Quite a session + a healing day off.

Ants season is in. Just ants almost sparingly in my room. 

Last week has been hectic. Despite the muharram holiday. I'm grateful for taking the Monday off. I went on the bowling tournament. Always arriving there brings me a sense of excited but throughout until the end, I never fail to feel the tang of sadness. Surrounded my people that doesn't care the halal/haram, the compulsory lovingly 5 daily prayers, professionalism, negativity, and dunya-oriented. My heart always feel unsettling since the last time. I guess bowling is fun just not the environment around it.

Wedsnesday was muharram. First day of a new Hijri. I went out for a coffee meet up session with coach. Kid you not I was hella nervous. My expectation >> just let me survive this. I didn't even notice my anxiousness until coach pointed out. I noticed I was feeling nervous and scared. My fingers was shaking. Like this person gonna make my brain naked which is boom. The session was overall nice, normal coachee-coach sesh. Just after I was able to collect myself back after, this person feels a little off for me, I didn't feel safe. Coach definitely pull quite a few psychological tricks on me. So I decided to not take the coaching now. Ahh. Love the hot latte btw.

Just a few keywords from the conversation to ponder..

Aib.

Size.

Glasses. 

Explore. 

Confidence vs self-esteem.

How young.

 Coach vs teach.

Adhd, dyslexic.

Abang,adik.

No judgment.

Thank you, coach.

TGiaH

Blue ticks..

A post dedicated to blue ticks.

I poriginally planned to a post ranting how stress I am about a blue tick I just received. But then I read the text I sent. Hmm. Sokay. Maybe the question was not what the person would like to talk about.

A blue tick means the person has seen the message.

No reply means countless possibilities.

Forgot.

No intention of replying.

Busy.

Still thinking of how to reply.

The best blue tick out of many is a blue tick then a hours of pause then a reply. In a way, you know that person remembers you dear. (or thinking subsconsciously).

Had few days back to back locum so was very exhausted. A very rewarding 9pm sleep. Alhamdulillah. I went bowling. After a month. Next weekend, tournament. Gulps. Just don't wanna fail miserably. Hehe.

So yeah. In the end, I double text. Kah2. 

Anyhow a blue tick doesn't lessen a person's value okay. It's simply just life. You are sooo worth it. Strong, beautiful & kind.

Blue, my colour. Well, not so much if I'm upset.

TGiaH

Eid adha at Terengganu + loving old people

Haven't even started yet but I'm already in tears. Reminded on tok's word. 

"Jodoh ni Allah yang tentukan. Allah yang rancang. 

Jika tiada jodoh ni dunia, ada jodoh di syurga"

Simple words, yet coming out perhaps from tok touches my heart. Even yesterday, I nearly shed a tear when tok said. It felt like a answer to relief my stress, anger, resentment, my wants of how hard Allah put me through this test. Like this instance, I want to move on yet Allah sent down an accident. An accident revealing I care. For someone that perhaps doesn't know I care that much even. How is that that night I even prayed solat hajat just so she's safe & sound. Allah chose me for this test. 

I'm trying my best. I have to move on despite it's gonna take some time. He's not the best for me. At this moment. I deserve someone who wanna invest his time for me. Grateful for me. Wanna be friends with me.

This week. 4 days eid adha holiday (1 official holiday + applied leave, then weekends). Meeting the very old to the very young this week. I realise I love old people. I love holding, caressing their hands while listening to their stories though at time I don't understand part of it while sometimes their dozing off while doing it. Trying to hold a 1 month baby. That one at least I accomplished for a few minutes.

Visiting the beach. Ahhh. I really want a holiday by the beach or island this year. Aamiin. Terengganu was good. Half-ish. I think. Lots of resting. Just poor abah. I hope he gets rest too.

And my close friend F gave birth to her son this morning. Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed as a friend.

Need to go for a bit of studying,

TGiaH