The rezqi of now

The weekend was pretty chill, just 1 locum slot yesterday but everything else was chill. Peaceful in comparison of my roller coaster of emotions and thoughts during the week. Basically I lazied thru which I shouldn't. Anyhow I am finally done with netflix stories, it is somehow somewhat revealing of my emotions and wants. A way to figure what's deep in myself. I had a bit of fun for sure. Games.

While the week, the results for kontrak interim was out. After another scam on tuesday, the very next morning the group was check your spa. Despite reading the message at fajr, I didn't check it yet. I was ahh I don't care. So yeah, turns out I am curious so as I arrive at work, made doa for the best though I do want a peaceful umrah if possible, the results said SIMPANAN. A huge wash of relief and peace waterfalls down me. Alhamdulillah, I'm going umrah. 

It was certainly fine all throughout work until later the evening 2 closer friends of mine got it (while kswp syif). It was not jealousy rather grateful at least some of us got it, just the creep of ahh will I get the chance for a permanent stable job with decent salary too? I thought it was fine but truthfully I am scared of not having a job aka not having money. I need this. And thursday proves just my fears, another avalache of debts and worries from my dad. It's so hard seeing my parents split between their passion and responsibility. I do wish at the time for my dad's company to do truly well. It's painful to see trial and challenge after another with this. I really hate debt. And how much I loved this freedom I have with no debt to spread out to my family, certainly peaceful. Aamiin.

The pain with no tears, it's been a while.. Feeling that familiarity. Pain. Crying.

Exactly 1 week to umrah, In Shaa Allah.

TGiaH

Gaming sunday

What I am doing. Haha. Playing games the whole dayy. Yeah, I'm really bad when it comes to story games the last time I remember. It's fun being the character of a story having funn. Hehe. I am over-treating myself after checking off my work on coaching. Ahh and it's been a while since I enjoyed or played anything. Ahh. 2 weeks until umrah, I feel bad. Huhu. The struggles of being human. I planned to continue my doa list but oh well. I think I finish off buying all I need so that's Alhamdulillah and I did a bit of my doa list on wedsnesday. Also, the gsheet on thursday. Alhamdulillah.

The Friday gave me a scare on the whole interim thing. Not a big scare but I really hope it doesn't "usik" my umrah, either the dates or any else. Anyhow, we'll have to see for tomorrow. Had wedsnesday and friday off. While friday had lunch call. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for the time. Had kswp shift on tuesday which was smooth Alhamdulillah. The monday, I asked on the recording and pluck the courage to ask on transcribing. And yes, I can transcribe (which was a horror due to all the filler words!). Just hoping for a pass. In Shaa Allah, aamiin. 

So yeah, back to gaming. Huhu. Haha. 

Handling myself

Nothing much on monday except prep for live assessment. Nervousness suddenly kicks with I'm underprepared vs this is just to try, not thinking of I have to be best to do the assessment. It was really hard on me tuesday morning at work, where I can't really focus. Should I dig in to able to manage it or just fix my mindset and embrace the feels without digging in. I know some parts of it came from a constant "I need to do well/succeed" but imagining I didn't pass is okay, so I just don't know at that point. The true thing is I don't want the hassle, the cert is a nice thing to have, probably a boost in my career development. Truer, I just need squeeze the gist of what I learn and put into practice? Good? Best? Not of all that, yet again I know I want to help others (and myself), yet I am nervous. Somehow, the nerve calm down at work. Just I really needed that relax period for an hour before starting. I did good, just wanting on the results. Just prayers now, doesn't help with it being late. Huhu. 

Wednesday and Thursday post work, are my break nights. I manage to squeeze in a session at work, so that's a pat in the shoulder. Major 10.10 shopping. Thursday night surprise, I got a message from K. Ahh. It felt good having to meet her after long and initiated by her. The kind of friendship that sure has a place in the heart. I supposed to meet up with F for a session on Friday lunch but Alhamdulillah somehow it worked out. Meeting K and talking to her, hearing her voice makes me feel as the time turned back to uni days. Also realised, she has a a more understanding than mines. Kind spirit In Shaa Allah. Submitted overseas application.

Then, the night locum. New intern. I guess somehow the girls in locum have good ears but I did notice I have the urge to talky talk with them. Haha. A new coffee machine which is nice. Gave me a delayed caffeine effect at 5. A lil early but okay. Saturday to umrah course. Picked up luggage and sending in the documents. It's nice experience with my sitting neighbour and grandma at the restroom. I'm praying still for Allah to choose me and many others. Aamiin. Met my pic, ahh. So she's her. Umm. Then, back at home for I sleep for one, then off to locum in the thunder rain. 

Sunday, somehow I did sleep in long the afternoon. I wish I didn't but it is what happened. So delayed my plan for writing in my dua list. Oh Allah, please grant me the energy and barakah in my time to do it. Aamiin. A lil visit from fam in the evening. Anyhow, I wish for more time. 

Prayers, prayers.

TGiaH

Another year, another cp day

Uhh. I wish I have another day off. This weekend has been productive with some me-me time which was just about 6-10pm today. Haha. Had a good thinking+emotion session. I really thought without all the gadgets (influence) what are my thoughts? What do I want? What do I need? Hence, although I have some consciousness over social media, it's scary my default is scrolling thought it. I just have to consciously pause myself and take a moment to myself. There's no need for the dopamine injection, I have time to be present. 

A productive weekend by saturday morning a farewell to my lil sis off to uni, then rush to world cp event (funny i'd just knew menteri kkm to my dad's acquaintance and the last time they met was when I was in hosp shah alam for teeth extraction//surgery). Then to bowling, I did fairly good. Better than worse day, so I'm feeling good about it. I did had a an afternoon off on weds for a bowlig sesh and that's pretty much that practice. I enjoyed both. And lucky draw! A guy's watch. So for my bro's it is. This morning a 4 hour usrah. Haha. I guess we had a good chat, just I was a little like ahh patut put my clothes out to dry and come late. But sokay, that's settled. Also did a coaching session before umrah. At least one is out of the way. 

Had my physio+ot appointment monday afternoon. A little tired from the weekend. Tuesday, usm news came for my little sis. This week was a major roller coaster for her and impacted my fam. But Alhamdulillah, Allah plan a place for her in meds still. Weds night did a little coaching session, when thursday came the big news hit. How the world is so money-oriented. Huhu. It is what it is. Thursday night had a late celebration for L's birthday last month. Anyhow, Alhamdulillah. 

I paid off my umrah. I need to save money more, but now I have to admit not "treating" myself is hard especially I learn it's okay too. I'm still learning. Just somehow conflicted which says I love myself? Spending or saving? Probably saving now, but not depriving. 

Anyhow, signing off. Bismillah to a new week.

TGiaH