Cekodok pisang, shifting my mind to where I want (intentionally)

Either I'm too quick to judge or I am mind knows what I want, I think I am at a pretty decent place. To be aware and discipline my mind to not spiral is good. I have the control where to gear my mind and appreciate my life. I think it might be a Zulhijjah test? I don't know. But I appreciate the perks of me able to stay awake & do things I intentionally wanna do. I did a zikr+selawat date on the sejadah which was nice. Talking to Allah. Literally my bestest friend who I can flood everything too. I still haven't done my dua list for Arafah & sort my files but I managed to put extra effort into my work out & help around the house. I feel happy I cook nasi lemak (just the nasi), fried cekodok pisang and bring pak Jang on a drive. I journalled, read and did not feel guilty of just resting, which is nice. Praying jemaah with my family which I think shifts my whole aspect of time (so not to do often too).

So I guess thank you for the text? And none.

TGiaH

When it counts on you

I still can't believe it was last week that I went on a sea cruise. Something that's on my bucket list since uni days when my fam got to go but I didn't. What's even more 'amazed' is how fast life continues to move on since that trip. Does that trip was too short of an experience or not as impactful as any other trip. Though when I spontaneously decide I should post, I did come across some good photos of me with joy. What's certain is I feel grateful.

This weekend I'm back in my family home. I definitely see a clear difference on how unproductive I am here. I like own down time in my room but it does hit a sense of unease (I think it's guilt) that I'm not spending time with my family. I did very few this weekend and I really try to say I'm allowed to have lazy rest day where I do really basic stuff. It's for me to bounce back on Monday energize. 

While for work, I'm realizing I did a minor mistake of not confronting the higher up who propose my name for a 2 day workshop which is the week after eid where the workshop is redundant to the one I recently went but my unit's higher up. When I look this back it kinda feels like I went the back end but also I'm not sure how consulting/asking for permission to be away works when you're in logistics. Though I know on the other side or at that moment I have no intention of complaining just consulting because I think it's gonna affect my pending work. Navigating this kind of communication is a skill I'm tracing.

This week I went to ups and downs dealing my backlog/pending work from my 2 days holiday. I know it's not gonna be a finished job but when I have portion it out so I have targets I want to finish by the day and sensible for me to carry forward. I already have another workshop next week (I also went on 1 this week). So in every 1 day I'm away, the stress does builds and kinda wreck me. One good thing, I feel relieve when I'm doing my work because I see progress. So being at work, doing work is good. I'm also implementing a visual boundary technique of boxes and doors so I close it when I get back home, so my mind gets to rest and not spiral feeling stress about work. 

Another thing I wanna note, I was a hit with a small wave of regret because I feel I overshare my story here to my previous senior co-worker. Though I did plan to share a bit, I did slightly went over what I plan which I later realize it's because I miss having friends at work. This current workplace, I see my co-worker as co-workers but I don't have similar vibes or age group friends. I did not see it as a lack before because it's still a decent environment (upper decent). 

Tomorrow starts the best 10 days of the year (Zulhijjah). I really need to start get my head in the game. 

Young again,

TGiaH

Went on a Sea Cruise - mixed feelings, 30 hours without internet

Alhamdulillah. So I finally ticked sea cruise off my bucket list. It was partly fun & partly wrong. The very intention of the ship is for fun so yeah, all the haram-ness in it. Mostly with gambling machines. Alhamdulillah not much nudity, so I'm grateful for that aspect. Just it doesn't sit right when the vibes feels like enjoy this world & forget everything else that matters. Though I'm guilty for enjoying the theatre show. I appreciate how skill & how much effort & dedication they put into their passion. 

Also, another thing. No internet from 3 ish pm until I get to Malaysia the next day around 12 midnight. Though I love the 'away'ness from digital, I would very much like to be on my own when I am with my thoughts & emotions. So the whole while I am on the trip & I am enjoying it, I wish it was over because I just wanna be alone. I was tired. I was angry. In results, I talk about shoulds and ifs. The critique side of me came out. Though no one was hurt. I guess I am more of keeping myself to the promise while my friends are following the flow. So yeah, late. 

Other than that, my friend bought her cousin who married a Bosnian which is a wow respect to me. She was rather open she like mat salleh but wants a muslim practicing man. So Alhamdulillah her rezqi. I respect her because I'm sure she had her struggles searching the one & after marriage struggles. She seems happy with her 7 months marriage, so I'm praying Allah puts a lot barakah in it. Just for knowing the fact, reminds me that I really like getting to know the differences part of the world, the place, how they live, the food, the people. 

Writing on my phone as I don't have my laptop with me. A weekend away from my family. But I love my alone time. Still fail on the no screen part. I'm trying. Huhu. 

Sailing,

TGiaH

Down

I feel down. In my mind a 3 days off, there's a lot that I can get done. However, this is what happened.

Friday -  a full family trip day

Saturday - literally I just wanna be in my cocoon, not doing anything much (I did packed my luggage, wash my bedsheets & journaled)

Sunday - a good morning well spent, afternoon other than reading & blogging not much (dusting my bed frame gave me a good boost)

I know I wasting time but I hate it. Saturday I watched 2 not so good movies. It did not bring much meaning to my life. I hate not being able to clean more yesterday, and today I don't wanna risk it because if I really dusted my whole bedroom, there's gonna be a high potential I might get sick which has happened in the past. If I got the cleaning done on Friday, then Saturday, Sunday my body has time to rest & recover. Spendings tight with me not receiving my payback. The importance of emergency funds..

I am annoyed by the table's state. It does feel like I'm not taking proper care of myself. The opposite of what I feel when I'm in Melaka. In Melaka, I have a good structure. Except I wish a little more sleep in. 

Today, I'm reminded myself every few hours, pause make few minutes zikir. The most versatile ibadah, yet how minimal I incorporate in my days. In my slow days like this. I remind myself, take a little longer in my solah, in my ruku', sujud, reciting al-Fatiha. As this is my purpose in this world. 

To not waste time,

TGiaH

A hot summer

This weekend is definitely hot. I showered 4 times yesterday. Haha. While today, already a second shower at 2.  A semi-relaxed weekend, getting some things done but also resting (though my bed is like a literal hot pad). I just watched Ondo (Youtube) midway. I am slightly rekindled of how relaxing watching her videos can be.

This week I'm having a better pace at work, while adjusting to cycles of high and low work loads. Also this week, I even more late on Monday drive at 6.30. I need to be out as soon as 6 eventhough I made it in time at 7.40 ish. While the drive home on Friday was the worse this time at 2 hours (but I had a stop for 15-20 minutes so I guess it's okay). It's just more traffic. 

Trying to help my mom with her MyTax must be the big to do of this week. I'm gonna check her out after this. Also my bio teacher whatsapp me so that's something. I'm reading the Art of Being Alone, while I'm the first part is like the author seems like avoidant much, I'm at the content part where she brings context of sitting in our own head. 

Excited for a 4 work day next week,

TGiaH

Rest day or lazy day

You know what I did? I procrastinate writing this when by the time I open the tab, I proceeded to opening my phone & edited my CV required to submit on Monday. For 30 minutes. Haha. At least I got one thing done. And how I discovered how clueless I am to write my achievement & experiences part. While work has been stagnant, what can I brag as achievement? 

Today has been a lazy day. I would definitely call it that. Because I feel guilty of not doing anything and by anything is house chores. I just swept my room floor. Very minor. (And I cut my bad hair out. That's one thing too.) I put kdrama (Under The Queen's Umbrella) in the list to get me some rest. But in truth I am clueless of resting. I should do without digital stimulation. But I do also want to treat to some binge watching something. Yet, that's not good. What does well rested mean when my body is all still sore. Only I reminded myself I should use my rest day to slow down in my solat. Intentional. My word of the year. I can take my time in every recitation, every position. Pray as early as I can. That's the very least I can do in my existence. 

This week work is the first without the previous officer. So I am on my own. I think I navigate quite safely but also a bit of a few bumps. I contemplate of questioning but also I am such a people pleaser in my job. I am navigating learning how to properly do my job and position myself as I go. Although the people pleasing causes me stress and a bit of emotions to well up, I am subtle-ly appreciating the discomfort. 

Although the weekend hitting home, causes waterfall to stream down my eyes yesterday. Oh my poor dad, his business, me and I feel so sorry for my mom too. I pray Allah saves us, our Protecter.

I guess to rest. Rest is recharge, okay?

TGiaH

Week 2 at new work place

I'm sooo slow which means I need to catch up a lot on work which also means I'm frustrated. That's how I am in week 2. Haha. 

Also to note here I'm realising another point of how Allah really knows what's best to give me for my job. I thought I would be finished with my contract, travel wondering jobless, and get into my upskilling grilling mode on making a living thru some kind of idea which might be the unique purpose of my living. Instead Allahs give a permanent, stable job, 1 plus hour from my parent's home and in logistics. 

What I needed is;

- A constant dependable lower risk salary to help my family's finance.

- A place where I have my own time & space while still taking care of my family.

- A work which I am uncomfortable it pushes me to growth and appreciating my job.

- A job that helps the sick.

- A job that has balance with my own time (daily) as well as perhaps allows me to travel.

- And all in all, it's gets me in a state of constant gratitude and does not hinder my ibadah.

It is the right timing too. And hearing the next permanent placement open application is on end of 2027. Allah please replace them with greater rezqi. For my friends.

It is a great blessing. 

A little subtle show on values: Reliable, balance, growth, altruism/kindness, health, explore, religion.

Andd a busy weekend too. Today with Mubin, the business side of the family.

I'm in my zoning out zone,

TGiaH