An ipoh wedding + dealing with past trauma.

As a child, I was always the one left out. Most of the time. Seeking a way that pleases others always been my way. Growing up, I learn to no longer do that as much. Instead, I appreciate myself. I was triggered with a past faint memory that the people around me appreciated it more that I was not there. That is how I felt yesterday, after my roommie's walimah. Seeing her close friends, my mind thought why did I come to her nikah when she didn't properly invite me (to my defense she was welcomed to the idea, and I enjoyed the nikah & the time I spend there much. Alhamdulillah.) But yeah, I thought maybe she didn't want me there. I don't know. If it was me, I certainly am happy but of course it's not something I will openly invite. Fuhh. I really hope she was happy me being there.

A short ipoh trip that morning with my fam who all of us haven't taken a bath. Haha. But somehow Allah place the plan of how I 'teringin' which is just Alhamdulillah. And all the fate of making the way easy for us (like the non existing queue before us then suddenly few minutes later the queue starts then the parking spots. Just the little things we deem seem like wah Ma Shaa Allah. My pictures this time thoughhh. Huwaa. My aesthetics. Whyyy. (Telling myself I really should be please with the pics). Alhamdulillah.

Drown in sweats,

TGiaH

Feeling better + when I die.. Falling back to routine.

The thought of death. In a good manner. A syahid. A jihad. A battle I must fight. To victory. An everlasting Jannah and my Lord. 1 week has passed. Had a slight contemplation & no I don't want to moment when the reconcilation us are just distant friends moments. Guess I do kinda hate him. Well, to be fair I hate myself at certain parts but I'm proud that I tried my best. And very relieve with how Allah plan things to end. Just wished had a few more conversation I wished I had. But nvm. The end. Full stop.

I do keep think a gift for his mother. A sweetheart. At least what Allah has shown. May Allah bless her & her family always. I deserve someone much better & ready. And I have to be that person. I'm still thinking here and there but the sense and clear mind from thoughts and focus shift back to me, life & Allah. Is just well better.

Drowning in sweats,

TGiaH

Ended!

The taaruf finally ended. Yuhuuuuu. Haha. I felt so relieve when it did. And beautifully with Allah's plan at that. 2 months exact. My on a day off, tuesday his mom text first which was majorr alert surprise then yeah everything else comes to piece. I didn't even to put much effort. Fuhh. Stress season is over and I'm back with being me with a lil aftermath state of mind and emotion but I'll get through this. I will. Biiznillah. To a better me, to a better someone, to a better future.

Felt super on top on weds, which was really nice. Kak K & his mom, really sooth my confidence. Thank you for liking dear me.

Renewed my roadtax, bowled. Kinda good score at first. Today however is a lil particular rough day a bit. Waking up to a lil anxiety at heart then sadness. Hmm. Then awkward afternoon. A lil unsettling feeling but I got this.

Current jam: Arwian Dwi - Satu Shaf di Belakangku. Sweet as honeyyy.

Reflecting Idk myself if I'm ready. 80% is me being my best version of myself, healing, making way through. 20% is finding him.

Saturday night,

TGiaH

A panicky gift + exhausted.

This week been a roller coaster (specifically this weekend). Huhu. Haha. Anyhow, I feel my heart soften as a b-side of still proceeding with this taaruf-not-so-taaruf thingy. Hmm. Feeling like ahh stress why do I hae to put all the effort into someone who is not interested in me? Ahh geez. Benci2. Penatt. Nak nangis. Tadi maghrib auto angkat takbir terus nangis cam bdk kecik dpn Allah. Allah. Ana kalah. This battle? So tiring. Why oh why someone like him? I really like his family but him? Idk ya Allah. Ahh. I feel the tears coming. To put my ego aside eh? Huhu. I don't even know if he can accept me. Another stab in the heart. I prayed if he is the one to Allah to soften his heart, to have the criteria I need in a husband & father to our children and for me to be the best spouse, mother & daughter in law. If not, let my one and true jodoh to ease his affairs and everything (the 2 rows I just stated). 

His uncaring nature. Hmm. Another side of my concern. Will he be able to have empathy to his wife? Lesser of my concern, his ability as a leader. I still need to get to know him. While.. Waiting for someone else to come. Think this of polishing my skills. Eceh. Sampai nangis2 kau. Huhu.

May. Monday 1st May - holiday & Thursday wesak day. Got a bit of rest in. First time oncall ccm. Nervous a bit but not too much. Had a lil Weds scare to the clinic with the power cut. Guess have to integrate solat hajat everyday this month. Today work kinda felt like wanting to work full 8 hours. But I need to rest.

Thursday open house at surprisingly his housing area. Ahaha. Thw whole story was basically so funny. Didn't expect his house to be in the same area as the open house just a couple rows away. Then, when searching for the house I basically park at his house without knowing it ws his fam house, went all the way to the last house only to find out we were at the right lane. Uturn back, lahai it was the house I just parked. Rushed & panicked, asked H to put the gift in the letter box to almost him to open the door to almost scratch his sister's car. Alhamdulillah that didn't happened. Anyhow, that's that. Didn't contact him since that day. 

So where are we heading?

TGiaH