2019 in a nutshell.

It's 11.26 pm 31st December 2019 right now and I'm not in the best state but let's give this a shot, okay?

1. Name three words that best describe my 2019.
Self-development, self-healing and self-love.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
Taking care of my own self is not selfish because me myself have a right as well.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Focusing on lots and lots of self development. Changing my routine to be exact. I didn't thought I would be exercising. Lol. Vlogging as well.

4. Best decision I made this year.
Letting go and setting boundaries on things that are not worth it.

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
Saying no to become one of the candidates of national student awards simply because I don't want to do this anymore.

6. Who helped you get through 2019.
Allah, myself, my family. Honestly Allah grant me so much strength that not anyone has.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?
How I am gonna help my family financial situation. But I guess it's necessary even though there's nothing much I can help. Hope it gets better. Aamiin.

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
I'm doing better this year. I cry but lesser & I don't feel depressed as much.

9. Happiest moment of 2019.
Having my family coming for a surprise visit. It was the best.

10. Saddest moment of 2019.
I have a ton of sad 'moments' I had to dealt with but I don't think there is a top most sad thing.

Wow. That was short. Guess I don't really have much to say.

I'm proud of you 2019,

TGiaH

23 Things For 23 Me.

So I turned 23 yesterday! It's weird because I kinda feel I skip a year of my 22 because I feel I'm 23 like most time of the year because my mindset is I'll graduate at 24. So yeah. I think it's gonna be a little tricky because I didn't do much. But let's give this a try, okay?

23 Things I Love On My 23rd Birthday

1. Sleeping like a lot (but I slept a bit late the night before).
2. Missing tahajud and feeling upset about it (I redeem myself today).
3. Having no birthday plans for the day.
4. [During morning recitation] Stumbling across An-Nur 24:26 about good partners in a couple, which motivates me.
5. Folding my clothes first thing in the morning!
6. Treating myself breakfast to leftovers of burger baek I saved for myself last night. Yummy!
7. Watching a lot of Youtube videos (like an hour) and falling back to sleep.
8. Having my parents as the first ones to wish me happy birthday.
9. Realising I spent my birthday for my first year & last year in IIUMK, while the other two at home.
10. Getting a call from my youngest brother wishing me happy birthday the morning and my younger sister at night (she didn't have data that's why).
11. My little brother H asked me what I want for my birthday, which is the sweetest. I replied spending time with him.
12. Getting an unexpected long wishes from my friend from Thailand & Egypt.
13. My ex-teammate I was working, wish me on FB which I realised I forgot all about him.
14. Having kak S wishing me when I know she's so busy!!
15. Feeling so proud because I actually studied today (like 4 chapters of Quality Assurance subject). What a way to celebrate my birthday.
16. Secretly wanting a piece of birthday cake, but realised it's too expensive to go out and buy one.
17. No physical gifts (like monetary) this year! Only non-physical ones.
18. [During night recitation] Looking into a verse (An-Nur 24:31), I nearly forgot I once memorised about aurah.
19. Decided treat myself to a movie night (as a birthday celebration) and realising I don't know what to watched (In the end, I watched Ella Enchanted).
20. Having 2 packs of Maggi for my movie birthday celebration.
21. Found that I reached my weight target of around 48kg (before I ate the 2 packs of noodles!).
22. Realising how much sodium is in the noodles which can cause hypernatremia and subsequently fluid retention (that's why I weighed more. Haha.)
23. Humming to an unexisting rhyme while I brush my teeth at night (it was 11ish, so that still counts in the day).

This is probably the lousiest list I did among the 3 years. Just a list of what I did yesterday, but that's certainly an experience still.

Happy 23rd birthday to me!

TGiaH

P/S: Something really made me tossing and turning (and super saddd) after 12 last night, I realised that not all people like seeing me & my family being happy. Eventhough I rarely post on social media, it only takes one post for people to inflict hate. I wished things like this never happens, but again that's life and I can only do my best.

The surprise that made me cry.

Btw, it's less than 1 hour before my 23rd birthday! Hehe. Birthday post tomorrow!

Long story short, my family surprise me by coming down to Kuantan. I literally cried, you guys. It's the best gift ever. I know my father is not financially strong now plus his health too (it's worrying). The fact the he came despite that made burst into tears. Obviously, he would try his best to spoilt me with a birthday surprise (he insisted a few time to go out and celebrate). However, things were in my favour Alhamdulillah. Get to drive to the nearest super market, grab some ice cream & back to dinner at our cafe. So Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, the cheapest option that I can offer. I'm happier this way! I'm very grateful Allah granted me my dua on this. I had such a fun time, just spending time with my family.

I made a video already about the title and I liked the results very much. Not bad for a first timer. I really badly want to post it here. But for privacy sake, I can't. Also, I did my own 2020 vision board + finish my readings! The last book I finished (I guess) for this year is about Sultan Muhammad Al-Fateh. Reading that, tbh at the end I felt really low standard (I don't know the right words, so bear with me). It's not like when I see someone nowadays, and feel ashamed when I compared myself with their knowledge, piosity, ibadah. But this is different, Sultan Muhammad Al-Fateh is way different league. Never leaving solat fardh, rawatib, tahajud. Ma Sha Allah. I also thought do I even value in the eyes of Allah. Like look at these people. The sahabah, tabi' tabi'in, the sufis. I probably at the worst of worst level still. Huu.

Still, nothing much else to say. Let's see what 23 things I can come up for tomorrow, alright?

May Allah make me a better person each day,

TGiaH

Last quiz, last class of our pharmacy journey..

It was our last quiz last night, with lots of buffering I would say. But the end results was Alhamdulillah good for me.

This morning was our very class. Funny & witty with Dr R. Boy, one day I'm gonna miss being in class.

Right now, I'm feeling really lazy and distracted. I'm suppose to study for our OSCE tomorrow. Hope make it easy. I switch my turn with Kak S because she book an early bus. Well, married person priorities hey. I hope her son get well soon. He keep getting sick like his mother.

Btw, my English turn really bad. Surprise2. Lol. And a short clip to prove it.

Most likely, will be reeditting this back tomorrow.

Back to study hey,

TGiaH

My hand surprised me.

I'm attempting to make a funny title, but second thought it sounds weird. Hrmm. Whatever.

The story:

An hour ago, when I was buying lunch as usual. Usually either your bring your own container or take the clear plastic bag (the one you need an elastic band to tie with no handles). And as usual I put the dish (egg, vegies and soup into the plastic).

I look at my left hand and I blinked for a moment.

Wait what?

My left hand is holding the plastic just fine like any normal person and it didn't feel tight neither I was loosing my grip on the plastic. No different from a normal person.

Was it always like this?

But I knew today is probably one of those days my hand is doing better than normal. Or it is also possible my hand will go back being tight any moment.

I guess I just have to be grateful I have small moments that my hand is doing fine and don't have high hopes for more. Might seem ridiculous to say, but for someone who has this struggle even the small moments counts a lot.

Btw, just a side story of yesterday. I had really long breakdown. A cried and still sobbing for an hour in the afternoon and like another 20 minutes at night. I still need to figure how to not be low but sometimes there is no reason I am low. I was thinking because it rain all day (but rain is comforting for me) and I had too much fun and laughter the night before (we had our class gathering and played all sorts of games). I hope today is better because I need to get more work done (because of my breakdown, I was less productive).

Sometimes I wish you can talk, dear blog.

TGIAH

Changing the blog's name.. Thoughts? Please?

I was thinking for a while to change the name (address) of this blog..

The reason is because I want kinda like to keep this blog public even if it's just a very small audience. (And it feels good to let things off my chest).

And.. I still want to keep it anonymous to keep myself the 'space shell' I had before, so I can write (with vulnerability, apparently.)

And... I don't like being undecisive of one day making it public, then another day private. When I can just stop being bother by this.

But.. I've been using this blog name for a while and it seems such a small reason to let go.

So..

What should I do?

#dilemma

I didn't expect someone like that exist..

It's feels so long since I wrote probably because I start talking a lot which in turn mean I've not been blogging quite some time. Yeah. If you are wondering, I use this platform to reduce my talking in real life because I know not everyone has the time to hear me talk and apparently I talk a lot (sorry!). Not to say, the most random thing that cross my mind and not common topics most time. Well, that's a long intro.

So the story is...

Like two days ago. I was scrolling my instagram in the explore feed and for some weird feeling (like says it's instinct but random at the same time. Lol.), I saw this one post. Why I say it's weird because I suddenly went to scroll to this person Instagram which is so not so me. The person's picture, captions, the way the person writes captivate me to read. Made me think is the person a writer (with good photography skills apparently) bc I want to have the book if it is. Turns out the person is teacher but occasionally a speaker in one of islamic institute that I love to keep updated with (but apparently have not the chance to afford yet). So I guess that is the connection where the post came up my explore page.

But one thing.

One thing that made my heart stop.

He's young but his wife has passed away (looks young btw. Idk how old is he.).

And one thing. I never saw someone who 3 years his significant other has passed away and choose to be independent, loving her soul still (and actually breathing the same air as me!). The little snippits I read on his choice on heart break, relation and moving on is so similar to me. What I thought the unclear balance. That's there. A living person is living the situation that years from now. It's me. And speaks me which (I just randomly throw here, if it's stupid just ignore):

• It's okay to grieve. No matter how long. It takes time, in your own time line. It took him three years after the death of his wife. In his reference, the first year every thing matters. Second year, he kept the most important. Third year, comes to the most most important (the wedding dress!). (Sorry if this wrong, but I have bad memory so yeah.) And that's when he knows he have made peace with the memories and moving on. Still on his own pace. Say me I'm stupid but that's rare to see. When one day that time comes, this is gonna be me. I know because I'm going through it now. I do my own loving a person who left myself. No one has the right tells me the time is too long because I know this is my moving on and this is me being strong.
• A mature person knows what loyalty is. It doesn't mean you can't move on once a significant other left but taking the time to still love that person while knowing the difference and time in loving someone else whole heartedly. And not just because it's a replacement or band aid of the past. Which people nowadays do (which I'm mad at them at them. But everyone have their own reasons). Choosing to be independent and investing on one self, becoming better for our self. Taking time to let go. 
• Marrying a person it's not just about the marriage side of marriage (knowing that person can handle responsibility, good lineage etc etc). But loving for the person him/herself instead. Because I know I love that person soul. It matters less what the people see. Kindness, compassion above everything and that's what I love. How the person is striving to become a better person. The effort. And yes, of course the flaws which I wouldn't like, the mad disagreements that would send off the wall. But I know I still love that soul. And I choose a soulmate because of that. Doesn't matter if it's friendship, partnership or marriage (still applicable).
• I'm much more than what people see. At times, I'm clumsy, unthoughtful, dumb, careless, messy, lazy, forgetful, make tons and tons of mistakes. And all times, I'm physically disabled. But I genuinely care, genuinely love helping, genuinely love making others smile, I choose to wanna be kind, understanding despite what others will say, resilient, strong, independent, ambitious, calm, gentle (gentle one day, okay? Cap locks on this one). And apparently all times, capable. #peace Those who know, they know.
• One fact that hit me hard because I know I keep blaming the person for this. I badly want my old self back. The one that is happy and strong. The past self that wasn't hurt, wounded and broken. But the fact, you can't expect that you can be your old self after a heart break. You can't. That's the fact. But the broken self that I was is proof that I survived and make me the stronger person I am. In his words, fearless and unbreakable. So I should stop making hoping to become my old self one day but embrace the new me.

I know I'm a terrible writer but this is me journalling my messy thoughts (because I'm too lazy to edit as well). I probably gonna read back one day and ask what on earth I'm even saying. But everything is clearer. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, ya Allah for giving me answers.

Since I'm a terrible writers here's snippets on what he wrote;

"I see my wife beyond that, beyond her pain and illness. She is attractive with her undying spirit to live and she is beautiful with her amazing soul. I feel her raw emotions when she speaks goodness of others – of how her eyes light up with pure sincerity when she tells me tales about her life and people that matter. I feel her genuine warmth with the way she describes her life goals – she is the prettiest among any girls I’ve known of. I would marry her, for her characters, for her soul – I thought." 

http://kamal-effendi.blogspot.com/

And instagram.

Thank you person that through you, Allah gave me clarity. It means a lot. May Allah bless you.

Peace,

The Girl in a Hood

Edit: He's probably someone famous but I don't take note much on famous people. So, sorry his fans!