Goodbyes.. The night of Eid Fitr.

Eid fitr tonight.. Goodbye salams Ramadhan.. Salams to him to. Done and dusted with the rejection yesterday. Until today I have doubts if he is a good guy or not. Definitely a red flag but I guess my kind self wants to believe he will become a better person each day. For me, something better will come. The cycle of rejection - relief - withdrawal - acceptance. I think that's it. I feel like I haven't done much this Ramadhan because mr Syaitan put me up to the test with this taaruf. Huhu. My Ramadhan. My test of this life. Now slowly trying to get to the pre-taaruf me. My routine, my thoughts, my high valueness. In Shaa Allah. 

Others: 20 rakaat al-Umm, iftar with locum at The Venue, getting food I prayed for the next day (kuey teow basah, popcorn chicken, cucur). 

Eid fitr mubarak,

TGiaH

Deal breaker

Our third and last taaruf on the night of post nuzul Qur'an at tuesday. I guess everyone was kinda okay with him. If only he didn't acted out.. But his past also is not something easy to accept. Maybe that's less of my concern as I know I'm not accepting him because of the deal breaker. It's just I'm also amazed how calmly I handled the situation. I know what I needed to do. I am emotionally mature, while him.. Ekk. He needs to work on his emotional intelligence and definitely haya'. I for the first time in my life never feel that much of disrespect from a guy and feeling so unsafe around him. 

I told him I need time, and yeah he's okay but oh boy he's response after that shows immaturity of handling situation. It's a test? It's a joke? Huh. Just it's better to own up your mistake. And his response of prioritising this still being together over my emotional, mental and spiritual safety. Red flag. Even the situation that night, I was in such a state yet his mind was thinking of something harmful? Oh gosh. I'm just imagining the possible future abuse if I continue. 

I'm in a much better state now Alhamdulillah. Just reinforcing the boundaries to my parents, yeah the reason I struggle this morning. I calmly yet firmly stick, I need this. I need my time and space. He's not a good guy so don't share anything about him. Prioritise your daughter for a while. His action was not something to be forgiven, yet I forgive him. I made doa for him (I cried). But even with forgiveness, the right thing to do is to never let him meet me again. To protect me and him, from himself. Allah make him abbetter man. And grant me a better man whose I'm at peace with him. Aamiin. 

Anyhow, I guess it's my Ramadhan test. Now I'm navigating writing my text so I have a clear, compassionate yet firm rejection. I still want to talk through the situation, for him to learn and undertand. No hard feelings, I pray ya Allah.

Yesterday, had fun volunteered at kids activity and this evening locum. Had 2 locum shifts this week. Imagine having to work until late night after meeting him the tuesday. Did not sleep a blink yet Alhamdulillah for past me decide to take half day. So after Allah bringing me safely home (the drive was sleepily dangerous), I got some sleep in. And thank you for my period. I got some rest in.  

It;s raining, time to make doa. Oh Ramadhan.

TGiaH

Social media.

I have a very short time before I got to rush for locum. Also, I need to fold my clothes. Arghh. Why weekend gone by so fast. Yesterday, big family iftar Alhamdulillah was so much fun. I don't know why but this time somehow everyone wants to share and talk to me. It's nice. Or probably I'm not playing with the kids much. Quite a few could not make it but Alhamdulillah still. 

For this week, my taaruf update my decision went up and down the scale a bit along with anxiety, but for now I'm settling with a no. I reviewed my minimum criteria, he did not pass. If he wanted he should have self awareness to change on that but no he didn't. I am not gonna risk my well being to let someone hurt me when they had all the time in the world the work on being a decent muslim and future husband. Yet, I hope I can end our last taaruf with good notes for us to being better people. In Shaa Allah, Aamiin. 

My sister is finally home, so yeahh update time. I also feel very sorry for her about mara-ptptn. Allah.. Huhu. Her medic journey certainly not a smooth sailing. Adik akak.. My prayers for you. After all the taaruf ends, my focus dua is you, our family. In Shaa Allah.

I've got my period by the time I got home on Friday evening. Haha.

I need rest,

TGiaH

I'm crying..

Allah, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm sad. I'm confused. Tears gently trickling my cheeks. I don't want this, why di I have to go thru this. I met a nice, honest man but can I really go through the challenges of him and with him? Is he sincere? Will he take care of me until jannah? He is of his own journey, but at this point of journey is this a good point to be with someone? One last taaruf, then decide. I'm feeling like a no. How Allah packages a bundle with beauty yet thorns. 

A second taaruf from 10 to 4. Haha. We really went open and deep, both serious talk on marriage. He's different from the first I met. Different vibe. Confident. Really a surprise. He's calmer than me. Would our life plans match? I don't know. Thank you to the taaruf cards, it was a good conversation. 

Topics - no sleep, assignments, relation with islam, me before you, 3 idiots, him yawning, no glasses comment, life after this, girls and boys, past experience and relationship, studies. 

Salute one thing, if you wanna know a guy just ask to see his social media. Haha. I'm surprise he's open about it. I'm just worried Allah, how my kids, my future generation. I want protection, I want kindness, I want jannah. 

First week of Ramadhan, yet again another test.

TGiaH

Ramadhan tomorrow

Saturday.

I don't feel like writing much at this very moment, but the feeling of a cross off my task is good which is what I'm feeling today. Who else knew that this girl can in the middle of night at 3am, write off an assignment (IAC)?! Almost never in my life. Haha. That definitely made today more lapang. Also, since tomorrow's Ramadhan (sunday), I decided to write today. Ahh. I hope we meet tonight dear Ramadhan. I don't know if this year gonna be the best healing like last year. Well.. We'll see. Praying for a smooth, stress-free, clear mind, heart and spirit. The goals? Same as every year. Biznillah, to accomplish this year too except I don't know if I can do the 100k istigfar thing. Well, we never know.

I don't know how I am freaking calm right now well I'm basically writing this <breaks> literally at slow mo pace <breaks>andd me and my every emotion <breaks, munching on Taif's walnut> is changing every 30 minutes like a chameleon (wuhoooo). Am I still sane right now? I am somehow still functioning despite living with 3 days of half sleep. It's a new record for this little girl who basically lives on early nights and solid 7 hours sleep each day. Aiyaa. Are you still there, little girl? Helloo. Ahh. I take breaks with each sentences, will I ever finish this post? Chaiyok! We caann do thisss. Tsk tsk. 

The story (well I should write this):

Sunday - visit at my mother's ex-naqibah (quote unquote see my condition). 

Monday - perfect peaceful day. Oh btw, we learn new basic ruqyah and because I never give myself credit, I am gonna write this. Congrats for scoring 100 on the first tasmik, which was unexpected. Still congrats. Also-me-I-know-my-next-tasmik-I-am-gonna-fail-terribly. Haha. Learn for the knowledge, S. Learn for the knowledge.

Tuesday - jeng jeng jeng. <another break my cousin's daughter came><Writing this the next day, Ramadhan tomorrow turns to Ramadhan today, Sunday> I don't have the mood to write but oh well.. Also writing this with a partial memory of everything. Got back home, as per usual salam my mother than went up stairs. After asar prayer, I got a message. Someone wants to taaruf, one year younger and a foreigner. I'm like okay my hands are chill but immediately also I feel emotions build up. This time, I know what I have to do. Sit down, breath, feel my emotions. Tears coming down. I feel scared. A solid cry then relief and this girl decide I don't want to know the details of the guy. Later laa. Obviously, with dinner I know a bit of this and that. 

Wesnesday - I decided the best decision was just get to know him. With the rough details given and my remnants of background memory of my checklist. He passed. I had no reason to say no. Also for the picture, I did not even download it. I don't want to judge or make up my mind based on a picture you know. It could be his worse or best picture. But also another side, if I look at it, it might come to me, ahh I really gonna do taaruf? With a guy? I am that brave? Yeah, so basically I ditch the whole mentality and just pseudo-convincing myself that it's like befriending strangers for the first time which I know I can. Hopefully. I did istikharah as per norm, and the most rational decision. All day I was in fight-flight mood. I was stressed hell. I don't know what to wear, after arriving home at 10, I took an hour to mix match the clothes as I am clueless and trying to fit my parents expectation baju+kain. Believe or not this girl got no clothes. 

Thursday - I got things off, but I felt like I was doing nothing with my time which is not true. Productive, meaningful. I did. But probably because I just want to get over the experience. Having to handle that much soreness, pain in my whole body. Tiring. It was a loop because then also I feel a bit better. After zohr, eat lunch, helping out the kitchen. Then, I was chased away multiple times to go 'get ready'. Haiyaa. Do I really have to do this? I don't like having to wear a certain way for a certain occasion when I just wanna be me. But also this girl wants to be respectful. I can't show up in t-shirt and jeans, right? So yeah, basically the outfit I took the hours of time to pick and iron it, gone out the shelf the moment my parents saw which I definitely told them to pick the outfit themselves, so at least they are satisfied. At 4.40pm mind you we had to go out by 5, my parents themselves, stuck in front my wardrobe don't know what to choose. See. What I did, I just grab the abaya I got when I was 17 (made it Egypt, funnily somehow), and immediately changed in 5 minutes.. Which actually kinda originally I just wanna wear this because I'm too lazy to impress someone. Asar and dash out the door.

By miracle, we got there at the promised time. Also, miracle they were late late. But seriously their fate, I can't imagine having to stuck in traffic for 3 hours! And that's half the story. Arriving there, it is sinking it like oh damn, am I gonna through taaruf with someone who is a total stranger. And the trying to sink in like this is a damn foreigner, which never cross my mind that race is the least of my concern, to the idea totally going out the window. Like what is race even. Lol. I was nervous. A little scared/concern. Can I trust this guy, even? We finished maghrib prayer, when suddenly they arrived. You know what this girl did? Literally I was near to door to the bedroom, I got it and to be honest, I don't wanna get out. I was freaking shy. Damn you, haya'. Are you even haya' in this situation. I had to get out, so yeah. Lol. Pats in the back, for getting out the room. One quick glance, I knew which one was the guy. The other one was too old and was with his wife. Lol. I basically looked all over other direction than him because how am I supposed to look at a non mahram in this setting? His face was tight, and then later I know that is his face red. Poor him, basically we are in the same torture, but his was worse with coming late and all. I am thiis close to mouthing are you okay to him, but obviously this girl never did that to a stranger. My father did his magic, Alhamdulillah he felt better (I think). In the end, I have this rough image of his face. But that's all. Handsome or not, for me it's face I can live with (and a possibility to find familiarity in it, with time) unlike my experience before this. 

Over dinner, somehow all the right words//things pop-up? Like I was speechless inside, words like helping others, same age (surprise?), slow eater but still the same pallete as of able to eat everything? Are you serious. These are like the things it's nice to have, but if they have it, it's like wow, perfect.  Then, isya' with him as the imam. Ahh. Now I know how their prayer style is. Then, what it was time I had to sit down and talk with him. When I got out and sit, he was already there. Like dude, why do you look so chill? He said salam and I was ah-um, wassalam. Haha. Aduh. Haih. He asked me a few questions and I answer, ask back but yeah we both were like not prepared with questions but there just wanna listen to the other person talk (him more than I). Lol. I definitely did not google anything before hand, because I don't want any pre-assumption, just I wanna know him for him. The game cards, was yeah my go to plan. I think he didn't understand my explaination but no we didn't follow the rules. But seriously how did we even got talking from 9ish pm to 12? Almost 3 hours. Actually I glanced over at 10.40pm, thought it was done. But he wasn't. He wants to listen more. I'm pressured which totally contradicts him saying that I look calm or I make him feel calm. I don't know, I'm half understanding conversations here. This is what happens when you take two people with english as second language,>> lots of half understanding, mispronounce words, uses of expressions and googling on the phone to show to the other (what are we without gadgets as our life saver). 

He looks comfortable and I feel like he is himself, which I'm so so grateful if that what it is. Definitely 4D this interaction. Alhamdulillah, I was myself because I am so like, damn with this kind of awkward I just wanna be myself, I don't even care if you don't like me after this. Aiyaa. Things for sure, for the conversation, I definitely 2 things he laugh, like he laugh so hard I thought he was laughing at me for a moment and not of the way I used my expressions. Malay energy-like niii wave hands like dj disking up, english is like niii disking down. Another, is him saying "I'm fat". It was 3 times over the span of 3 hours, but yeah something I'm totally in auto mode, like huh "You're nottt fat", shakes head. Something I'm seeing we might fight over this, but we'll see if there is even an after this. I considered this a successful ice breaking. Lol. On the journey back home, I'm basically following him at this point, if he wants to continue taaruf, and I don't see anything opposed to my idea, I'm okay with it. Neutral to it's finest. But hey, why nobody mention if you talk 3 hours we a stranger, you get 3 days of no sleep/half sleep?!

Amongst the talk; spiderman, fire by fire, the green mile, dirty matcha, chubby cendol, fave colour, flower, umrah, ramadhan alone, friendss, malaysia - clean, balance, first thing you think ppl would notice about you, why marriage?

Friday - I'm super glad, I survived this day with no sleep. I was not myself that day. I was loud and talkative like I was silencing my brain from the auto processing it's doing. The night, I want to sleep early, and somehow this girl decided to open up the gifts (because I last minute thought, I don't wanna procrastinate and get it over with. You know what they gave 3 bags of gifts, a fruit basket and my mother also got a gift. I was okay with opening it, but when it got to SK telekung, I frooze. Slowly, tears fall down my cheek, I put the telekung away, afraid my tears fall on it. Why the expensive gifts.. I 'm not use to it. I'm use to gifting others. My siblings with eat outs, my parents with the money and gifting travel family vacay. Why someone spends so much money on a stranger? It does feel like a bit of I'm being bought, like the ring last year. But I know, this is something I have to learn to accept, if I wanna honour a guy. Learning and learning again.  

Either this comes to up or downnn. A piece to keep for memories, a story to tell or just an experience for smiles. 

Ramadhan Mubarak,

TGiaH