Drama marathon + servicing my car

I did a drama marathon on Teach You a Lesson (it was a bit meh in the end). So I kinda wasted 10 hours of my weekend time. That's the problem with me at my parent's house. I dunno how to rest but also have a good productive day here unlike my weekend at my own house. I organised my life. Here, I'm just lazy. I miss my parents but I don't know how to spend my time with them without them getting worried (by my clingyness of wanting hugs) or without me getting agitated. Example at lunch I felt a bit agitated that my dad is not supporting that career in a hospital of course comes with working shifts & I'm not just settled down, I will be having tagging at 2 different departments for me to actually be able to do my shifts. 

One thing that made my day a bit is reading my old colleagues notes where the word reliable is written. That words bring me a smile. I miss having a group of same age work friend, something I realised it's not here. All around I'm working with people 10-20 years older than me, the respect I have for them but also the mismatch in relatable things we have. It's just different. I had my car serviced yesterday, spent only ~RM140, Alhamdulillah. Drove all the way from Melaka at 8.30, arrived at 9.58am. Half an hour before my appointment. The battery's good so I hope it last until the next service or until next next service. And next week, another appointment.

I slept quite a lot today too, I don't what's wrong with me. And I'm always nervous for Monday's drive.

Currently azan maghrib,

TGiaH

A weekend on my own

Writing this on my phone. Sunday morning. I was planning for a morning walk then as I change clothes. The rain slaps. I pray I get a nice walk with beautiful weather & air in an hour. Aamiin. So I switch to hanging out + breakfast on the balcony. 

I had trouble sleeping last night. The mistake I made is upsetting. I feel worst. It's like I'm trying to do my job as well as possible. Then something slaps. I just wanna be competent at my job. Seen as competent. I don't know how to comfort myself. 

The rest of yesterday was good though. Having time to fully spend time for myself. I work out, enjoyed myself cooking. I made caramelised onion. I prep chicken. I did my room & took out the trash. It made me feel good. Except the fact I cried because I miss my family (particularly I want hugs like old times) seeing my mom post pictures of my dad with breakfast. I have to fight the thoughts of not coming home out of regret. Allah protect them please. 

It is a week,

TGiaH

4 days off? Too shortt.

It's fun while it last. Yeah, I did rest in a lot but also every day is a day out with weddings & today I guess the correct term is a play date with F's child. Haha. Other than the out events, I did half-dust my room, quick sort my docs, and since Sundays binge watch on The Good Doctor. I barely work out which is a bummer so I am gonna make it up after this. Even this blog I'm putting it off until the last minute. I just pick up the clothes that I hang to dry so that I need to fold. I'm half-hungry but I think I can held up until dinner. Hot bird is nice. Would buy again but not that quick. Ilao ilao? Didn't get it. Turns out these 30 years old ladies are more interested in plain cold mineral water. Haha. 

These past few off days, I'm thinking of marriage. Like at this point I don't know why I am not married excepts it's Allah's wills, do I actually wanna be married, or I actually don't, asking Allah for guidance is correct right, I should stick with what I wanna hold on to (my values). I'm implementing the advice from the book that there can be two truth. I can both want & don't want, it's black & it's also white. There's no just one. Both are valid in a sense & time. 

60 sen mineral water,

TGiaH

Cekodok pisang, shifting my mind to where I want (intentionally)

Either I'm too quick to judge or I am mind knows what I want, I think I am at a pretty decent place. To be aware and discipline my mind to not spiral is good. I have the control where to gear my mind and appreciate my life. I think it might be a Zulhijjah test? I don't know. But I appreciate the perks of me able to stay awake & do things I intentionally wanna do. I did a zikr+selawat date on the sejadah which was nice. Talking to Allah. Literally my bestest friend who I can flood everything too. I still haven't done my dua list for Arafah & sort my files but I managed to put extra effort into my work out & help around the house. I feel happy I cook nasi lemak (just the nasi), fried cekodok pisang and bring pak Jang on a drive. I journalled, read and did not feel guilty of just resting, which is nice. Praying jemaah with my family which I think shifts my whole aspect of time (so not to do often too).

So I guess thank you for the text? And none.

TGiaH

When it counts on you

I still can't believe it was last week that I went on a sea cruise. Something that's on my bucket list since uni days when my fam got to go but I didn't. What's even more 'amazed' is how fast life continues to move on since that trip. Does that trip was too short of an experience or not as impactful as any other trip. Though when I spontaneously decide I should post, I did come across some good photos of me with joy. What's certain is I feel grateful.

This weekend I'm back in my family home. I definitely see a clear difference on how unproductive I am here. I like own down time in my room but it does hit a sense of unease (I think it's guilt) that I'm not spending time with my family. I did very few this weekend and I really try to say I'm allowed to have lazy rest day where I do really basic stuff. It's for me to bounce back on Monday energize. 

While for work, I'm realizing I did a minor mistake of not confronting the higher up who propose my name for a 2 day workshop which is the week after eid where the workshop is redundant to the one I recently went but my unit's higher up. When I look this back it kinda feels like I went the back end but also I'm not sure how consulting/asking for permission to be away works when you're in logistics. Though I know on the other side or at that moment I have no intention of complaining just consulting because I think it's gonna affect my pending work. Navigating this kind of communication is a skill I'm tracing.

This week I went to ups and downs dealing my backlog/pending work from my 2 days holiday. I know it's not gonna be a finished job but when I have portion it out so I have targets I want to finish by the day and sensible for me to carry forward. I already have another workshop next week (I also went on 1 this week). So in every 1 day I'm away, the stress does builds and kinda wreck me. One good thing, I feel relieve when I'm doing my work because I see progress. So being at work, doing work is good. I'm also implementing a visual boundary technique of boxes and doors so I close it when I get back home, so my mind gets to rest and not spiral feeling stress about work. 

Another thing I wanna note, I was a hit with a small wave of regret because I feel I overshare my story here to my previous senior co-worker. Though I did plan to share a bit, I did slightly went over what I plan which I later realize it's because I miss having friends at work. This current workplace, I see my co-worker as co-workers but I don't have similar vibes or age group friends. I did not see it as a lack before because it's still a decent environment (upper decent). 

Tomorrow starts the best 10 days of the year (Zulhijjah). I really need to start get my head in the game. 

Young again,

TGiaH

Went on a Sea Cruise - mixed feelings, 30 hours without internet

Alhamdulillah. So I finally ticked sea cruise off my bucket list. It was partly fun & partly wrong. The very intention of the ship is for fun so yeah, all the haram-ness in it. Mostly with gambling machines. Alhamdulillah not much nudity, so I'm grateful for that aspect. Just it doesn't sit right when the vibes feels like enjoy this world & forget everything else that matters. Though I'm guilty for enjoying the theatre show. I appreciate how skill & how much effort & dedication they put into their passion. 

Also, another thing. No internet from 3 ish pm until I get to Malaysia the next day around 12 midnight. Though I love the 'away'ness from digital, I would very much like to be on my own when I am with my thoughts & emotions. So the whole while I am on the trip & I am enjoying it, I wish it was over because I just wanna be alone. I was tired. I was angry. In results, I talk about shoulds and ifs. The critique side of me came out. Though no one was hurt. I guess I am more of keeping myself to the promise while my friends are following the flow. So yeah, late. 

Other than that, my friend bought her cousin who married a Bosnian which is a wow respect to me. She was rather open she like mat salleh but wants a muslim practicing man. So Alhamdulillah her rezqi. I respect her because I'm sure she had her struggles searching the one & after marriage struggles. She seems happy with her 7 months marriage, so I'm praying Allah puts a lot barakah in it. Just for knowing the fact, reminds me that I really like getting to know the differences part of the world, the place, how they live, the food, the people. 

Writing on my phone as I don't have my laptop with me. A weekend away from my family. But I love my alone time. Still fail on the no screen part. I'm trying. Huhu. 

Sailing,

TGiaH

Down

I feel down. In my mind a 3 days off, there's a lot that I can get done. However, this is what happened.

Friday -  a full family trip day

Saturday - literally I just wanna be in my cocoon, not doing anything much (I did packed my luggage, wash my bedsheets & journaled)

Sunday - a good morning well spent, afternoon other than reading & blogging not much (dusting my bed frame gave me a good boost)

I know I wasting time but I hate it. Saturday I watched 2 not so good movies. It did not bring much meaning to my life. I hate not being able to clean more yesterday, and today I don't wanna risk it because if I really dusted my whole bedroom, there's gonna be a high potential I might get sick which has happened in the past. If I got the cleaning done on Friday, then Saturday, Sunday my body has time to rest & recover. Spendings tight with me not receiving my payback. The importance of emergency funds..

I am annoyed by the table's state. It does feel like I'm not taking proper care of myself. The opposite of what I feel when I'm in Melaka. In Melaka, I have a good structure. Except I wish a little more sleep in. 

Today, I'm reminded myself every few hours, pause make few minutes zikir. The most versatile ibadah, yet how minimal I incorporate in my days. In my slow days like this. I remind myself, take a little longer in my solah, in my ruku', sujud, reciting al-Fatiha. As this is my purpose in this world. 

To not waste time,

TGiaH