The thorn within and the fast thrown dagger

Over the last 28 hours (since 6pm yesterday), the processing with up and down tears is in progress. All due an unhealed trauma response of an unemotionally intelligent person. Unfortunately this is what my family have to face. One can neglect the cost of time, emotion of others due to one own definition of giving the best. But in truth it's self defense and sometimes a bit of selfishness too. I (hopefully) never fully understand how can someone be selectively emotionally blind to others. Saying congrats but the one receiving the decree is in tears. And all one terpaksa hadap. Telling the story is one thing but telling the story here is another. As I try my best to keep other's aib, I'll write the whole story in my journal. 

To my dearest sister, I come to realise I am more attached to you than I thought. Our codependence on each other. Our sisterhood. A rezqi until this time Alhamdulillah. I have your back until the day Allah unwills. Akak sayang Jidah. I'm sorry I don't have enough to shield the pain of this. We both feel helpless in this. More than else, Allah is our Rabb, Allah is our Ilah. To Him, He knows and to Him, we rely on. And yet we are only human.

We went to Cameroon Highland last weekend. Probably the last family trip we are having in a while. We went after 10 years. A momentary joy before the very day the news of death came. A one year old child twin from a couple who waited 14 years for the children, gone to instant death due to a lorry shooting straight to him. And the mother is my foster cousin. Husayn. Similarly your death clicks when I read the death of the Prophet Muhammad's  SAW grandchild. After the tahlil, a joyful sending at the airport for my cousin's son study.

These past fews day it feels like the truth that we are nothing but Allah's plan is rammed into my head over and over again. But anything Allah.. I hope I only speak good words. To remain the humbled servant in this temporary hellish dipped in heaven earth. Forgive me. 

And yet You are never ending Merciful,

TGiaH