A few days ago, I was getting fed up of my negative mentality that's ingrained in my head. My progress is so damn slow and I keep coming back to this limiting belief. I'm not good, not worthy, no one ever gonna like me so and so. So I search up online counselling, browsing through thinking whether it's worth to spend the money (in other words my poor piggy bank) until I stumble across an online venting site.
And... I tried it. Taking turns between being a venter and listener. And surprisingly or not suprisingly (I didn't know what to expect. Lol.) it helped me. Lucky for me I guess the listener were really positive shifting my mindset back to what should've been. I realised a hour ago. I feel like myself again. The clam, gentle, happy, confident person I was. Don't know yet if this gonna last but I'm sure I'm strong enough to hold on to what they said and plant it in my mind. I'm a great person, I'm worthy, disability of mine is more of a challenges and normal for any couple to have, it's not something that decreases my worth, someday someone will see me as the amazing person, the values I have and uphold and the list goes on.
Before I started to blog this, I watched some Jubilee videos. Feeling inspired, I wrote some questions and answers in attempt of me trying to visualizes my future life partner. I realised I still see my future of being strong independent woman eventhough I'm starting to believe having a life partner maybe a part of my future, I never see the picture unlike how when I was a teenager I visioned myself studying higher education & working. So here are the questions & answers (very raw, undeveloped ideas mind you).
What do I value?
Honesty, vulnerability, openness, independence, love & care, respect, communication, loyalty, trust, strength, faith.
Do I have those?
<unanswered)
What do I search in partner (values)?
Trust, love, respect, support, faithfulnes, growth, joy, balance, safe, peace, intimate (in context of emotional, honest, vulnerable)
What do I have?
<unanswered>
What do I wish to have (which I don't have)?
Gentleness, clamness, stability, strength, peace.
Btw, it was S's birthday yesterday, I wish her happy birthday and know what she did the sweetest thing of screenshot-ing everyone's wish and giving a sincere thank you shout out. What she wrote for mine was: "Thank you <my name+emojis> i happy sgt dpt berkawan & bersahabat dgn <my name+emojis> suka dgn character & akhlak yg ade dlm diri you. You really have a beautiful soul inside out." It was very sweet eventhough I didn't quite get what she lik about my character. Still long way to improve but still it's the first anyone has ever said that.
Wow. This is an accomplishment. Not written long posts in a while.
TGiaH
