So the story is...
Like two days ago. I was scrolling my instagram in the explore feed and for some weird feeling (like says it's instinct but random at the same time. Lol.), I saw this one post. Why I say it's weird because I suddenly went to scroll to this person Instagram which is so not so me. The person's picture, captions, the way the person writes captivate me to read. Made me think is the person a writer (with good photography skills apparently) bc I want to have the book if it is. Turns out the person is teacher but occasionally a speaker in one of islamic institute that I love to keep updated with (but apparently have not the chance to afford yet). So I guess that is the connection where the post came up my explore page.
But one thing.
One thing that made my heart stop.
He's young but his wife has passed away (looks young btw. Idk how old is he.).
And one thing. I never saw someone who 3 years his significant other has passed away and choose to be independent, loving her soul still (and actually breathing the same air as me!). The little snippits I read on his choice on heart break, relation and moving on is so similar to me. What I thought the unclear balance. That's there. A living person is living the situation that years from now. It's me. And speaks me which (I just randomly throw here, if it's stupid just ignore):
- It's okay to grieve. No matter how long. It takes time, in your own time line. It took him three years after the death of his wife. In his reference, the first year every thing matters. Second year, he kept the most important. Third year, comes to the most most important (the wedding dress!). (Sorry if this wrong, but I have bad memory so yeah.) And that's when he knows he have made peace with the memories and moving on. Still on his own pace. Say me I'm stupid but that's rare to see. When one day that time comes, this is gonna be me. I know because I'm going through it now. I do my own loving a person who left myself. No one has the right tells me the time is too long because I know this is my moving on and this is me being strong.
- A mature person knows what loyalty is. It doesn't mean you can't move on once a significant other left but taking the time to still love that person while knowing the difference and time in loving someone else whole heartedly. And not just because it's a replacement or band aid of the past. Which people nowadays do (which I'm mad at them at them. But everyone have their own reasons). Choosing to be independent and investing on one self, becoming better for our self. Taking time to let go.
- Marrying a person it's not just about the marriage side of marriage (knowing that person can handle responsibility, good lineage etc etc). But loving for the person him/herself instead. Because I know I love that person soul. It matters less what the people see. Kindness, compassion above everything and that's what I love. How the person is striving to become a better person. The effort. And yes, of course the flaws which I wouldn't like, the mad disagreements that would send off the wall. But I know I still love that soul. And I choose a soulmate because of that. Doesn't matter if it's friendship, partnership or marriage (still applicable).
- I'm much more than what people see. At times, I'm clumsy, unthoughtful, dumb, careless, messy, lazy, forgetful, make tons and tons of mistakes. And all times, I'm physically disabled. But I genuinely care, genuinely love helping, genuinely love making others smile, I choose to wanna be kind, understanding despite what others will say, resilient, strong, independent, ambitious, calm, gentle (gentle one day, okay? Cap locks on this one). And apparently all times, capable. #peace Those who know, they know.
- One fact that hit me hard because I know I keep blaming the person for this. I badly want my old self back. The one that is happy and strong. The past self that wasn't hurt, wounded and broken. But the fact, you can't expect that you can be your old self after a heart break. You can't. That's the fact. But the broken self that I was is proof that I survived and make me the stronger person I am. In his words, fearless and unbreakable. So I should stop making hoping to become my old self one day but embrace the new me.
I know I'm a terrible writer but this is me journalling my messy thoughts (because I'm too lazy to edit as well). I probably gonna read back one day and ask what on earth I'm even saying. But everything is clearer. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, ya Allah for giving me answers.
Since I'm a terrible writers here's snippets on what he wrote;
"I see my wife beyond that, beyond her pain and illness. She is attractive with her undying spirit to live and she is beautiful with her amazing soul. I feel her raw emotions when she speaks goodness of others – of how her eyes light up with pure sincerity when she tells me tales about her life and people that matter. I feel her genuine warmth with the way she describes her life goals – she is the prettiest among any girls I’ve known of. I would marry her, for her characters, for her soul – I thought."
And instagram.
Thank you person that through you, Allah gave me clarity. It means a lot. May Allah bless you.
Peace,
The Girl in a Hood
Edit: He's probably someone famous but I don't take note much on famous people. So, sorry his fans!
