Eid adha at Terengganu + loving old people

Haven't even started yet but I'm already in tears. Reminded on tok's word. 

"Jodoh ni Allah yang tentukan. Allah yang rancang. 

Jika tiada jodoh ni dunia, ada jodoh di syurga"

Simple words, yet coming out perhaps from tok touches my heart. Even yesterday, I nearly shed a tear when tok said. It felt like a answer to relief my stress, anger, resentment, my wants of how hard Allah put me through this test. Like this instance, I want to move on yet Allah sent down an accident. An accident revealing I care. For someone that perhaps doesn't know I care that much even. How is that that night I even prayed solat hajat just so she's safe & sound. Allah chose me for this test. 

I'm trying my best. I have to move on despite it's gonna take some time. He's not the best for me. At this moment. I deserve someone who wanna invest his time for me. Grateful for me. Wanna be friends with me.

This week. 4 days eid adha holiday (1 official holiday + applied leave, then weekends). Meeting the very old to the very young this week. I realise I love old people. I love holding, caressing their hands while listening to their stories though at time I don't understand part of it while sometimes their dozing off while doing it. Trying to hold a 1 month baby. That one at least I accomplished for a few minutes.

Visiting the beach. Ahhh. I really want a holiday by the beach or island this year. Aamiin. Terengganu was good. Half-ish. I think. Lots of resting. Just poor abah. I hope he gets rest too.

And my close friend F gave birth to her son this morning. Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed as a friend.

Need to go for a bit of studying,

TGiaH

4 days locum kachim kaching

Writing this at my part time place. Alhamdulillah, I'm so grateful for this job. Hope for barakah in it too. It's a 4 days straight of part timing. Since one of the staff's husband died. Speaking of which, I learned from it. The type of marriage I want. A peaceful, calming one. A team framework. No resentments. In Shaa Allah, aamiin. 

This morning, first I slept much in a while. Feel semi-good about it. Edited a vid yesterday. A first in a while. I don't have much to write except I'm super excited for dinner, a full whole hearted meal. A fave of mineee. Soupp. 

Oh I almost forgot. Our k-eta has been approved. Mine 2 hours after I submitted it. Alhamdulillah. To a journey of barakah. Hehe.

A little joget-joget,

TGiaH

Noticing attachment

Writing this at k3 at work. I know writing at work seemingly a bad idea. It's just that I need to write. I need my outlet.

I noticed this past few days my thoughts are consumed by the past person though ending it was something I needed. It's complicated because I care about his mom. Geez. At times, I hate myself. Though the attachment is not strong it is there making me stuck, making me not being able to prioritise my centre of life, Allah. Allah, I need you as my centre of thoughts, my peace, my everything. Ahh. The accident is a huge test for me. A test for me which I will succeed. I have to. 

The attachment came from feeling of hope. I did hope that things worked out. I did hope I found the one, living a peaceful life with someone I can call husband. One day In Shaa Allah, S. One day. You have to certain, yaqeen. Huhaaa. Still, I learn from this I really want a partner, to get married. Just I'm a little confused whether I should venture online now or later. Or just focusing on myself, fixing my relation with my Rabb. Why not both? Idk.

I did my best. Just because some person hopes for me it doesn't mean I have to not get to know others too. No need to feel guilty or stuck. I'm sure she wants the best for me too. You've got this!

\Feeling better,

\TGiaH

Ke Korea ke kitaa..

Just got back from another ziarah. Phew. Serious I sometimes Idk how to navigate things. Anyhow, yeah. Life goes on and on and on. Not worth getting stuck. *sudden boil of blood* Alhamdulillah, all is well.

So planning on going to korea end of September. Alhamdulillah managed to book a cheap ticket. So now my head full of korea. Hope I made the right decisions all the way. 

Hmm. Hope this conversation ends tonight and doesn't drag. 

This week despite monday off day to service my car it is a longg week. Many locum shifts which is Alhamdulillah. Need some rest tonight cause tomorrow is a long shift day. 

Somehow decided undecided to go for the bowling tourny. Ahh. I don't feel like going much. Oh well.. 

May Allah ease all our affairs.

Aamiin,

TGiaH

Another Monday writes..

Took a day off as I had to service my car. RM340 ish. Feeling a bit well rested. Alhamdulillah for the day off. Went bowling! After a month-ish. So-so la. Still need to pick up those spare. My balancing.. Cook for the house. A bit of kitchen & room cleaning. 

Weekend. Full both locum day + kenduri + visiting mak long Adah Tok W. I was amazed how to actually care for a sick person (stroke person) and how little I know. When the time comes, will I be able to do a good job?

Aljhamdulillah, my locum pay last month was correct. Ma Shaa Allah I didn't know that I managed to earn that much but Alhamdulillah. Allah have given me so much. Just like how He move the hearts of others to genuinely help me find my life partner. I'm ever touched for their gesture. My dad said his mother said there might be a bit of misunderstanding. That he wanted to get to know while he still stabilises his income. Well. I though he said he no longer wanted to get to know me which is pretty evident by his actions. Which also a part of his personality and his situation (takkan nak bersungguh nak kenal anak orang tgh takde duit kan). Though if he really want, he will find a way. A man always do to get his lady. Gitew. Meanwhile, I'm happy for this situation where we are just normal friends and not taaruf-ing. Focusing more on myself. Improving myself. Fuhh. I lack so much. All in all, I leave Allah to plan how this will turn out. Pareto principle. 20-80.

Syukr,

TGiaH

I care. Siblings day out. PBAKL 23.

Contemplating whether I should write now or on the way back home. Another train ride writing.. 

Didn't wrote yesterday so here I am today. First day back at work, had it a bit easy today. Back home slept woke up suddenly a pang of depress + sadness. There are those moments.

How is that I'm not good at expressing myself. With the right words for someone. Alhamdulillah I bought the book KEKOK. Maybe the few past events bought me to buy the book. A reason for everything, ey?

Alhamdulillah, settled for May's CCM (just need to tally back the timing & print out the reasoning notes). 

I am loved.

I am loved.

I am loved.

Some days shows how inadequate I feel. Missing parts. Attachment. Pain. Sad emotions.

Had a full 3 day weekend.

Fri- lunch call almost didn't go back early, CCM thingys to do

Sat - wedding things + locum

Sun - all 5 siblings day out at PBAKL + 4 fingers + hanbing + barbeque

Mon - last minute lalaport to meet up with a friend dok Brunei 

Feeling blessed really.

It's just over the weekend his family got into an accident. His mother, mak. I was worried. I cried. Therefore, I found out I care. Not him, but his mother. Her kindness did touch me. May Allah bless her with the greatest reward. Aamiin. She is safe. Alhamdulillah.

Reminding myself to do kindness with detachment of repayment or outcome. I do it for myself. Not for others. 

Mak,

TGiaH

An ipoh wedding + dealing with past trauma.

As a child, I was always the one left out. Most of the time. Seeking a way that pleases others always been my way. Growing up, I learn to no longer do that as much. Instead, I appreciate myself. I was triggered with a past faint memory that the people around me appreciated it more that I was not there. That is how I felt yesterday, after my roommie's walimah. Seeing her close friends, my mind thought why did I come to her nikah when she didn't properly invite me (to my defense she was welcomed to the idea, and I enjoyed the nikah & the time I spend there much. Alhamdulillah.) But yeah, I thought maybe she didn't want me there. I don't know. If it was me, I certainly am happy but of course it's not something I will openly invite. Fuhh. I really hope she was happy me being there.

A short ipoh trip that morning with my fam who all of us haven't taken a bath. Haha. But somehow Allah place the plan of how I 'teringin' which is just Alhamdulillah. And all the fate of making the way easy for us (like the non existing queue before us then suddenly few minutes later the queue starts then the parking spots. Just the little things we deem seem like wah Ma Shaa Allah. My pictures this time thoughhh. Huwaa. My aesthetics. Whyyy. (Telling myself I really should be please with the pics). Alhamdulillah.

Drown in sweats,

TGiaH