2020 Recap

I'm in midst of watching a k-drama (The King: Eternal Monarch) but to keep the ritual going let's give it a shot.

This year has been different and full of surprises and challenge. Let's go by month on what happened.

January: Holiday, business trip, worked part time, death of cousin.

February: Start of a new semester, news on covid, practical at FN.

March: Back at uni for 1 day before lock down started.

April: Extend lock down, had lots of family moments, wasted my time quite a lot too.

May: Ramadhan at home, completed a psychology cert and writing OKU essay.

June: Eid & practical at home. Attempt for vlogs & self record.

July: Industry practical's, counselling records.

August: Exams & started working the next day, visit to the hospital for driving's approal

September: Off work month, going on a trip where I knew no one and a 4 days course, received my transcript!

October: Started working again, start driving class, passed the driving's theory test (+ showing my immatureness).

November: Working with a unstable boss, emotionally hurt and drained by the teacher.

December: Passed the road test, decided to resign from work (as well as all the other staffs), saying good byes, delayed birthday celebration with lots of cake and kampung trip, passing away of my foster grandma at the last day of the year.

That is the months went by.

1. Name three words that best describe my 2020.                                                                                Eventful, challenging, workaholic.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
Is to just try your best.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Challenging myself to say no and allowing myself to spend on myself. (and post something on instagram).

4. Best decision I made this year.
Applying work at FN. It taught me a lot and I met the best manager yet!

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
I graduated! Alhamdulillah. 

6. Who helped you get through 2020.
I pushed myself a lot. I need to push more communication with Allah.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?

Trying to please someone when they don't mind actually.

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
I realize I get sudden sadness a lot. I'm very vulnerable.

9. Happiest moment of 2020.
Having my family with me during lock down.

10. Saddest moment of 2020.
I get really sad sometimes when I feel I'm not good enough. I don't think there's a saddest among all of my many cries.

Okay, it's 12 already. Happy new year!

Alhamdulillah,

TGiaH

Happy 24th

 Here's the list for this year:

1. Felt like screenshotting my phone at 12 midnight & manage to do it 1 second before it changed to 12.01 am.

2. Getting a whatsapp message from my mom about atomy at 12.00.

3. Going down stairs for my usual soy shake (after 12).

4. Falling a sleep before I know it.

5. Fajr at 6 thirty.

6. Too lazy to reply my birthday wishes.

7. Getting birthday wishes from my blind pals which is so sweet.

8. Donate RM 24.

9.. Jog/walk for 1 km,

10. Ate breakfast my mom made (nasi goreng kampung).

11. Whatsapping my boss while having breakfast then had to rush to work.

12. Change my outfit choice to an ironless one.

13. Manage to arrive on time to save the today.

14. Grateful for my skill of cholesterol test.

15. Got a  so so caring dietition that gave me a free snickers bar & free lunch which is kuey teow goreng basah from Puri.

16. Got a hijab as a farewell gift.

17. Handling a difficult customer and broke down.

18. Missing my manager (I feel like a kid underlings)..

19. Remembering the date today when writing labels and reminded of my birthday.

20. Got off work at 10 (the shop closes at 9) & forgot to snap the daily sales.

21. 3 kinds of cake for dinner with just the girlss in the familyy.

22. Got everyone t in my family to wish me (including H).

23. Being less concerned about my birthday. 

24. Sleepy while writing this.

Alhamdulillah done! Off to sleep.

The lost key.

 So I lost the store's key which I only realised last night when closing the store. I frantically call my family to find it in my room which to despair not to be found. I had to call F to come to the pharmacy. Huhu. Last few days troubles. Sorry! I felt sorry but I had no choice. I search it last night and this morning. Not found either. Then. I recite the dua in the ruqyah book for lost things after my azkar. I opened my phone and it turns out, the other staff had my keys. Alhamdulillah!

White & farewell party,

TGiaH

My 1st JPJ Test

 Alhamdulillah I passed the road test. I didn't pass the circuit test but I hope I pass it the next time around. Aamiin (really hoping for this because it might be hard for after I start my prp). Of course, I have to burn RM 350. Oh well. It's funny that I felt calm after failing. It was very chaotic and I was the first person to be tested huhu which was very unexpected. 

After that, in the course of the next few days, I do feel sad. But it's okay I said to myself. It's okay to be sad and it's gonna be okay. After all, this month so many things happen at work. Maybe after I stop working, I am able to focus and pass the test? Aamiin. I'm grateful for my positivity of looking things where I said I pass the road test and also my calmness. With every hardship, there is ease within it. There are so many eases and I have to learn to recognize and appreciate it. 

Have to go, toodles!

I'm a good driver. Kk.

TGiaH

Privilage.

 I wish I could say more but I'm really catching time here. Last night I talked to S, my batchmate who's currently doing her training. And I realise she was very privilege in ignoring all what is happening at the company because it's not quite affecting her. Anyhow, I reflected back. 

To be continued...

Sweet couple.

 I'm writing this on the 2nd of December, but this happen on the 30th Nov.

Today I attended an old couple buying meds & supplements. They were so sweet to each other. The wife added a few purchases and joke about it. The husband joke back. It was a big purchase but the way they talk was so lighthearted. (It was a credit card, their child monitors) I commented on how I love seeing how sweet they are and asked for their prayers. They said life is about learning to let go. Certainly, something I keep in mind. 

Financially wise + no water

One of my biggest target before marriage is to be well equipped with financial knowledge. It's a necessity but still many fail to do. Having some sort of financial security reassure me, I have a backup plan. Seeing how the world evolves around money. Scary huh. But true. 

 It's scary but everything in this world is Allah's. Everything. (This is me trying to assure myself.) My mom is really stress out on our financial situation. She blaming my dad for all the debts, which is true. But I don't wanna cause anymore stress. Seeing how difficult communication is makes me scared of how difficult marriage is. Anyway, I'm grateful I have a job and it does help the family out a bit. In Sha Allah, I'm paying half of the water bills.

I know I blogged about this topic, but out of the many things. This one is on my mind now.

Anyhow, I need to get going & help cooking. Thanks.

Writing on my laptop with my phone's data,

TGiaH

Plateau

I don't know if I wrote the title right. Still, it's Mid Nov and I haven't written anything. 

The past week I realised, I was extremely stress and exhausted over my driving lessons. The mental stress drained a lot from me that the one most activity I did is sleeping like a lot. Which is fine. 

I journalled my thoughts last week hence why I forgot to blog. But reflecting why do I put so much pressure and stress so much over the affairs that Allah has absolute control over. Everything that happen Allah intend it to happen. Full stop. 

Simple. Still, why I am being like this. Although the side effect is waking up for tahajjud almost every day (and not waking up makes me feel bad). But I'm trying. I guess this is one of the plateau this 2nd half of the year.

Anyway, gotta go. Eat breakfast & help cooking!

Hmm, 

TGiaH

Self-discipline.

This month's theme I guess is to relearn myself and the past. As always there got to be something that needs to happen at the second half of the year that changes how I think of the year. 

So I learn I need more self-discipline and learning to put my lenience at the right place especially when talking to the opposite gender. I can't be too lenient with myself. Have control, focus on my purpose in this world. Being clear on my objectives. Choosing to do the right thing is hard. Owning up to it is hard. Accepting my thoughts are wrong is a process. Still, I'm proud of most choices I made. For the bad ones, owning yup it's my fault and I have to remember not to make the same mistake again.

Example yesterday, choosing to stay in bed and procrastinate thinking giving myself some time might be better which was wrong. I got up, got myself moving made me better and prevent myself from having a degrading moment at night for not being responsible. Choosing to tidy my room. tidy the kitchen, cook, practicing driving, finding a counselor, painting and now writing this down. 

Alhamdulillah, I was able to do all that.

Typing from my laptop at last,

TGiaH

The things I've learnt from (this incident).

 - You need a life partner. Face it S. No matter how much you want to live and stand alone, you need someone to lean on sometimes. Physically. Not just Allah spiritually. It's a gift for a flaw that Allah has created. 

- You are a immature blob S. Think first before you act. Discipline yourself. No matter how hard. 

- It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to cry. It's makes me think clearer & lifts a burden off me. Mistakes are there for me to learn. Learn to accept it. Forgive, learn & remember. Don't forget.

- Humans are complex beings. As how much I try to understand and see from the other person perspective. I'm not him/her and the person is not I either. Therefore, effort is still a must but prayers are as essential too.

- Allah always always help me & give me some sort of ease with every hardship either the obstacle is tiny or huge. It such a blessing to recognise it and being thankful. Alhamdulillah. 

Okay, gotta go. Already late.

Feeling better,

S

I'm trying.

I'm trying but it sometimes just sucks being me. I have to face every pain, sorrow, anxiety, fear while it's just a piece of cake for them. When will I grow up? Owning up my decisions.

I'm trying and I'm proud of trying my best. I'm doing my best at it. Don't let my guard down. Stay firm. I can do this. 

Night, 

little fighter.

Birth and death

 This is a post about yesterday. It was a great day Alhamdulillah. The morning we went on a jog & breakfast. I finished my driving studies and my mum cook all the food yesterday. Hehe. 

And today happens to be my friends birthday as well as her grandpa's ending. And another distant (i mac member) ending and the person also mentioned getting a newborn niece/nephew. 

Last week was also the same. A birthday and a death day. Three times already. Scary sometimes how Allah reminds of what our lives is and should be. Destined. A beginning. An end. A purpose.

Anyway, I have to nap a bit before work. Bye!

Endings are never certain,

TGiaH

I digged my own grave.

 1st October. Great. Such a way to start the month with my silly mistakes. How I wish I could rewind time and change the past. How I could I be so dumb & innocent. Astagfirullah. When will I ever grow up? Huhu. I don't know what my life would be like without Allah with all the silly mistakes I made.

Writing this in the MRT going on a trip with dear roommate.

Hoping one day I will grow up,

TGiaH

A 1 month challenge + profile pics.

 I've tried to challenge myself to not blog this month. Well, it made me more miserable + feeling pathetic. Anddd I miss writing so much. So here I am at the very end of the month, blogging.

I want to blog so much of what I've been doing this month despite not working. Because I have to help my mum in a moment I just cut it short. I've been:

- Going to the factory

- Submitting my driving application, received and went to a teory class.

- A lunch date with my old schoolmate.

- Went on a dinner team with FN.

- Visit KL Bird Park with strangers (now friends).

-Applied for some jobs (but ended up with an offer at the same place).

- Volunteer for a kids activity.

- Joined a 4 days programme + made friends with disability which is so refreshing.

-Challenging myself to talk in front of a crowd as a motivational speaker.

- Got my transcript and start applying for my posting.

- Took photos with me wearing blazer for the first time (and me in my white coat).

Andd... Overall feeling really good for myself that I put myself out there and the chance to meet new friends that make me smile.

For the profile pic, the next day after taking the photos with the white coat, I brave myself enough to put a picture of me, full face as my whatsapp pic. Funnily, a thing others find it easy but no so to me. 

Anyway, gotta go.

Feeling better,

TGiaH

First day off + getting my driving assessment

 Today's my first day off and to say I'm not sure if my body is too tired or something. I slept while waiting for isya' yesterday until tahajud time that is and I dozed off before asr today (and miss my asr prayer. Huhu. I paid back as soon as I wake up). My body is feeling unusual tired or precisely more like berbisa which is not quite like me. Also, I have headache pressing on forehead area and a runny nose. I don't think I overwork myself that much. Okay, maybe a little in comparison to me studying and staying home with spending time at an 8 hour job. I'm a little worried it's something else but I hope not. 

So far work is fine. I did a pretty good job and confident which I'm proud. I do recognise I need to restudy a few parts which I forgotten but most of it is fine. I mainly dust the shelves this week and clean and stuff. I haven't yet updated anything at the poison books which I'll be doing tomorrow.

One thing I noticed this week is the close contacts with non-mahram. Sometimes when passing out the balance your fingertips touch and some when trying to help others with their work. Strangely but also kinda worringly I didn't react as always where I usually wipe off my hands. I did practice avoiding touching by putting the balance at the desk instead which kinda works. 

My male batchmates also came to the pharmacy, said hi and of course the normal teasing/jokes. I reacted rather friendly with a smile (if not if would've been so awakward). They did took a story and we had a picture together. These situations makes me wonder how much I changed and is this acceptable or not.

*I just wrote and it didn't saved. Huhu.*

For today's agenda, I had my medical driving assessment with my cousin who is a physician. The assessments were all good except my tense left side as usual. Next appointment is the occupational therapist.  I have a feeling everything's gonna be so smooth In Sha Allah.

I haven't had time to write on my end of degree journey. Time is so so little.

'Berbisa',

TGiaH

An end to my degree.

 1.14 am stuck in a roadblock in the middle of the night. Who would expect us to end of degree life like this.

*Two lorries came in front of us*

With S & H, in the car going back home after a graduation dinner with Selangor/KL kids. Good moments. Never thought Ill be chiling out with my batchmates as a mark of end of last day of study.

*Pass the roadblock*

We talked a bunch. I love it. Last day of degree with PT exam in the morning, Industry quiz in the afternoon and dinner outside. Late dinner. Perfect. 

I have work at 9 and I should be watching the road so bye. Later appreciation post. 

Don't really feel like an ending of a 6 years journey, 

TGiaH

Being laid back

Fact: I had to Google this word being starting to write this. Haha. 

So tomorrow's the last exam aka after the exam I'm unofficially finish my studies. Alhamdulillah. As always UIA is not UIA without surprises. From the surprise of early admission few years back to surprise final exams and now unfortunately a surprise quiz from our lecturer. She didn't meant to forgot about it but it still become a heated topic among my peers.

Me? My reaction. I was surprise but calm at the same time. With everyone fussing about (which they have every right to as this is still injustice), at least there has to be some who can react calmly (and hopefully professionally). So yeah we're having a quiz after the final exam. Not quite final then. I'm grateful that my friends fight for it especially the format but it turns out it's not as open book plus with 50 questions of all sort under an hour. #Redha

I think that the past days I'm being very very laid back especially with my revisions which is actually strange. Probably because in the back of my head, I have time but in reality it's just too much to revise I only revise just the concepts. Lol. 

Anyhow, I got a job Alhamdulillah. I'm so happy about this that I couldn't stop smiling. It's a part time at the pharmacy I had my practicals. I hope the time arrangements gonna be fine as I don't have transport of my own.

Okay, so I really really should get back to studying. Bye!

Surprises,

TGiaH

Healthcare expenses issue

Today topic's is a little unusual. The back story is when my family and I went to our usual family dinner at the Pakistani restaurant yesterday night. My dad is a friend to the waiter and we all seen him when we come and that day he was little off. He visibly look tired. My dad obviously ask about it and he said he ran out of inhaler. I'm not sure whether he has asthma or copd but with the current circumstances of foreign workers it's not really ideal. As well as due to eid, most pharmacies are closed. Hence, he had not had his inhaler for a few days. Worse case scenario, his dyspnea might get severe which will result in hospitalisation. Obviously it would be expensive as well as not an easy option for someone with visa problems. 

In short, after dinner we went to a pharmacy nearby and bought his meds (my sister search it up). I don't know someone else whose as kind hearted but knowing my father obviously he would buy the med (with my help of course, he wouldn't know the med otherwise). Luckily it wasn't very expensive at RM 12. Alhamdulillah he was very thankful and end of story.

However, later that day as I was on the phone as usual in bed before sleeping, I happened to come across a video on Facebook. It was about British people reaction on American's medical fee which is crazily expensive. Man. You basically die if you're poor. Obviously I don't know much details but there's some finance aid although mostly insurance plus topup of own money system there, learning about pharmacoeconomic in uni made me think how expensive healthcare can be. What I did not expect the cost of childbirth as well as calling an ambulance may be. 

Learning about this made me very grateful for Malaysia's free public healthcare system despite it flaws as least it most ways its free and acessible. I hope Malaysian citizens are grateful and take advantage of this too instead of pilling up 10 boxes of unused insulin just because it's free. 

A little life update, this week is my last week of the whole pharmacy study, my exam week. Haha. I haven't start studying yet which is very dangerous. So before anything, I should go now and S.T.U.D.Y. Alright.

I really need to study. Huhu.

TGiaH

My love language + registering for hajj + last presentation for degree

I just registered my online banking with Tabung Haji and register for hajj (as I'm had the minimum amount of savings). Guess what? My booking year is 2144. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I really hope to do within my 20s with my still premium health. Aamiin.

Oh btw. I did my last degree presentation yesterday. It was on clinical case I did. I was sooo happy that Dr said I did a good job. That means a lot for a moderately achieving student. Thank you Dr!


I did a love language quiz at noon and here is my results:

I can confirm it is true. I feel the best when others affirms my best traits or the even better when I did hard work. Don't know if it is love but it is the best way to lift me up. Definitely.

Okay, it's asr time. Toodles!

TGiaH

Vibrant

Typing this on 17/7/2020. I know it's a week later but here it is.

I planned on blogging tonight but it's too late for thst. So I''ll just write it here (in my journal) and transfer it tomorrow In Sha Allah (sooo not tomorrow). Today's a great day. I haven't been waking up for tahajud for like almost 3 weeks (minus 1 period week) (but I did managed to wake up 3 times this week which was a real struggle huhu) and that's the longest time period without tahajud since 2 years. Today's a great refresh and perfection. It was smooth. I wanna write about my personality which my roommate describe me. Light blue, blue and green *continue after presentation practice*

. 

Continuing the next day. Lol. Don't ask why. Traumatised.

So light blue means calm, cool, laid-back. Blue means trustworthy, intelligent, confident. Green means reliable, wise, responsible. My first reaction was i think you're talking about a different person. Really. Here's what I think.

1. Calm? Nope.
2. Cool? As in the cool people, nope.
3. Laid-back? Kinda true, I think.
4. Trustworthy? I can't say no. You can trust me girll.
5. Intelligent? I have a kid's brain. 
6. Confident? Definitely not but I exude (is that the word) acting like I am sometimes. Just to put me out there.
7. Reliable? Somewhat. I do want to be more of this.
8. Wise? In certain things, I guess. But overall no.
9. Responsible? I try to be.

This morning, I had a Sales & Marketing class and the staff has a really attractive persona which reminds me of past me. The right word I could us to describe is vibrant (or radiant, if I think now). I'm starting to get why this special energy of I used to own is attractive. It's just feels so friendly and immediately warms you up. I miss the old me. Wish she is here to cheer me up sometimes. Anyway, that's all. 

Vibrant,

TGiaH

Segan dan tak biasa.

I never thought of title-ing my blog post in Malay. But it fits the best. The following is me rewriting from my journal because the Internet was cranky a while ago so I couldn't write here. Btw, I made a specific journal book for my self. That's where all the weird stuffs goes. Jk! I just though of having it while keeping this blog as where a I have a certain define topic I wanna talk about plus where my deepest and darkest secret lies. Lol. Anyways, let's get to it.

This morning one of the guys from my class message me on the stuffs for an individual video assignment. I replied and then he wanted to borrow my stuff. I guess it's cool if I'm still at uni (although it wouldn't be possible since all the guys would be there and have the stuffs too). I agreed to him borowing but it made me 'segan' though. Even if it's a common reaction. It's just awkward having a guy coming over to my house.

Another thing I realised (actually I knew about this already) is how I treat differently according to genders. For a moment before he asked to borrow, I instantly though of offering before I backed down because I remembered he's a male. Lol. If it's a female, I have a different persona I guess where I show my true side in the virtual world but to guys? Dry as the desert. But it's what I'm comfortable to with so yeah.

Sleepy,

TGiaH

A GoodBye + Compliment

Today's Thursday. Two days has passed since I packed my stuff and said goodbye to IIUM. I managed to clean up my room within 30 minutes which is insane. I'm proud of myself for not having that many stuff Alhamdulillah. Did some photoshoots despite still not good at posing however did it anyway because I know I'm gonna regret it if I don't. This is supposed to be short post as the longer one when I graduate In Sha Allah. Btw, I have a viva tomorrow which I'm so nervous. I know it's a simple one but still.

I really like that day. I woke up early, had online class in the van, lunch date and Mama's Kitchen plus Mykori (which is so good. I'm kinda craving it now), accompanying my dad meeting old friends, spending the way back talking with my sister and dad which is heaven. We talked a lot about everything where one of the most touching moments is when my sister gave me a compliment. Actually a honest talk where she said:

"Akak sebenarnya ada aura yang buat orang senang dan selesa dengan akak. Orang tak senang dengan akak tu sebenarnya sebab <pause> kekurangan akak."

English translation: I have an aura that makes others easily comfortable with me. If they're not the actually reason is because of my physical flaw.

It kinda hit me hard not with the flaw because I don't care if that's the issue but I'm the type that always concern and want others to be comfortable with me. I kinda think I'm awkward type but yeah. I hope what my sister said is true because if it is, I'm so happy about it.

Btw, the reason why the aura was bought because we were talking about my late grandma who has this special aura where everyone listen to her. Amazingly, she never gets angry or yells or scolds someone. Wish I had a bit of that. Unlike my dad and sister who has this leaderlike aura that they can use when they want, I don't have and if I do, I don't like using it.

Aamiin, 

TGiaH

I made a Youtube video.

It's the middle of the month, beginning of the third week of remote learning, second week for clinical attachment. Alhamdulillah I finished my case reports for last week yesterday so I can focus on this week's cases. Guess what? One of the cases has an stay of 3 month. Can I cry? Huhu. Still, I wanna tick off of my to do list so that I can fully focus on this two cases which will be discuss tomorrow. Hope I can manage.

Btw, I made a Youtube account. It's kinda nerve wrecking knowing there's a public video on me eventhough I made in without seeing my face. I did the cutting process this morning, I hope I can perhaps finish edit that in between. Not forgetting my two video assignments next week. Please pray for me.

My parcels arrived last week. I got a diffuser for myself as a gift for completing the psychology course, a long postponed weighing scale and guess what a mini tripod (for my video assignments as well).

Unexpectedly I received an allowance which Alhamdulillah I'm so grateful for. Now, I have a more secure savings. Alhamdulillah.

Gonna be a very busy week,

TGiaH

Speaking English again.

I forgot to blog this yesterday. So here it is. Btw, I'm so lack of sleep and so sleepy but struggling to sleep so badly here. I tried everything. Huhu.

I'm doing a list of tasks & I noticed I do so much. Lol. I'm kinda more into Google Task than Samsung Reminder. But wish the features I like from Samsung Reminder is on Google Task though.

Probably edit a video today,

TGiaH

Kicking back the semester online + English speaking practice (voice note) BAD ENGLISH ALERT

I didn't expect to spend too much time on this (as I have to make it a video to post it here) and I still have to finish my half-eaten apple. >< I'll just share the pic and audio (in video format).

I don't know how much longer the video gonna take. But anyways, congrats!

Bye!

TGiaH

Update: I upload it again on YouTube instead because it seems cleaner & easier to play. Keeping both for comparison.

Eid 2020 with Covid-19

Eid came this year. The last day of Ramadhan I was really really sad as if I was really not gonna meet Ramadhan again next year. I don't remember if I journalled about it or not. The continuing of semester starts in just a few days. I still not ready yet for it. I'm trying to finish out my writing for the disability project. I really suck at it. Huhu. Hope I get it done soon. I still have a lot of other things on my to do list to do before study starts. And this is just checking one of it.

Eid this year surprisingly isn't that much different from other years except having the Eid prayer at home. Every thing else is as if normal. Among visit within family that is. And... I still got Eid pocket money so Alhamdulillah! And grateful everyone is safe.

Oh I just remember I was abled to khatam ends before my period started once again. Alhamdulillah.

I wrote so much the writing, I barely wanna write here.

TGiaH

Me Before You.

Rewriting what I wrote in my journal.

I'm watched Me Before You and it's lil funny that the guest speaker of the podcast I'm listening also has a spinal cord injury. This is telling me that I should be grateful that despite my disability, I am independent. Alhamdulillah. The movies tells a lot of things like life moves on, doing the best that we can despite the unexpected results and also the main one (sorry if I got this wrong) is sometimes being selfish is selfless. Putting ourselves before others. In this movie, the guy decide to die (I forgot the exact word for planned medical death) despite the girl insisted. In a way, he was selfish but in another it's not. He knew the girl deserves to explore the world much more and things can't just be put a halt because of him. Despite she knews what she wants at that time, it's not the best for the future. Like in the movie The Theory of Everything. Of course we dont know the future. But in some ways, will the girl be happy if the guy went along with want she wants knowing that he is never truly is happy. It's selfless thing giving up our future for others but also isn't selfish asking others to do as we want when we know they're not gonna truly be happy.

It's complicated but sometimes I think of that these days. Decisions can be both selfish and selfless.

Who before who?

TGiaH

Collateral Beauty.

The second movie. I wrote quite a lot. Collateral Beauty. Quite a title huh. A deep meaning to it as it seems. However to simplify is like saying every cloud has it silver lining or as AA said after the damages is done you'll see the beauty. Thanks AAs for recommending the movie!

So I'll write down what I had journal on 10th May.

Love, time death. Love is within us, time is a gift and death is inevitable. Death again. Is this a sign or just something for me to ponder about. A remainder indeed. Shed your skin, find your life. I don't quite understand what it's supposed to be? Is it to be vulnerable and naked? Out of the comfort zone? Perverant hallucination? Do people explore death before their death? Or are just everyone to scared? Why are we so scared? Thinking back, I used to think I'm ready but now I now I lack so much that things are not gonna be worth it. So how can I live my life to the fullest? How can I used my time? By serving Allah the best I can although at times it can be hard. How about the death of a loved one? Am I ready for that? I'm not ready for that either. Losing the ones I loved, I have to be ready to let go which I'm slowly trying to fully absorb the concept of everything comes and goes. Only He remains.

I think my time is up and I have to go. Btw, I would have love if the three things were actors not spirotual beings like some said. It's better that way. More real.

2 down. 1 more to go.

TGiaH

Ramadhan 20: Movie Reflections

It's now the night of 20th Ramadhan. The last ten nights. I really need to step my game now. I've ctaching on my language games, doing Ramadhan challenges daily, my Quran recitation is on track (I finished my batch one too) and not yet miss on watching the Ramadhan series Yaqeen put out on Angels which I love. I helped with my dads most days, the food orders can be handful sometimes, but it gets me moving so Alhamdulillah. Oh and did I mentioned I finished my Introduction To Psychology course? I'm proud of myself for finishing. I tried applying for the cert so let's see if I can get one. I wanted it just to proud of myself and prove myself I can do it! The downside it's my mood, which sucks at times and also I forgot all about my Quran lessons! So I'll put it on my schedule for tomorrow.

End of last month, I started writing my thoughts in my old unused school books (bc I want to throw them anyways). It funtions as a brain dump or nicer words journal, somewhere I can placed my thoughts in as well as try to used it as a tool to gain control of my mood and emotions. It s sucks really. I really miss my old self because of this. Hmm. Anyway, for the past few days I watched a few movies. Some of which I wrote a reflection in this notebook for me to later write in down here. The ones I did reflections on was PS I Love You, Collateral Beauty and Me Before You. I probably write another post for the third one but lets see.

The movie P/S I Love You. I actually read the novel when I was young but dont quite remember. What I do remember it's a movie about a passing love one where in the last letter ask her to find love again. The movie has some indecent scenes but that's what you get from an english movie I guess. Funnily, all three have the death of a person. Made me reflect a lot. I reflected that this movie that life moves on but love is still gonna be there. Everyone have their own chapters in our life. The chapter ends and they are gone. All is left is to cherish.

I'll continue next morning bc I have to sleep!

TGiaH

Ramadhan First Moments..

It's Day 7 of Ramadhan. Funnily I feel demotivated than ever. Huhu. Guilty.

I'm here to just insert a little moment of what I went thru when Ramadhan came. I was helping my dad with some online banking thing, I wanted to finish it fast before maghrib and when the azan came I just realise wow it's Ramadhan again. I get to meet Ramadhan.

I did a little Ramadhan prep mostly for my mindset, I don't know why it's crumbling today. It sucks though, not fasting makes the Ramadhan moments less special and real.

I'm fed up with my self,

TGiaH

Online counselling?

A few days ago, I was getting fed up of my negative mentality that's ingrained in my head. My progress is so damn slow and I keep coming back to this limiting belief. I'm not good, not worthy, no one ever gonna like me so and so. So I search up online counselling, browsing through thinking whether it's worth to spend the money (in other words my poor piggy bank) until I stumble across an online venting site.

And... I tried it. Taking turns between being a venter and listener. And surprisingly or not suprisingly (I didn't know what to expect. Lol.) it helped me. Lucky for me I guess the listener were really positive shifting my mindset back to what should've been. I realised a hour ago. I feel like myself again. The clam, gentle, happy, confident person I was. Don't know yet if this gonna last but I'm sure I'm strong enough to hold on to what they said and plant it in my mind. I'm a great person, I'm worthy, disability of mine is more of a challenges and normal for any couple to have, it's not something that decreases my worth, someday someone will see me as the amazing person, the values I have and uphold and the list goes on.

Before I started to blog this, I watched some Jubilee videos. Feeling inspired, I wrote some questions and answers in attempt of me trying to visualizes my future life partner. I realised I still see my future of being strong independent woman eventhough I'm starting to believe having a life partner maybe a part of my future, I never see the picture unlike how when I was a teenager I visioned myself studying higher education & working. So here are the questions & answers (very raw, undeveloped ideas mind you).

What do I value?
Honesty, vulnerability, openness, independence, love & care, respect, communication, loyalty, trust, strength, faith.

Do I have those?
<unanswered)

What do I search in partner (values)?
Trust, love, respect, support, faithfulnes, growth, joy, balance, safe, peace, intimate (in context of emotional, honest, vulnerable)

What do I have?
<unanswered>

What do I wish to have (which I don't have)?
Gentleness, clamness, stability, strength, peace.
Btw, it was S's birthday yesterday, I wish her happy birthday and know what she did the sweetest thing of screenshot-ing everyone's wish and giving a sincere thank you shout out. What she wrote for mine was: "Thank you <my name+emojis> i happy sgt dpt berkawan & bersahabat dgn <my name+emojis> suka dgn character & akhlak yg ade dlm diri you. You really have a beautiful soul inside out." It was very sweet eventhough I didn't quite get what she lik about my character. Still long way to improve but still it's the first anyone has ever said that.

Wow. This is an accomplishment. Not written long posts in a while.

TGiaH

Wasting 3 days of my life.

I had my period of 29th and I attempt to break my routine by allowing myself to waste all the time I had (originally 2 days) for 3 days. By wasting I mean staying in bed all day and attempt of playing games.

The results? It was very not me. Super non-productive and all. I felt like this is all very useless, why even I wasting my time, playing games with goals that are not gonna benefit me in real life.

This was kinda a fail actually tbh. I ended up doing my online classes the second night and even on the first day I helped out with the business. Haha. 

After the end of the days, honestly it's exciting getting back to my normal routine which before this attempt I think it was so stagnant. I realise it's not. Now I'm back trying to find time helping with the business & house, online classes, resting. Thinking back now I'm busy back.

Delayed entry, but who cares.

TGiaH

Cuti Cuti Coronavirus + What I Do/Routine

After the 1 month community attachment at home, I head back to my university for my hospital attachment. That very next day, our prime minister order for restriction movement orders. Still, we had to wait for the uni's official annoucement.

The very next day, I lazily prepared myself for the day since I know probably we don't have to go to the hospital. Which turns out right. So my roommates & I hang out in our room for a while when our batchmate came in to our pseudo-roommate (what Y called. Haha.) & she jokingly said 'mass gathering'. All of us laughed. I guess this will be a running joke for a while since the tabligh ijtima' at Sri Petaling.

I went back the very afternoon. The first to go back home. Haha. My father & other two brothers came back a day after. So all of us are at home. I know two weeks weren't enough so happen now rmo is extended for 1 month. 

Writing this, honestly a little bored staying at home. Although I pretty much just wanna laze around being unproductive. Beside usual cooking, cleaning, family jemaah prayer, zikr & quran recitation, I tried signing up for a online class & reading ebooks. I still play duolingo, shop cat food once, new recipes, listening to podcast, self-development. Perhaps I elaborate more of what I do in my next post. Still, it feels so stagnant to me. But you know, despite that, before you know it the day is over anyway. 

This is me just rambling but at least I blogged.

Meh,

TGiaH

P/S: I was cooking porridge for my mom, while writing this. And it turn to rice! No wonder my dad told this rice is so sensetive. I added more water so it should be fine.

I made a mistake.. and my parents are mad at me.. :(

Last night, I had the evening-night shift. The shop close at 9 thirty. As always I start closing sale (meaning calculating the money in the cashier. This time it took a lot of time. But I managed to finish at 9 fourty five. My time to go back home.

However, there was a lot of variance about RM 20++ which I don't know how. Luckily, it wasn't my fault. Since it was a money issue I couldn't go back just yet but help the staffs solve the riddle. Lol. But I forgot about the time. It was already 10 ten. I hadn't call my parents. I also didn't realise that the staff close the whole rail (is that the word?) down and my phone is on silent.

I got out of the pharmacy.. My mom was really mad. My dad too. I actually nearly cried. First, because I get easily scared when someone is mad. Second, because of me my parents are mad and worried. Third, because the reason they are mad is because they love me.

<Future me>I don't remember why I stop writing this blog mid way. Because I'm lazy, I'll just post it. ;)

Well..

TGiaH

Supposingly react?

A little story at Sek 9 pharmacy...

Kak S: Your mom.. She isn't mad at you?

Me: Mad? What for? *literally confuse*

Kak S: For working 7 days a week.

Cust cames in...

So..
\
The conclusion, my mom isn't mad. No reason to. Oppositely, she actually supporting my decision.

But it doesn't mean I'm not tired though. Still I shouldn't complain. :)

TGiaH

She.. was raped.

The first week is over. Now it's Sunday of the third week. Trying to blog is a fail. Even finishing my log book is a struggling. But I'm very proud of myself. I'm working 7 days a week while doing my assignments so that I think is something worth credit for. Even thinking back for some people that's common for them. And moms and dads. Their life is no rest. Hope Allah eases their matters. Aamiin. Still, until my next day off I would appreciate a whole lot. Btw, the first week was fine. The first day was the happiest and near perfect. Just catching up with my friends made me so so happy.

<Break time. U (grandchild of the boss) just come asking help to wash hand and water>
<Break time number 2. He come again asking what language the word pig is. Haha. (Should I be concern?)>

I'm writing this at my workplace. (Work at Sek 9 during the weekend, training at Sek 3 during the weekday.) Wasn't planning to but I don't think I have some other time to write this. Since it's my first time close experience to that, I really wish to write. Thus, topping all other thing I plan to write (and because I can't do my log book here).

<Break time number 3. U wants to play race car.>
<Break time number 4. Work3.>

At my practical place. A young girl came in. 23 years old. A year younger than me. The staff attended her. She brought a prescription for emergency pill. Something not very common because you don't need prescription for emergency pill. Almost whispering, she told her story. To the staff not me. But from the staff response, I actually kinda guess. The story is. She was taken advantage. By a doctor. A doctor from a different clinic that is. True or not her story, it was still a slap to the face facing the reality that this is happening to the community. It's scary. Very scary. I can't be as strong as her. All alone. Not even telling anyone who knew her yet. Not even a report. Please protect us Allah.

A story to tell,

TGiaH

First of the final.

I'm back at uni. Sleepy. Yesterday took quite a lot of energy. So perhaps that's why I'm a little tired. I just got back to prayer, so I can finally recite Yasin. I hope almarhum is doing good as well as his family. Coping well.

The ride back here was nice. I had a long chats with S & I. Something I love & miss doing. Although there's a ton ton more talking skills I need to polish.

Perhaps I continue this post after class tomorrow. But we'll see. Oh and Subhi Taha vlog on whether he's gonna cut his hair or not is so funny and uplifting! Seeing he 'berleter' is so fun to watch. XD

Unexpected.

Yesterday, my cousin D passed away. So sudden. Jumping into a pool of fishes alive, coming out then dead. It was a shock the whole family. No one expected. Happened so so fast.

I was at work at the time. I got the news during lunch time. On the way home with an early leave, my dad still sobbing. He's in shock. He's so close with all his nieces & nephews. Seeing him today, I know he's having a hard time letting us go back to uni. Reminds me a few years back when I was having a hard time parting ways with him when my uncle passed away.

Almarhum was such a nice person. All I see was people talking good things about him. That's how a nice person he is. He's such a good son, brother, friend. Allah indeed loves him so much. I wonder how would my (one day) death means?? Would I leave this world as a good person? Or the opposite. Just like now, I'm trying to live with no regrets in the later days as well as being beneficial as I can. Hope that's enough.

In the graveyard, I said to my brother, if there's any chance I want to be a syahid so I can have the chance to take my loved ones to Jannah, I want to. If only. My other two brothers cried too. My sister was at her boarding school, so she's left out.

I pray I'll have a good ending. Husnul khatimah. Aamiin.

Life is short,

TGiaH

Am I beautiful? Am I cute? aka Building Self Confidence.

For the last few years, I started to accept that I might be considered pretty too, to the society I mean. Tbh, I used to think I'm not beautiful but over the years I start to notice hey I'm not that bad. I have some good features. I have nice eyebrows, nose and smile (based on compliments I received). Not to say I'm showing off or cocky but this post is to encourage me to always be grateful for how Allah has created my looks and appreciate as it is. Alhamdulillah.

So here are a list of compliments I received:

I think you are pretty because you have a pointed nose. - My roommate (Lol. This is quite funny though because it's normal in countries other than Southeast Asia, China, Korea & Japan).

I can't stop looking at your brows. There are like drawn in (like a painting). - My cousin.

I love seeing your smile! - My CFS roommate.

Your sister is so pretty. I can't wait to see you when you grow up! - My sister's friend to my sister.

Akakkk. Do you know that U said he wants to give you choki-choki because akak is cute. - A six year old (But comon it's cuttteeee. My heart went awww at that time).

I'm thankful for the little comments for giving me a boost of self-confidence. May Allah bless. 

Anddd. My losing weight is worth ittt. My shape is much better nowww. The one thing I love is I lose my arm fat (which I didn't notice I gained) and I'm still satisfied with my figure. Anyhow, I need to still have to worry about my bottom issue but it's what Allah gives right So I still have to be grateful.

I am beautiful (hopefully both inside out),

TGiaH

2020 Goals.

A little life update. So somehow I got a short job for 2 weeks (now I'm in my semester break) which I so so grateful because I could save more money and tbh I was a little bored staying at home. Although I was productive during 1st week of my break with going to my lil siblings school, driving lessons, baking, having a friend coming over (whose getting married soon In Sha Allah), organising the kitchen. See! I'm very productive. Lol. I guess this comes when you don't have drama-movie marathon/bingeing as your hobby.

I'm writing on the table in my room (funny story it used to be the dining table for the kitchen before my mom decided to move it to my room whicccch I protested so much, never really used it because it used to have so much stuff, now cleared since I organised last summer holiday) which feels a little weird. However, woahh. I'm surprised already I typed out this much. I was planning to wrote some other stuffs but now I'm changing my mind to write this first.

Basically my 2020 resolutions, goals are the same as last with a few little tweaks. However, my main focus is financial side. I learned much from family financial situation, the mistake my father made in financial terms and me graduating soon. I need need really need to step my financial game. And Alhamdulillah, nowadays it's so easy just Google up and tons of articles are already there. Interestingly, I used to read financial books when I was in primary school probably still 9 which is young. 

Throughout my school period I my mind set, save up for uni, it's okay to starve a little now you can have a comfortable life in uni and life will sort out itself after uni. Haha. That's not the case though. I still have to save a lot which I think Alhamdulillah because of the habit I have I don't spend much (except of my once business). Still, it's a learning process and it's okay to make mistakes. So yeah.

Regarding my family debts, it's worrisome. Yeah, sometimes you don't know that someday you might lose your house (It's scarrry). Havng people pressing you constantly for money. Living in debts is something I hoped I don't have to go through. In fact sometimes, I think living here in this room for next 10 years still it's wonderful. I still have a small space to setup a mini kitchen if I want to. Lol. This room is really is spacious which Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah I'm grateful for.

Anyhow, I should stop here and start writing my next post. (Also, I need to go to sleep soon because I'll be working tomorrow.) Bye!

Please make best prayers for family & I. Thank you.

TGiaH

Listening to podcast, feeling weird.

Just a few minutes ago, I was listening to a podcast (Suefficient Answers - Mikaeel Smith from Qalam), because I don't wanna be hearing my roommates discussing their answers for PT. Haha.
The end part had a little Q&A. I was listening to it and it felt familiar? Which is weird because I can't recall being in a similar situation attending a talk in English with a private Q&A. Or was it because the jokes are so deja vu. I don't know. Maybe a missing memory but I don't think that's it either.

Anyhow, that's all. Lol.

Just some thoughts,

TGiaH

Tears..

Assalamualaikum, new year. Hope we'll be good friends okay?

I did have some ideas to blog but I ended up postponing it. Well... It's exam season. I'm doing fairly good I think. Same routine what so ever. I haven't properly plan my new year resolution but I'll try to do it in my next post.

A week ago (or a few more days before that). I watched a video on Youtube before I went to sleep (mind you, all covered in blanket and all). It was a video on meeting Allah in Jannah. How the angels will call you, the meeting and all. I. Me. Ball my eyes out. Literally. I'm really thankful that I have Allah, my constant, throughout all my life he's always there and the thought that perhaps perhaps one day I can meet with my Creator. I can't imagine how great it must be.

But I know I don't deserve it. I know it's too much to ask. I felt sad thinking about with my all faults and sins will I ever get to meet him one day. I made doa in my bed crying hoping I'll sleep. Then I thought I should get up, I have so many faults I have to get up and at least pray. My lazy side said go to sleep but my heart was telling how much a hypocrite I am for crying upon the thought of meeting my Rabb but now I'm too lazy to pray solat to ask forgiveness from Allah to forgive all my sins?

So I got up and prayed. Obviously I cried more. But at least I said to myself trying is better than nothing, right.

Thank you Allah,

TGiaH