Deal breaker

Our third and last taaruf on the night of post nuzul Qur'an at tuesday. I guess everyone was kinda okay with him. If only he didn't acted out.. But his past also is not something easy to accept. Maybe that's less of my concern as I know I'm not accepting him because of the deal breaker. It's just I'm also amazed how calmly I handled the situation. I know what I needed to do. I am emotionally mature, while him.. Ekk. He needs to work on his emotional intelligence and definitely haya'. I for the first time in my life never feel that much of disrespect from a guy and feeling so unsafe around him. 

I told him I need time, and yeah he's okay but oh boy he's response after that shows immaturity of handling situation. It's a test? It's a joke? Huh. Just it's better to own up your mistake. And his response of prioritising this still being together over my emotional, mental and spiritual safety. Red flag. Even the situation that night, I was in such a state yet his mind was thinking of something harmful? Oh gosh. I'm just imagining the possible future abuse if I continue. 

I'm in a much better state now Alhamdulillah. Just reinforcing the boundaries to my parents, yeah the reason I struggle this morning. I calmly yet firmly stick, I need this. I need my time and space. He's not a good guy so don't share anything about him. Prioritise your daughter for a while. His action was not something to be forgiven, yet I forgive him. I made doa for him (I cried). But even with forgiveness, the right thing to do is to never let him meet me again. To protect me and him, from himself. Allah make him abbetter man. And grant me a better man whose I'm at peace with him. Aamiin. 

Anyhow, I guess it's my Ramadhan test. Now I'm navigating writing my text so I have a clear, compassionate yet firm rejection. I still want to talk through the situation, for him to learn and undertand. No hard feelings, I pray ya Allah.

Yesterday, had fun volunteered at kids activity and this evening locum. Had 2 locum shifts this week. Imagine having to work until late night after meeting him the tuesday. Did not sleep a blink yet Alhamdulillah for past me decide to take half day. So after Allah bringing me safely home (the drive was sleepily dangerous), I got some sleep in. And thank you for my period. I got some rest in.  

It;s raining, time to make doa. Oh Ramadhan.

TGiaH