This life is tough//Vision Board.

Just now I was snuggling in my blanket, crying. I had a quick dinner. My dad came. Hearing him sick how can my tear duct not swells up in tears. My lack of emotion mom, my autistic brother, my physically disability, the debts. Such a challenge of this world. Then my thought running over some guy. Ahh. I hate myself for that part. 

Surah al-fatihah is so soothing, then I came across mufti menk sharing that tahajud is by invitation only. Allah is the one that calls upon us, invites us. Even on my vision board, I put tahajud. 

Vision board, tahajud + doa. A clean space. To really polish my trading skills, invest more, buy a new car for my dad, a chance of umrah (perhaps hajj with my husband-he's non-existing yet). Books. I wanna read a lot. The iman of a palestinian medical assts not fearing death. And engagement + wedding photos for motivation.

Mantras:

I love & accept myself.

I am beautiful & one of a kind.

Allah is my Lord & I am His servant.

I am peace, calm. I want peace. I create peace.

28 this year. Sometimes it hits my nerves, I try to calm down. No time based goals, expectations. All in Allah's time.

Oh. I had dengue. Haha.

Maghrib,

TGiaH

New 2024.

Celebrating the new year with feeling unwell. Oh well. After the hatyai trip then thursday I'm down with a fever until now. My mom at the hosp dengue fever. Dad pon not too well. I guess today still the on progress test. Hmm. I can overcome this In Shaa Allah.

No mood to update,

TGiaH

2023 recap

Writing this on 18th March. Somehow totally forgot about this. Wished I written in on the end of December or early January. Cause my answer now might not reflect the actual memories and situation-ship at that moment of life. Oh well.. Bismillah.

January: Pekan-graphy.

February: Viets with parents.

March: National pharmacy sports day.

April: Mak lang's death.

May: Ipoh's weds, CCM oncall month.

June: Siblings day out at PBAKL.

July: Eid at Terengganu

August: Sister's sabahs + first actual election vote.

September: Ke korea ke kita.

October: Processing korea + volunteering month.

November: A mistake but it's okay + jerantut trip.

December: Family trip to Hatyai (my money Alhamdulillah). 

1. Name three words that best describe my 2023.

Travel, growth, 180 degree.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
Sometimes it's okay to just try (even that byk bergaduh dgn diri haha. Punya la nak tak nak), so when the times comes you have no regrets not trying. Niat lillah, with rewards In Shaa Allah.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Putting in much effort in someone. Specifically that not reciprocal back. 

4. Best decision I made this year.

All trip decisionss. Ahh. Best gila.

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
Belanja family pergi Hatyai.

6. Who helped you get through 2023.
I know every year my answer is Allah. But if a specific human, thanks coach AK cause somehow your classes always knock my head into reality again.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?

How close I am to 30 unmarried (I guess i had this worry around August to November).

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
As I open up a lot of wounds, discover yet again my desired to have that maternal relation I never had, how dislike and careful I am to attachment, I proud of how emotionally accepting I am to accept and welcome my emotions while unveiling whats behind.

9. Happiest moment of 2023.
I remember a picture of my sister and I, smiling in the sun at Sabah. So perhaps that is one of those moments.

10. Saddest moment of 2023.

Other than crying quite a few days during the March-May taaruf session, I remember a quite long cry to work in November because as I thought of how my heart is somehow open. 

Anyhow, Alhamdulillah for another year.

TGiaH

27.

1. Writing this throughout the day.

2. Half awake at 5 ish, made a doa thinking it's tahajud time but already subuh in thailand.

3. Waking up with my sister beside.

4. Reminded of my birthday 10 minutes later.

5. Got a group call from ibu to wakeup at 5.42 & S is already in the bathroom.

6. Wishes from ibu & abah midnight last night. They stayed up. 

7. Brushing my teeth sharing the same bathroom mirror with my sis. Such girl vibes.

8. Everyone ready at 7.10am ish. Good job. 

9. Breakfast at hawker's style (cam ipoh). The porridge is yum. 

10. Helped ibu with atm at thai. Mae the saver.

11. 7e here got pharmacy. Wahh.

12. Cp burger patties.

13. Taro fries, guylian chocolete, pink bali oranges. 

14. Warm wishes & hugs from aunty & uncle (my father's friend). 

15. Sister's childhood dress. Everyone remembers it. 

16. Picture with elephants + supporting person. 

17. Central mosque songkhla like taj mahal.

18. Coffee at the amazon.

19. Young ceo. 

20. Boat ride to island.

21. Navy boats. 

22. Hill with songkhla island view.

23. Exploring around an old fortress/temple.

24. Floating market funn.

25. Full buffett at 290baht/pax. 

26. Passing Le Garden. 

27. Iron my clothes for tomorrow the night before.

Keeping my cool. Feeling I want my birthday to be private with just close family. Less people knowing, better. Having to spent my whole birthday with them, good & healthy. No big fights. All was well. Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah.

Ending this with heavy rain. Dua. 

Happy 27, S. 

TGiaH

Hi! After 10 years.

Sunday. Today I met my high school desk-mate after 10 years. Allah. Has it really been that long since school? Wedding are the best reunion places I guess. Haha. It's quite intriguing thinking how Allah put us three in my car, and I'm driving. I had fun today. It's a spicy refreshing way I guess meeting them. Just I realized I'm at a different stage of life where I wanna focus on soul searching myself & my purpose, and if Allah wills one day I met my soul in our best state. With pure correct best intentions, values & end goals.

I didn't notice I've been spacing out kinda lost in my thoughts as those two talk. Hehe. I need my introvert intraspective reflection time to recharge. Our tests are different & unique. Their stories are not entirely focus on this life struggles yet I'm grateful I am chosen for a different test. Detachment. Being comfortable in my own skin. Loving myself sincerely as Allah wants.

My friends' child ahh so kiut. Hehe. Somehow I felt that kid had a liking for me. You have good taste kid. Ahh. It's so fun mini-playing with him. Alhamdulillah.

My friend, the bride. She's one who told she doesn't want to be married during school yet here she is. Allah's plan. If Allah wanna make it happen, even moving the two oceans, two person will met. Nothing Allah hasn't dictate outside His plan. No coincidental I met the people in my life at specific points of my life. Allah's plan, Allah's reasoning.

That one quiet girl who got married. Yes, she put in effort first. Yet then, both did afterwards. No escape it's Allah best destiny for her. So no need to be jealous Allah wrote my love story as well as death. Death is certain, so do jodoh. His Writings.

Yesterday, had locum. This week, first screening ump. It went well, not many parcels to prepare, hence why. Kinda terrified of a oppurtunistic coworker & training for RVD next year. Guess I can't finish my jodoh klasses. It's not possible to do all. I have so little time. And next week, a smooth sailing holiday. In Shaa Allah, Aamiin.

The talk,

TGiaH 

Pressed the delete button

I ddeleted. I deleted all the contacts related to him on Friday evening on the way to locum. I cried for 20 minutes. It's just I need to let go, which I never properly did. If Allah wanted, we'll meet again. Just as my initial belief when he said he didn't want to continue the taaruf. I was immensely relief at that time. 

Now, just getting my head, heart & faith right. Even though of unfollowing his sisters in laws account. Up to that extent. Just I didn't & I hope that part doesn't back lash me one day.

It all started from nothing, now it ends with nothing. The experiences always gonna taught me. I know I need to do a speak recording of everything that happen this year. This year evolves around him. 

I'm gonna forget, don't know if the day comes when I remember but now let's just forget. Giving my head the mental space to no longer think of him. Instead think of me & my real problems. My parents health & safety, my siblings dreams. We all are struggling. It's not worth of a stranger to take up my mind. 

Of course, I kinda like myself in june. Strong hearted, firm. August I fell due to intense feeling towards his mother. November, without realizing repeating my taaruf. I notice there is a lack of distinction phase contributing why. Now, I decide just call it quits. Allah knows better.

This week, I guess been a little all over the place. I feel myself tired. Just worried if this is actually laziness. Despite that, managing a few things done like cleaning + going to online class, is a good energizer. Got my car serviced too on wednesday.

2 days at home this week. I know time is precious. Being at home is also precious as much as going out. I realised I have not much friends when I remember about QM. Haha. The light at the tunnel. Not sure if it's the end or just a new tunnel. 

Noticed my locum's salary was wrong this week. Haha. Also, got my bro a side job for a day. Alhamdulillah big big gratitude for able to become a way for him to earn money in a thing he is good. Writing.

Okay, I still need to work out a bit + shampoo my hair + clean my bathroom. 

Rearranging my life,

TGiaH

A grand dinner with workmates.

Had the full day in house today, my first full off day since a while. This week been like stomachache + flu + fever on off. Glad I decided to take an mc on Tuesday. This week I also made a bad decision of telling his sis I like him. Well I do now sorta like don't like him. Like just now I like that I have a archi friend but I dislike the fact he's doesn't put much effort on being friends with me. Hmm. More of terbiasa but not like like him. And dealing with low self-esteem + low mood for the past November is not fun. 

I also made a brave last minute decision to be honest I don't really feel of getting to know anyone. Just maintaining friends is okay. It was kinda difficult cause I do feel oblige to make other person happy. It's just at first I really was interested to getting know him. Now, I don't feel it's the best decision. I really need to work on myself.

Also, I decided I need to move on. Haha. This is a middle size move on. Just I need to be really strict on detaching myself. Liking someone (on having him as a friend on top) doesn't have to mean attachment. I can like but detach. Giving it all to Allah.

Hence, as kinda like a journal/penguat semangat, I started a insta-write account. Total anon there In Shaa Allah. Still I kinda hope it's gonna blow up into something + give benefit to others. Anyhow, I need to be strong.

I put on a brave face & wore shawl & makeup to PKD's dinner. Haha. I look so nice. Alhamdulillah. Enjoyed my time a bit, now I have to go maghrib.

Bismillah to progress,

TGiaH