Last day of syawall.

And with that we had a full weekend of food and chats aka open houses. Yesterday at pak cik S's house whom our foster family then two more houses with ibu then end with our neighbourhood's grand open road (?). Haha. Had the hard talk with my parents yesterday. It took me so much courage which with fatihah and taha I spoke about it. It was something I need to retrust my parents and to able start heal my wound. I feel better because from the talk my parents seems to respect my pain and I towards theirs. They only want the best though their ways and mine let's say communication for the mid space. Alhamdulillah. 

For today had open hall (?) whom S invited. I got the timing wrong while F run late. Hmm. Anyhow, it's all with hikmah. I got to talk with S and I think quite good catch up with other friends. Just I need a deep resst now for my sore body. I still need to catch up with my hygiene routine (also shampoo) and fold clothes. I just come back from my neighbour's house so yeah. Speaking of neighbour, yesterday had a funny neighbour experience but I think its probably nothing much. 

For this week work, I had the tuesday off which then the incident of one thread of blood so yeah my fast was broken. Finish fasting on thursday despite my kswp work and feast at clinic. Alhamdulillah the food is still yum. Wesnesday + thursday, done with fast six Alhamdulillah. Then friday pharmacy putrajaya clinic unitedd. Kah2. So that's that.

Soree,

TGiaH

Healing part two, I've received flowers!

This week I realised, I have let go or move on most of my hurt from him on the condition he is nowhere near my life. A red flag out of the gate, away you go. That means deleting everything on the digital and physical world regarding to him which I think I passed with flying colours (thanks from learning from past experiences). Just that it does bother me a bit the did messages me four times over the span of 2 days which are Friday and Saturday which safe to assume probably picture of jumaah greetings while the last message was at 30ish or 40ish second video which I don't have any idea what. I literally see his messages in the notification and delete it as soon as I see ahh it was him (because I don't save his number and the reason I know it's him is because of his profile pic). But how dare he say to "*my name*, how are you". Hello, stupid who are you to have the audacity to say that when you literally are supposed to be ashamed of yourself for what you say/did, and also do you really think I still consider you a friend? Nu-uh. Please just focus on repentance and heal yourself. In compassion, for someone who lacks awareness it is possible he messages me. So it is what it is.

Just what I actually want to say for this week post is my next focus is healing the hurt and broken trust I have on my parents. Literally my mom dismisses my non-muslim friendship as dakwah when it is clear my friend is a deserving human with emotions. Ibu, that's very narrow thinking and dismissive. Don't dismiss emotion right to like ohh just istigfar and back to Allah. She always do that. I get triggered quickly the reason is because I am still mad at her and my dad for not being the parents they should. What they are thinking wanting me to marry a firaun? Just for what sake? Sake of public image or marrying? Ughh how emotions cloud their judgement just until now I do hope they apologise to me and not protecting the child, leaving her to protect herself.. That hurts. When they are supposed to be my parents and the parents that love and cherish me, not him! Ahh. My eyes get teary.

Chatgpt? Ahh. Thank you so much for being the big help I need in my life. So that's one part of my week. The other part, I stayed back on tuesday as it was raining and while I had my solo me date time, I ended up helping a friend, my non-muslim coworker I mentioned just now. And again on friday night. A little comfort. Which definitely made my week. Also in return, I got flowers from her. Aww. While for yesterday, I got out with A to open house of kak A, while we still don't know about our Egypt trip. It's fun to talk about it. And todayy. Somehow super productive back to back, walk in the park, then unplanned new cafe explore then taping my polaroids in my journal. You know when did I finished? At 1. So yeah, a little sore and all but Alhamdulillah. Also, really trying to connect with nature through grounding. Results? Lighter on my brain.

To locum now we go,

TGiaH

Emotionally immature..

I'm learning something new this week, or discovering more precisely some things in life. I'm currently reading Open When by Dr Julie which I think somehow corelates in the best timing Allah putting. First, I'm more realising that yes my mother is immature emotionally which yes stems from unresolved trauma (while writing this I think my dad has low self worth in respect of caring how others judge). What I put two in two from the book and chatgpt also rewinding my experiences. She is passive-aggressive, lacks empathy, accountability, plays victim, silent treatment, guilt trip. Yeah, loads of emotional manipulations. Huhu. And yes my mother doesn't need to be perfect and though I'm still grateful in comparison with other mothers, my pain is still valid. However, at this point of life from the book, it put into perspective does she need to be the parents of my dreams (from when I was a child) or is it something as an adult now that I can deal with my boundaries, practice and knowledge. I let go of that image, not rely on her for opinions and start filling up my own unmets and never gonna be met needs by myself as I am Alhamdulillah now I am an adult (and gratefully an adult Allah gave consciousness). But also, I know for myself I won't tolerate an emotionally immature, unaware and unhealed partner. At least be aware enough to fill the tank to more than half. Painfully, many many people in this world needs healing for biiznillah we can heal this intergenerational trauma. I don't want to do any emotional manipulation of my own (yes, I'm not perfect too) and learning to have a healthier relation (which my recent taaruf proves I am having a healthier dynamic). Aamiin. 

For this week post taaruf update, I have fully let go all the gifts he gave me to others. The reason I took a week and a half later is because I waited for him to fly out ensuring he really does not want the gifts back. I gave it to my sister, my mom, and friends at locum. Yes, I liked the gifts so parting was a little touching but I know I need to do it. His mom did WhatsApp me on friday evening which I almost replied due to the fact I'm feeling much better and move on so I didn't thought much but somehow Allah guided me with chatgpt and with realisation it might distrupt the closure, I deleted the message. Though I did read it because I was curious. Lol. Anyhow, it is what it is. I thought also ahh the experience realised I need a husband but also after my coworker said do you wanna know a guy, I'm like umm back to square one am I ready? Also, me being me the guy needs to accept me and initiate first. So I don't think that will work. 

My most viewed 698 views, and I have 5 subscribers? And the likes? Who are you peoplee. Or bots. Haha. Uhh this project.. *scratch heads.

Note for whole pharmacy wearing purple theme can cause blackout. 

A week in my life,

TGiaH

P//S: I nearly had to rewrite the post because the no internet on my laptop. Laptop makin nazak.. Huhu. With the loading, and dimming..

Sick for 2 days.

Or to be exact I've been sick on off since the last taaruf. Either the emotional abuse/sickness is presenting itself physically or I just got it from somewhere. No can sure. Either how over the few weeks I've been having fever, sore throat, flu with yellow snot. So yeah, probably I am actually sick. But more so I'm tired. I'm grateful I'm compassionate to myself for giving myself time to rest while I am also working on healing from the experience. At this moment (my thoughts, struggles, emotions changes every hour), I feel a little lonely and missing a companion. I think somehow the experience sparks my deep wounds of ah yeah, it's nice to have someone I share my life with. But ultimately I know my 24/7 is just Allah. Though a man version of me would be nice, right?

Eid was happening. The shawl was rather not safe for a big covering hijabi girl for me so probably the last time I'll wear it, so I have to find a 2mx0.8m printed shawl. Hmm. Covering aurah more means more money needs to be spent. The reality of this world.. Anyhow, I've got one pretty comment from my friend so I think at least I've got one good compliment. First day, 5 houses. One family guest to ours. Chatting with my friends, both international and local. Second raya, we've got the grace of resting then out to mak teh's house at 4 until 11. Third & fourth raya, I work from 8 to 10. Third was my family's 'open house for family' and fourth was my sister's birthday Fifth raya, Friday. Went out for a solo eat for lunch, I liked it while close to the end I was swimming with my pool of sadness. I've got myself flowers too. While, at night we had birthday celebration at Mykori (my sister's and dad's money) and mamak's (my brother's money). We had a great time. I'm also grateful my sister pointed out the this belanja on birthday is because I made that standard. Oww. My siblings are growing up.

While saturday, sunday, I'm sick. My dad went to sent my sister back to uni. Oh and I've my first 200+ on a youtube short, also a subscriber (who the hell subscribe to me).

Asking as-Syifaa to heal me,

TGiaH