving forward. Just, it's supposed to be easy right? For decent guys to be interested in me? Yet my life is such opposite. I'm gonna uphold my value and let my mind be full of thoughts of my Creator. The only one who deserves my attention. Yet, it is hard sometimes. I'm meeting my Bruneian friend tonight, In Shaa Allah. Let's enjoy my life, with no spouse searching worries.

Let's,

TGiaH

Last Day in Putrajaya

And.. The day has arrived. Actually my real last working day is Friday last week, while today Monday I'm having the day off to move and of course, I can't go without saying proper goodbyes to everyone I know. So I plan on visiting all clinics + pkd. I hope I have enough time as I plan to start the long drive at 1 (zohr). I also plan to drop by the mart for flowers (something to celebrate) & groceries. 

Raya week has been fun. However the not so fun part is my mind circling in the idea of a guy. The reason because is I told my father when he ask me about potential candidates. I even reach the thinking of asking out for taaruf. Although initially I'm pretty chill about it, but because I told my father, it suddenly becomes such a potential my mind can not rest on it. It's getting calmer, but I do hope I get back to the chill let it be feminine state. The right person will come at the right time. 

Am I sad about leaving putrajaya? It is a definite future I have known for a while. Although I'm pretty calm (because I'm distracted that's one reason), and I wanna it to be happy thing. I have to say to myself it's okay to cry a bit (after I finish my thank you speech without crying that is). Okay, I'm really 35 minutes late from my plan to get out the house yet I'm still not ready. Gotta go.

Bismillah for this new journey,

TGiaH

Eid Fitri 2026

I'm so in a rush. Haha. I was supposed not to. But shopping my things online sets my time off. Huhu. Dunno what's wrong with the app but yeah it's not fun when you wanna purchase just one but upon checkout turned to 4 of the same thing. Hello, shoppee. So I'm late to meet my friend. Not late, late. But later than my expected time. Still, I have to blog even it's super past my due. 

Eid come on Saturday in Malaysia. Alhamdulillah for another day of Ramadhan and a blessed Friday. I think this Ramadhan teaches me about doing with my capacity and my greed for ibadah. A constant healthy body and time. Well, everything is Allah's rezqi. 

Saturday - Eid here & dad's side. The drive back home, super missing my sis.

Sunday - Tapah eid road trip. Had fun and chill with three of us, dad, L and me.

Monday - open day house. A few coworkers came and I'm super happy spending time with all. 

Tuesday - The fatigues catch up, so a little flare. Ziarah my grandma's grave & my mother's side.

Wednesday - morning me time and out with my coworker in the afternoon.

A discussion since Sunday is eyeing for potential suitors, and Idk. With all raya visits, either I slightly wanna avoid guys who are not as up par, I decided to be open that I might have a potential suitor of my own. Despite we talked in coincidence, when last night came, the more I thought, the more I think why not just give it a shoot? The worse thing is only getting rejected and the best is the experience. Gotta go.

Eid mubarak,

TGiaH

Unfocused, time wasted

Tonight's gonna be the 25th Ramadhan and how my past week of period has been? Wasteful. Ughh. I really hate myself for that. Instead of going all out on istighfar and doa, I literally waste my time in bed. I almost redeem myself yesterday but nope, I lost again. I am so afraid of not making full of my time to make lots of prayers, I can't miss the chance of Lailatul qadar. I can't. It's is the only weekend I am free a bit from having something to do. Yet, yahh. Wake up, S. I need to seize this chance of turning my family (in particular my father's) destiny around. Also, even I half want-don't-want-marriage, who I am to let go of a diamond's chance worth of getting a lifetime heavenly spouse? 

Ya rabb, please forgive me.

TGiaH

Not knowing how to relieve stress, a delay

One thing I have to be honest this week is that when I'm on the roll on 'busy'ness which include slight anxiousness but also actually stress with high alertness and energy usage. Basically my body was on a roll without me wondering what's wrong and how to put pause.  The high on going stress dealing is me somehow having to deal with tiredness, my painful hand, my ongoing brain of figuring my move with work & room rent and the biggest keeping up with my ibadah goals & really squeezing my best out of Ramadhan,  I am yes somewhat somewhere in the zone. 

But Alhamdulillah, my period came so the pause came. I can know focus a new slightly relax routine with istigfar and doa and probably lots lots of tafakkur. I picked out a room yesterday. Spent the whole day visiting rooms, at last the cutest one is the one with the best parking so.. Alhamdulillah. I'm praying for a good housemates and a seamless integration into their routine (also in the searching shop for home items). Alhamdulillah for the car conversation, I think I might be ready to experience another taaruf. After eid that is. Tonight 'iftar' with F & Y In Shaa Allah, though I already miss the idea of iftar here with my family especially abah.

Getting my ironing done,

TGiaH

Have Not Expected This

Monday, the rayuan results is on out. I got not Johor or Pahang or Sabah, I've got.. *drum roll* 

Melaka.

Haha. I think my first reaction was I got the rayuan and it's Melaka. My brain was definitely running processing mode because what I mentally prepared for back then was not this. It was not on the list of expected outcome in my mind. Told my boss, my other friend. She checked first and told me she did not get it. Huhu. So I was I don't wanna check yet. I wanna pray solat istikharah and check. But I told to myself I can't always wait out to take wudhu' and solat every time, I really should just ask Allah and pray because in real time, sometimes we don't have the luxury. I was feeling grateful and good that day. Also spent the whole day until night back & forth, whatsapping people. Trying to figure out the best facility, inform and noting their results. Slept late. And I was still half sick.

Tuesday,  off day, 12 ish. Called JKN Melaka. Haha. I think I did spoke fairly good and bad also. Huhu. My speaking govern-ish skills nu-uh. So yeah, I got worried hearing Hospital Melaka and toxicity. Fearing my condition stopping my work too. So spent my whole off day which should've been a luxury Qur'an day, on writing another surat 'rayuan' which is more of a suitability request. Stressed out because of piling work. List A Kaunter (still not finish), writing this surat rayuan, and knowing I have the be the pencatat minit mesyuarat. 

Wednesday, sent it in the morning. Spent another night, writing a response email. I want them to see I'm neutral, capable but with limits. 

Thursday, finally to the masjid. How I missed it so much. 4 rakaat of tarawikh and continue and home because I was afraid no one else have the keys. Also, damn the meeting was so packed with makluman. 

Friday, pushed myself. 20 rakaats, masjid. My mind was elsewhere. Upset.

Saturday, iftar IKRAM. Was able to have moments of refocusing but not grateful with getting a runny nose during solat.

Sunday.. I'm busy on my laptop. Also, little in a hurry for my Qu'ran reading. 

I feel I lack so much doing and presence this Ramadhan. :(

It was raining beginning writing, now it stopped. Gotta fuel my car.

TGiaH

Sick in Ramadhan

Writing this 15 minutes near to iftar. I got sick. The thing is this week been a dream, had 2 days off then Ramadhan starts (tarawikh starts at the night of the 2nd day off), school holiday so the drive way is clear, Friday lunch call so I get to go home early, so everything is so nice but by Allah's plan I'm sick. I doubted I was sick. I was feeling tired, muscle aches, dry throat but my throat is sore too, so I was confused, this Ramadhan hitting hard? Then yesterday otw to family big iftar, I felt the nasal pressure. So yeah I'm sick. With slight fever. 

I'm teaching myself to navigate this sickness (likely viral infection) with compassion. It's okay, put a halt to jemaah tarawikh. I'm allow to pray alone, if it means extra rest. Big goals and it's always been that way. But I thought to myself with all the specifics ibadah, my work is my biggest ibadah that I need to prioritise, so I try to rest really. On juz 9.

One of the most grateful thing, being able to decide to purchase a new laptop (so new keyboards, a bit of getting use to). My original laptop since 2014. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

7.24pm (maghrib 7.28pm)

TGiaH

Arghhh

Haha. I just finished my 2026 vision board. Reminder to myself please limit the photos you choose. Started on my laptop at 6 and now it's 2 minutes to 9. And funnily I decide my word of the year is intentional. Not intention but intentional. And yeah, as always applies to everything. Intentional with my solat, my rest, my time, how I wanna invest my connections, in what I eat, do, plan. So yeah, what I just overdid with my time is not intentional. Huhu. 

I kinda wanna list my word of the years because I forgot, so hopefully the first 2 years I'm right.

2022: Explore

2023: Invest

2024: Clean

2025: Bold

2026: Intentional

This weekend is pizza weekend and note yesterday I did a full afternoon binge (I though I deserved it, but now I'm regretting not doing my visual board earlier). The binge is Hero Without Class/Classless, I like stories revolving hard working characters who smart enough in their success and humble. So yeah, I binged it. Except the uncomfortable concept in the series. Ughh. Also another highlight is yesterday wedding got living fishes in the flower vase. Haha. Another neighbour marrying a neighbour. And I submitted my RVD EchoTraining logbook. Did pilates & bowling (it's been so longg). Bought my bro's dadih as jamuan. Alhamdulillah, rezeki for him. I also created a infaq poster for him using gemini this morning because I thought I had time. Lol. So not true. I should've done my vision board. Ended up spending 3 hours on that too.

Ramadhan's comingg,

TGiaH

Chilling about fate, trying my best while not knowing what's best

So yeah, Wednesday come. After taking a wrong turn, we arrived at the cybercafé at 11am (parking is freee). Then 8 minutes before, error page came. Haha. It was back at 2 minutes to 12. But no click button until 12.20, I should've recorded the screen. Haha. Had problem with the click button because it will scroll to other states, huh. I managed to click Johor but did not passed the verification button at the next page. It got stuck then appear some half pop-up kuota penuh, so back button left with Sabah & Sarawak. In a split thought, Sabah it is. My reaction? Okay. Haha. No disappointment or anything. But to say, poor my friend I. She's got stuck at until 12.03pm and only Sarawak is left. Told my family, my family reaction was devastated. My dad said this is what he feared..

The next reasonable step is submitting an appeal. It took me hours long to construct the letter, despite even using chatgpt. It did not cut the time. I submit the appeal yesterday, resubmit it just now as there's no confirmation submission email. Aiyaa. That's basic procedure. Anyhow biznillah Allah will give me the best in all worlds. I did my RVDMTAC echotraining presentation on Friday. Fuhh. The slight bit of roller coaster this week. Yesterday was jam pack with weddings. I got my period yesterday too. I send of my dad to the airport this morning & our neighbourhood had an open day which is fun with the stalls, animals, fire fighter. I'm not going the evening pilates, even though the idea feels so good & my body feels good as chatgpt reminded me I'm on my early period. Hmm. So.. Now that's left is tidying & reset for the week. 

Let's rest,

TGiaH

What's my fate?

I'm feeling a little lost, a little scared as my mind absorbs that this life is a just a tiny part of the length of time of actual life. I don't know what's on my mind. I am. Lost. With this upcoming placement war race, I can't help but feel like what I'm supposed to do? I want the new place to be gentle, kind, healthy for me, but I also want growth. I also want safe, for my family, for myself to work long long years ahead. I.. 

I've been busy over the weekend. Weddings, family, staff farewell. And I may or may not say a thing that I regret. Recording an unboxing, it slip out my tongue, making the gift less sincere. I went to the Dr's, regretted I didn't took the advantage of medical support for placement. All I know is I finished my report, slides and just a little left of my logbook. My 2026 vision board, I guess it's put aside, again. 

Doing the right thing or supposed thing, without eating up by guilt. Like I feel I should go to ds, as it's public holiday today & this upcoming Wednesday is a big thing.. But I feel like staring at the wall, deep in my thoughts, my world.

What should I do?

TGiaH

Back to back & The Voice of Hind Rajab.

If only I don't this RVD case report & presentation thingy, I have more time in between. This week I finally reach my last counselling for RVD, then only later I finally received my case for me to work on. Desoite having the Thursday off whole day & Friday half day, I still in a rush as my Saturday & Sunday are full. Well, 2026 vision definitely for February to do. Haha. The Thursday I did not why, that for the longest, I woke up midday like what? I did night shift on Tuesday & volunteer on Wednesday night, but I have no clue my body needed that much. So basically my week was;

Monday - fasted except little to maghrib I knew I can't (lady call)

Tuesday - clinic night work shift.

Wednesday - help packing bags at ds.

Thursday - off day; half sleep, settle my finance, key in data for case (some were wrong), & other pending to do.

Friday - watch The Voice of Hind Rajab (all humans should watch!), close up talk with my friend.

Saturday - all the morning to do//routine, wedding, back redo my data, then big work dinner (I dressed up, a bit).

Sunday - helping out ds which I had promised 2 months ago, another wedding, did my book review, now here.

Had to blog first, because I might be too unbothered to do after I am done with my supposed target case progress. For The Voice of Hind Rajab, a walk thru what happened, with real recordings. I watch it to let my mind remember, to let my heart not die. Here I write what reposted by the official Instagram of the movie, rightly written.

"This wasn't just a movie. It was a voice that stayed with me long after the screen went dark. A reminder how loud silence can be and how heavy it is to carry stories that never should existed. Some stories don't ask to be reviewed, they ask to be remembered."

I'm done,

TGiaH

Inter-relationships

I'm writing this on a Sunday morning. My stomach slightly churning, this week been sensitive.But I don't se what's the problem with yogurt. Haha. Lactose intolerance denial. But really, I though I'm not that lactose intolerant. (Ahh. Byk angin. Lupa.) When I think back on this week. It's a week of me for others. Wednesday afternoon, after a solo lunch date & laptop surveying, I shop pizza slices for birthday boy, I. Then, Friday lunch meet up with F which then I'm late. Haha. A little humiliated by my boss, but oh well. At least I got a free birthday buffet paid by F. Yesterday, farewell gathering at locum (then this morning I found out I have to buy my father's meds, so again at pharmacy). Today, with A as taaruf chaperone. 

So yeah.. Do I get my me time? Yes. But not enough. Haha. Though it's good being in my discomfort zone. Ahh. The dust at my table's corner is bothering me. Haha. I guess I'll do my vision board next week. Oh another update, the back space between my shoulders, it's sore.. CCM oncall duties, may Allah ease.

Simple update, I guess.

TGiaH

In my own..(head?)

Sunday evening.. Writing this. I decided for a 'no' screen time day, so I try to be very intentional with picking up my phone today. One thing I figure I use my phone a lot when anything curious past thru my mind. It's also a light drizzle in rain today. I met up with S yesterday, returning her book after 6 months, living in different states is what it is. Some of what she says hits, some of what I says hits me too. I'm grateful for the conversation and our relation still. The air feels different, not exciting as I had remembered just that it hits. One of the thing is my medical check up, define 'healthy' also I forgot about the health condition might or might not affect the job offer as per email. So that's one thing. So now I'm regretting not thinking her way. Her point is easier for if placement request. And placement thoughts. What do I want and what do I best choose? I know what everyone wants. Just Allah what is the best? Guess, I know what I want. Calm work, balance healthy life for everyone and able to do a good job.

Like today, I let down my ds girl, A. They have the stats volunteer day. I'm glad I didn't say yes. At the time before, I know I need to prioritise a day in for myself. Rest. Then, happens I got my period. So a day in bed is much needed. I feel sore. Period sore. I went out pretty much yesterday first with S and the evening night to a desi muslim millionaire wedding. My school senior, Dr/kak H got married yesterday. And that's so aww. Turns out her husband is family with my ex-naqibah. Haha. Today I still went out to my neighbours wedding as I didn't go yesterday. Imagine your neighbours are your in laws. I've been in bed pretty much just reading Me Before You. Now it hits the spot after 70% into the book. Did some light stretching. I kinda feel like painting after this. <The rain has come.> My uncle is still with us. I'm scared of his food might be aspirated. I'm just in an emotional, mental overload mess.

The 'mamaks' wedding. Yesterday was the walimah. 

- Food dome in every table.

- Rented out the whole level of Bank Rakyat's floor (in KL!).

- Light show.

- Food show.

- Kompang show + cake cutting.

- In house production of the wedding songs with the couples name.

- Bollywood style video for the mehendi & nikah (both at event halls).

- 7 levels parking lot (4 levels for G).

- New 'high end' car for the couple (one for each).

- Side; 3 albino siblings.

It was overwhelming for me. Grateful for me (that I'm not born into that world. Also getting to experience) and them. That's part of their rezqi. Alhamdulillah.

Glad I'm not 'desi' enough,

TGiaH

2026. The start of a 3.

And 3 meaning my 30s series. Umm. Writing that makes me flinch a little. Despite me being quite okay with it last year, but when entering this year being a 3 means a whole new life decade is starting not just a year (and unmarried, another thought). Am I be able to me more relax and mature? More feminine and me, in a a way? I don't know. I just finished writing my 2025 recap, I thought a first I don't have to necessarily do it the last night of 2025, then entering the new year ah I remember I might forget the actuality of last year. So I have to write it as soon as possible.

I might not make a new vision board for this year, just continuing off last year. Like I wanna have a colour analysis, getting to know my own fashion, doing cafe & book dates, reading on properties, learning ai and I still need to practice trading. Other than, continue my reading, conscious eating, creative outlets. Also, with the new 'era' of a highly likely new work place. I just wanna focus on taking care and surviving. No need for other big goals but this. We'll have to see how this few upcoming months goes. So my word for the year might be Care (for myself). I accepted the offer Monday, did my medical check up and oath (?) on Wednesday and uploaded up on Friday.

I'm writing this on a Saturday because I didn't do my laundry today. I did do my bedsheets on new years that's soo nice to have especially with a new year and new fresh flowers. Uuu. I love the flowers I got this time. I notice I'm chilling down allowing myself on the phone a lot. Hmm. Trying to teach my body resting without screen time. Oh well. But it's nice to get a movie in a free day off besides one small task. Pak njang back yesterday evening. Alhamdulillah. I henna-ed my hair Monday & got a hair cut last week Friday. 

I so need to go to the toilet, sorry.

TGiaH

2025 Recap

Bismillah..

Monthly highlight.

 January: I decided on doing & did the tasme' ds. Decided on new glasses!

February: Brunei trip, started my own 30 talking youtube video, did my first 'blind' taaruf session.

March: Ramadhan while juggling taaruf session with a psychopathy and ending it. Putting my self-healing/development to a test.

April: Ahh. This was a roller coaster of emotion. My parents were my worst enemy in this month.

May: The car accident which Allah saved me but I lost my car (the last message too). Witnessing everything with gratefulness. I got Syawal, my new Ativa car within around a week. I & L convocation. New cc.

June: Driving ibu and H to their convocation in Perak the very next weekend I got my car. The family korban on Eid Adha and the ME. Huhu.

July: Settling my car's takaful on my own (seriously feel like an adult). I tried started a youtube channel using ai for my side income while doing overtimes. Got my car tinted.

August: Continue doing overtimes while decided to stop the videos as I won't be able to monetise. Super tired all the time = burn out. Set up my car's dashcam.

September: Driving to Bagan Datuk, the disaster trip of Pangkor and Cameron Highland family trip. Trying to recover from burn out. The arrival of kittens and the death of their mom.

October: The 180 degree study turn for S. An emotional roller coaster week. Trying to take care of super baby kittens, from 4, 2 survived. Seeing the start of a new kind of friendship.

November: Last tasme' which is tasme' herba. Did pilates for the first time and started to take working out more seriously. Another new cc.

December: Convocation! Alhamdulillah I made it. A trio girls trip at Cameron Highland and I drove to there with the dark of the night and fog. Surprise permanent job offer.

2025 Reflection

1. Name three words that best describe my 2025.

Bold, safe, care.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
It's okay to prioritize which also means I don't have to be capable of doing everything.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Trying even though I scared. Getting a new car. Using shopee pay & spaylater as my main pay mode to maximise cashback.

4. Best decision I made this year.

Saying no & displaying my emotions even when it's tough (to my parents).

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
Darussyifa' convocation.

6. Who helped you get through 2025.
The yearly obvious answer is Allah. If it's a what helped? It's my prior investment to a healthy regulation & healing.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?

All my worries are valid. If I have to choose one, is money worry.

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
Stronger definitely.

9. Happiest moment of 2025.
The moment I realise I was able to drive my car with much less anxiety.

10. Saddest moment of 2025.

Saying goodbye to my lil sister S at the airport.

And that's 2025,

TGiaH