Cekodok pisang, shifting my mind to where I want (intentionally)

Either I'm too quick to judge or I am mind knows what I want, I think I am at a pretty decent place. To be aware and discipline my mind to not spiral is good. I have the control where to gear my mind and appreciate my life. I think it might be a Zulhijjah test? I don't know. But I appreciate the perks of me able to stay awake & do things I intentionally wanna do. I did a zikr+selawat date on the sejadah which was nice. Talking to Allah. Literally my bestest friend who I can flood everything too. I still haven't done my dua list for Arafah & sort my files but I managed to put extra effort into my work out & help around the house. I feel happy I cook nasi lemak (just the nasi), fried cekodok pisang and bring pak Jang on a drive. I journalled, read and did not feel guilty of just resting, which is nice. Praying jemaah with my family which I think shifts my whole aspect of time (so not to do often too).

So I guess thank you for the text? And none.

TGiaH

When it counts on you

I still can't believe it was last week that I went on a sea cruise. Something that's on my bucket list since uni days when my fam got to go but I didn't. What's even more 'amazed' is how fast life continues to move on since that trip. Does that trip was too short of an experience or not as impactful as any other trip. Though when I spontaneously decide I should post, I did come across some good photos of me with joy. What's certain is I feel grateful.

This weekend I'm back in my family home. I definitely see a clear difference on how unproductive I am here. I like own down time in my room but it does hit a sense of unease (I think it's guilt) that I'm not spending time with my family. I did very few this weekend and I really try to say I'm allowed to have lazy rest day where I do really basic stuff. It's for me to bounce back on Monday energize. 

While for work, I'm realizing I did a minor mistake of not confronting the higher up who propose my name for a 2 day workshop which is the week after eid where the workshop is redundant to the one I recently went but my unit's higher up. When I look this back it kinda feels like I went the back end but also I'm not sure how consulting/asking for permission to be away works when you're in logistics. Though I know on the other side or at that moment I have no intention of complaining just consulting because I think it's gonna affect my pending work. Navigating this kind of communication is a skill I'm tracing.

This week I went to ups and downs dealing my backlog/pending work from my 2 days holiday. I know it's not gonna be a finished job but when I have portion it out so I have targets I want to finish by the day and sensible for me to carry forward. I already have another workshop next week (I also went on 1 this week). So in every 1 day I'm away, the stress does builds and kinda wreck me. One good thing, I feel relieve when I'm doing my work because I see progress. So being at work, doing work is good. I'm also implementing a visual boundary technique of boxes and doors so I close it when I get back home, so my mind gets to rest and not spiral feeling stress about work. 

Another thing I wanna note, I was a hit with a small wave of regret because I feel I overshare my story here to my previous senior co-worker. Though I did plan to share a bit, I did slightly went over what I plan which I later realize it's because I miss having friends at work. This current workplace, I see my co-worker as co-workers but I don't have similar vibes or age group friends. I did not see it as a lack before because it's still a decent environment (upper decent). 

Tomorrow starts the best 10 days of the year (Zulhijjah). I really need to start get my head in the game. 

Young again,

TGiaH

Went on a Sea Cruise - mixed feelings, 30 hours without internet

Alhamdulillah. So I finally ticked sea cruise off my bucket list. It was partly fun & partly wrong. The very intention of the ship is for fun so yeah, all the haram-ness in it. Mostly with gambling machines. Alhamdulillah not much nudity, so I'm grateful for that aspect. Just it doesn't sit right when the vibes feels like enjoy this world & forget everything else that matters. Though I'm guilty for enjoying the theatre show. I appreciate how skill & how much effort & dedication they put into their passion. 

Also, another thing. No internet from 3 ish pm until I get to Malaysia the next day around 12 midnight. Though I love the 'away'ness from digital, I would very much like to be on my own when I am with my thoughts & emotions. So the whole while I am on the trip & I am enjoying it, I wish it was over because I just wanna be alone. I was tired. I was angry. In results, I talk about shoulds and ifs. The critique side of me came out. Though no one was hurt. I guess I am more of keeping myself to the promise while my friends are following the flow. So yeah, late. 

Other than that, my friend bought her cousin who married a Bosnian which is a wow respect to me. She was rather open she like mat salleh but wants a muslim practicing man. So Alhamdulillah her rezqi. I respect her because I'm sure she had her struggles searching the one & after marriage struggles. She seems happy with her 7 months marriage, so I'm praying Allah puts a lot barakah in it. Just for knowing the fact, reminds me that I really like getting to know the differences part of the world, the place, how they live, the food, the people. 

Writing on my phone as I don't have my laptop with me. A weekend away from my family. But I love my alone time. Still fail on the no screen part. I'm trying. Huhu. 

Sailing,

TGiaH

Down

I feel down. In my mind a 3 days off, there's a lot that I can get done. However, this is what happened.

Friday -  a full family trip day

Saturday - literally I just wanna be in my cocoon, not doing anything much (I did packed my luggage, wash my bedsheets & journaled)

Sunday - a good morning well spent, afternoon other than reading & blogging not much (dusting my bed frame gave me a good boost)

I know I wasting time but I hate it. Saturday I watched 2 not so good movies. It did not bring much meaning to my life. I hate not being able to clean more yesterday, and today I don't wanna risk it because if I really dusted my whole bedroom, there's gonna be a high potential I might get sick which has happened in the past. If I got the cleaning done on Friday, then Saturday, Sunday my body has time to rest & recover. Spendings tight with me not receiving my payback. The importance of emergency funds..

I am annoyed by the table's state. It does feel like I'm not taking proper care of myself. The opposite of what I feel when I'm in Melaka. In Melaka, I have a good structure. Except I wish a little more sleep in. 

Today, I'm reminded myself every few hours, pause make few minutes zikir. The most versatile ibadah, yet how minimal I incorporate in my days. In my slow days like this. I remind myself, take a little longer in my solah, in my ruku', sujud, reciting al-Fatiha. As this is my purpose in this world. 

To not waste time,

TGiaH