In my own..(head?)

Sunday evening.. Writing this. I decided for a 'no' screen time day, so I try to be very intentional with picking up my phone today. One thing I figure I use my phone a lot when anything curious past thru my mind. It's also a light drizzle in rain today. I met up with S yesterday, returning her book after 6 months, living in different states is what it is. Some of what she says hits, some of what I says hits me too. I'm grateful for the conversation and our relation still. The air feels different, not exciting as I had remembered just that it hits. One of the thing is my medical check up, define 'healthy' also I forgot about the health condition might or might not affect the job offer as per email. So that's one thing. So now I'm regretting not thinking her way. Her point is easier for if placement request. And placement thoughts. What do I want and what do I best choose? I know what everyone wants. Just Allah what is the best? Guess, I know what I want. Calm work, balance healthy life for everyone and able to do a good job.

Like today, I let down my ds girl, A. They have the stats volunteer day. I'm glad I didn't say yes. At the time before, I know I need to prioritise a day in for myself. Rest. Then, happens I got my period. So a day in bed is much needed. I feel sore. Period sore. I went out pretty much yesterday first with S and the evening night to a desi muslim millionaire wedding. My school senior, Dr/kak H got married yesterday. And that's so aww. Turns out her husband is family with my ex-naqibah. Haha. Today I still went out to my neighbours wedding as I didn't go yesterday. Imagine your neighbours are your in laws. I've been in bed pretty much just reading Me Before You. Now it hits the spot after 70% into the book. Did some light stretching. I kinda feel like painting after this. <The rain has come.> My uncle is still with us. I'm scared of his food might be aspirated. I'm just in an emotional, mental overload mess.

The 'mamaks' wedding. Yesterday was the walimah. 

- Food dome in every table.

- Rented out the whole level of Bank Rakyat's floor (in KL!).

- Light show.

- Food show.

- Kompang show + cake cutting.

- In house production of the wedding songs with the couples name.

- Bollywood style video for the mehendi & nikah (both at event halls).

- 7 levels parking lot (4 levels for G).

- New 'high end' car for the couple (one for each).

- Side; 3 albino siblings.

It was overwhelming for me. Grateful for me (that I'm not born into that world. Also getting to experience) and them. That's part of their rezqi. Alhamdulillah.

Glad I'm not 'desi' enough,

TGiaH

2026. The start of a 3.

And 3 meaning my 30s series. Umm. Writing that makes me flinch a little. Despite me being quite okay with it last year, but when entering this year being a 3 means a whole new life decade is starting not just a year (and unmarried, another thought). Am I be able to me more relax and mature? More feminine and me, in a a way? I don't know. I just finished writing my 2025 recap, I thought a first I don't have to necessarily do it the last night of 2025, then entering the new year ah I remember I might forget the actuality of last year. So I have to write it as soon as possible.

I might not make a new vision board for this year, just continuing off last year. Like I wanna have a colour analysis, getting to know my own fashion, doing cafe & book dates, reading on properties, learning ai and I still need to practice trading. Other than, continue my reading, conscious eating, creative outlets. Also, with the new 'era' of a highly likely new work place. I just wanna focus on taking care and surviving. No need for other big goals but this. We'll have to see how this few upcoming months goes. So my word for the year might be Care (for myself). I accepted the offer Monday, did my medical check up and oath (?) on Wednesday and uploaded up on Friday.

I'm writing this on a Saturday because I didn't do my laundry today. I did do my bedsheets on new years that's soo nice to have especially with a new year and new fresh flowers. Uuu. I love the flowers I got this time. I notice I'm chilling down allowing myself on the phone a lot. Hmm. Trying to teach my body resting without screen time. Oh well. But it's nice to get a movie in a free day off besides one small task. Pak njang back yesterday evening. Alhamdulillah. I henna-ed my hair Monday & got a hair cut last week Friday. 

I so need to go to the toilet, sorry.

TGiaH

2025 Recap

Bismillah..

Monthly highlight.

 January: I decided on doing & did the tasme' ds. Decided on new glasses!

February: Brunei trip, started my own 30 talking youtube video, did my first 'blind' taaruf session.

March: Ramadhan while juggling taaruf session with a psychopathy and ending it. Putting my self-healing/development to a test.

April: Ahh. This was a roller coaster of emotion. My parents were my worst enemy in this month.

May: The car accident which Allah saved me but I lost my car (the last message too). Witnessing everything with gratefulness. I got Syawal, my new Ativa car within around a week. I & L convocation. New cc.

June: Driving ibu and H to their convocation in Perak the very next weekend I got my car. The family korban on Eid Adha and the ME. Huhu.

July: Settling my car's takaful on my own (seriously feel like an adult). I tried started a youtube channel using ai for my side income while doing overtimes. Got my car tinted.

August: Continue doing overtimes while decided to stop the videos as I won't be able to monetise. Super tired all the time = burn out. Set up my car's dashcam.

September: Driving to Bagan Datuk, the disaster trip of Pangkor and Cameron Highland family trip. Trying to recover from burn out. The arrival of kittens and the death of their mom.

October: The 180 degree study turn for S. An emotional roller coaster week. Trying to take care of super baby kittens, from 4, 2 survived. Seeing the start of a new kind of friendship.

November: Last tasme' which is tasme' herba. Did pilates for the first time and started to take working out more seriously. Another new cc.

December: Convocation! Alhamdulillah I made it. A trio girls trip at Cameron Highland and I drove to there with the dark of the night and fog. Surprise permanent job offer.

2025 Reflection

1. Name three words that best describe my 2025.

Bold, safe, care.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
It's okay to prioritize which also means I don't have to be capable of doing everything.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Trying even though I scared. Getting a new car. Using shopee pay & spaylater as my main pay mode to maximise cashback.

4. Best decision I made this year.

Saying no & displaying my emotions even when it's tough (to my parents).

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
Darussyifa' convocation.

6. Who helped you get through 2025.
The yearly obvious answer is Allah. If it's a what helped? It's my prior investment to a healthy regulation & healing.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?

All my worries are valid. If I have to choose one, is money worry.

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
Stronger definitely.

9. Happiest moment of 2025.
The moment I realise I was able to drive my car with much less anxiety.

10. Saddest moment of 2025.

Saying goodbye to my lil sister S at the airport.

And that's 2025,

TGiaH

180 degree on 29 birthday list

Start writing this 23 December so let's rewind. 

22 December 2025 Monday

1. Starting the week off with unease like something bad gonna happen (specifically anything on my dad).

2. 12 ish: Got whatsapp from my co-worker I on email from SPA. 

3. Feeling like my world/my plan crashing down.

4. But I know the choice I have to make for financial security in particularly my family, not myself. Still, I needed istikharah for this pivotal decision. 

5. After a late punch out due to syr. Rifampicin on an elderly, got to the car to a group message whether we got it. So everyone at work now knows.

6. After exercise & folding my clothes, I rushed to ds. I needed the spiritual communal together, hoping for more strength, clarity, tawakkul for the best choice.

7. My dear uni friend, K whatsapp me whether I got it. 

23 December 2025 Tuesday

8. Asking kak A on advice on placement.

9. Asking boss on time off.

10. Seeing I settling her docs (last night she whatsapp-ed mentioning she accepted the offer), then ended up whatsapp-ing her.

11. Face on my boss for time slip next week for employment health screening.

12. Lunch call while writing this.

13. Today kswp shift. 

14. Bringing my mother's cooking to work today (breakfast + dinner).

15. 6pm at work right now - I'm feeling kinda neutral about where the placement will be, new experience and all. S is in a whole different country. Me? Allah knows best. 

16. 9.25pm. I just realised I forgot to iron my hijab for tomorrow. Currently waiting for the clock to strike 9.30. The fewer patients today..

17. Send my senior coworker, N home. I kinds forgot the road in the night. Hmm.

18. On my drive back home, there were a couple of moments I teared up. I recognised the feeling. It was not sadness, it was grieving. Grieving of the end of an era & onto new challenges. A new era of unknown. 

19. 11.36pm Telling myself tomorrow's not gonna change anything, nothing special, an ordinary day. Why do I feel nervous for tomorrow. 

24 December 2025

20. At 6, half asleep. I made doa. I don't remember the specifics of the doa. But I remember thanking Allah for the 29 years the I lived.

21. 6.25am. Drying my hair while mathurat.

22. 6.35am. Done wakaf. Saw the birthday messages from my family thru my notification. I saw my sister's whatsapp first. The messages made me smile. Everyone certainly know what I want for my birthday. 

23. Ibu was the first to say it in person today. Actually it was abah on the 21st December night after locum or was it 22nd December morning before work. As he will be away for work and back maybe 25th or 26th. 

24. 7.50am. Just finished replying to the whatsapp. Crying because I wish I can do more for my family. Remembered ibu told me this morning thank you so much for helping the family. 

25. 8.03am. Grateful I bumped into A cause I didn't have time to buy breakfast.  Just now a Park&Take patient walk in because there was no bell. End up I found my brekkie on the table were I usually work on Wednesday morning. A said she belanja me. Oh myy. On my birthday & she doesn't know my birthday I think. The vanilla bun taste like cake & the mixed berries yogurt drink taste like luxury. 2.20pm. Making the brave decision to post it up on instagram (close friends only). Might have found a new nasyid "Alhamdulillah I Thank You O Allah" by Blue Sky - Topic

26. Got whatsapp messages from I on praying my sister to become a billionaire so he have to quit his job to help spend my wealth. Haha. Aamiinn. And the single friends group such a fun chat. My family birthday wishes are soo sweet & love them. I ended up the wishes with a pray for our family to enter jannah together. Aamiinn.

27. Another whatsapp, pak J collapse. Allahu. I am chill about it but my poor mom. 

28. Bought pizza from a 'car boot' seller because my adik love pizza. Punch out 17.17pm. Late due to late orders.

29. Ending the day with istikharah. Allah help me make the best decision out of this. Side note: Did exercise, then ghusl so I just got back into solat & I ate mee sedap korean chicken spicy for dinner & one piece of durian.

I guess that's 29,

TGiaH

9.28pm 24th December 2025

Girls Convocation Trip

At last, the big trip has come. The awaited rest (gateaway) I needed after working consistently for so long. I just needed a break. :/ And the time together we all needed. Now it's Sunday, I wish I have another day off. Alhamdulillah Christmas public holiday is around the corner, so a rest in hopefully In Shaa Allah. The also means my birthday is around the corner too. Suddenly my neck feels tense. Haha. But the person I really hope get some quality rest & recharge is my dad. A car hit us on the side while we are on way to our family gathering in Tapah, and settling the police report.. Ahh. This makes me tear up as a daughter seeing how hard & tough a father has to be. Though I wished I can help accompany him, I really had to rest in today. I easily fall asleep and did the minimum today. A big sign my body saying rest and that's okay. My dad told me his story and still by the end he says everything got hikmah (even in my head I know I don't see it now). The heart of a believer. Allahu Allah, my deep prayers to ease his every affairs and protect him, us always. 

The Cameron Highland gateaway started on Wednesday, and started off late. Hmm. In Shaa Allah, there's hikmah. Though venturing to a mountain's road in very late evening with no street lights and heavy fog is not something I'll repeat. Alhamdulillah, with Allah's plan we made it. The very moment I'm patting my shoulder saying I did good not well but the best I could. Haha. The vacay was full on good food and good conversations I would say. The conversation cards were literally the best. <Ahh. I just made a RM500 sales in one receipt without trying. Alhamdulillah. It's raining now. Doa.> We went around a bit in Taman Setia & Agro Farm. A bit around the town but nothing much. More on staying indoors and listening to life stories. The fog was heavy with the rain. Ahh. I'm so in love with the misty-ness and the temperature is perfecto. Such a treat of Allah's creation. Guess I'm coming back to Cameron Highland just for the weather. 

The rain,

TGiaH

Stye & off hours

Yet another full week. Over the week, I felt myself really tired at work and in need of more rest (like capable to have a few seconds of eyes closed at 9am says it). Yeah, I had a full weekend. So that in turns me taking 2 afternoons off. Well, that's because one is preplanned for car service and one because of my stye in actuality (not because I am prioritising rest. Haha.). A chalazion on the exact on the exact same spot as few months ago. Huhu. But this time around is much much less severe. Kinda feels I worry over nothing. But my previous stye teaches me to get an mc if needed. It's okay to prioritise myself if I need it. That goes for deciding to rest in instead of volunteering ds. We got the cancel message on tuesday but suddenly wednesday night needed another help. Sokay.

I took up clinic shifts on saturday then give up my monday shifts. So I guess I am kinda trying to stick to my words on giving myself rest. Rest for recharge. Rest is good. End up a full saturday after work, taaruf chaperone duty, then post mortem but end up me overtalk. I remind myself of this though, the more a person knows of you, the more they have power over you. Despite my previous usual keep it to myself, this dear new friend likes to hear my thoughts, the deep ones. Lol. But also half of the time the half-processed ones, which in hindsight is not a good practice in the long run. For me, I mean. I need to let myself recoil back, take time thinking and then speak. In another perspective, it's a rezqi having a friend to have these kinds of conversation. And a reminder to myself, to be open to learn about her thoughts & perspective. Meraikan. 

Got home the night, my upper body berdenyut & in pain. So I know I'm tired. Then, sunday. I just knew about a kenduri, so I got a hour of nap in. Alhamdulillah still. So yeah.. I'm at locum.

Work callls,

TGiaH

DS Convocation

5 minutes to azan maghrib. Just writing this out because this girll need rest. Packed weekend with no locum, no kswp shift. Yet, packed. Monday night a trio night out after zikir at ds. Then, fridayy. I got back home at 7 due to heavy rain (it was short), which caused a road closure. Got back home, maghrib then rush to airport for my cousin's 1 month research/study in Japan. 

Saturday, doa selamat at pak cik G, then kenduri mak cik B, then back again at pak cik G for his son engagement. Sunday, ds convocation. Packed with settling gifts. Alhamdulillah for the experience. Then back home, zohr then out again for a taaruf discussion. It went way out of topic from what I thought to discuss the technicality of the conduct of the taaruf for my friend. But the discussion sailed like a talk we always have. Yet, I'm grateful that she feels grateful me sharing help her in a way she need. Reassurance/acknowledgement. 

So much to write and well...

Maghrib, byee. 

TGiaH