The rezqi of now

The weekend was pretty chill, just 1 locum slot yesterday but everything else was chill. Peaceful in comparison of my roller coaster of emotions and thoughts during the week. Basically I lazied thru which I shouldn't. Anyhow I am finally done with netflix stories, it is somehow somewhat revealing of my emotions and wants. A way to figure what's deep in myself. I had a bit of fun for sure. Games.

While the week, the results for kontrak interim was out. After another scam on tuesday, the very next morning the group was check your spa. Despite reading the message at fajr, I didn't check it yet. I was ahh I don't care. So yeah, turns out I am curious so as I arrive at work, made doa for the best though I do want a peaceful umrah if possible, the results said SIMPANAN. A huge wash of relief and peace waterfalls down me. Alhamdulillah, I'm going umrah. 

It was certainly fine all throughout work until later the evening 2 closer friends of mine got it (while kswp syif). It was not jealousy rather grateful at least some of us got it, just the creep of ahh will I get the chance for a permanent stable job with decent salary too? I thought it was fine but truthfully I am scared of not having a job aka not having money. I need this. And thursday proves just my fears, another avalache of debts and worries from my dad. It's so hard seeing my parents split between their passion and responsibility. I do wish at the time for my dad's company to do truly well. It's painful to see trial and challenge after another with this. I really hate debt. And how much I loved this freedom I have with no debt to spread out to my family, certainly peaceful. Aamiin.

The pain with no tears, it's been a while.. Feeling that familiarity. Pain. Crying.

Exactly 1 week to umrah, In Shaa Allah.

TGiaH