Ke Korea ke kitaa..

Just got back from another ziarah. Phew. Serious I sometimes Idk how to navigate things. Anyhow, yeah. Life goes on and on and on. Not worth getting stuck. *sudden boil of blood* Alhamdulillah, all is well.

So planning on going to korea end of September. Alhamdulillah managed to book a cheap ticket. So now my head full of korea. Hope I made the right decisions all the way. 

Hmm. Hope this conversation ends tonight and doesn't drag. 

This week despite monday off day to service my car it is a longg week. Many locum shifts which is Alhamdulillah. Need some rest tonight cause tomorrow is a long shift day. 

Somehow decided undecided to go for the bowling tourny. Ahh. I don't feel like going much. Oh well.. 

May Allah ease all our affairs.

Aamiin,

TGiaH

Another Monday writes..

Took a day off as I had to service my car. RM340 ish. Feeling a bit well rested. Alhamdulillah for the day off. Went bowling! After a month-ish. So-so la. Still need to pick up those spare. My balancing.. Cook for the house. A bit of kitchen & room cleaning. 

Weekend. Full both locum day + kenduri + visiting mak long Adah Tok W. I was amazed how to actually care for a sick person (stroke person) and how little I know. When the time comes, will I be able to do a good job?

Aljhamdulillah, my locum pay last month was correct. Ma Shaa Allah I didn't know that I managed to earn that much but Alhamdulillah. Allah have given me so much. Just like how He move the hearts of others to genuinely help me find my life partner. I'm ever touched for their gesture. My dad said his mother said there might be a bit of misunderstanding. That he wanted to get to know while he still stabilises his income. Well. I though he said he no longer wanted to get to know me which is pretty evident by his actions. Which also a part of his personality and his situation (takkan nak bersungguh nak kenal anak orang tgh takde duit kan). Though if he really want, he will find a way. A man always do to get his lady. Gitew. Meanwhile, I'm happy for this situation where we are just normal friends and not taaruf-ing. Focusing more on myself. Improving myself. Fuhh. I lack so much. All in all, I leave Allah to plan how this will turn out. Pareto principle. 20-80.

Syukr,

TGiaH

I care. Siblings day out. PBAKL 23.

Contemplating whether I should write now or on the way back home. Another train ride writing.. 

Didn't wrote yesterday so here I am today. First day back at work, had it a bit easy today. Back home slept woke up suddenly a pang of depress + sadness. There are those moments.

How is that I'm not good at expressing myself. With the right words for someone. Alhamdulillah I bought the book KEKOK. Maybe the few past events bought me to buy the book. A reason for everything, ey?

Alhamdulillah, settled for May's CCM (just need to tally back the timing & print out the reasoning notes). 

I am loved.

I am loved.

I am loved.

Some days shows how inadequate I feel. Missing parts. Attachment. Pain. Sad emotions.

Had a full 3 day weekend.

Fri- lunch call almost didn't go back early, CCM thingys to do

Sat - wedding things + locum

Sun - all 5 siblings day out at PBAKL + 4 fingers + hanbing + barbeque

Mon - last minute lalaport to meet up with a friend dok Brunei 

Feeling blessed really.

It's just over the weekend his family got into an accident. His mother, mak. I was worried. I cried. Therefore, I found out I care. Not him, but his mother. Her kindness did touch me. May Allah bless her with the greatest reward. Aamiin. She is safe. Alhamdulillah.

Reminding myself to do kindness with detachment of repayment or outcome. I do it for myself. Not for others. 

Mak,

TGiaH

An ipoh wedding + dealing with past trauma.

As a child, I was always the one left out. Most of the time. Seeking a way that pleases others always been my way. Growing up, I learn to no longer do that as much. Instead, I appreciate myself. I was triggered with a past faint memory that the people around me appreciated it more that I was not there. That is how I felt yesterday, after my roommie's walimah. Seeing her close friends, my mind thought why did I come to her nikah when she didn't properly invite me (to my defense she was welcomed to the idea, and I enjoyed the nikah & the time I spend there much. Alhamdulillah.) But yeah, I thought maybe she didn't want me there. I don't know. If it was me, I certainly am happy but of course it's not something I will openly invite. Fuhh. I really hope she was happy me being there.

A short ipoh trip that morning with my fam who all of us haven't taken a bath. Haha. But somehow Allah place the plan of how I 'teringin' which is just Alhamdulillah. And all the fate of making the way easy for us (like the non existing queue before us then suddenly few minutes later the queue starts then the parking spots. Just the little things we deem seem like wah Ma Shaa Allah. My pictures this time thoughhh. Huwaa. My aesthetics. Whyyy. (Telling myself I really should be please with the pics). Alhamdulillah.

Drown in sweats,

TGiaH

Feeling better + when I die.. Falling back to routine.

The thought of death. In a good manner. A syahid. A jihad. A battle I must fight. To victory. An everlasting Jannah and my Lord. 1 week has passed. Had a slight contemplation & no I don't want to moment when the reconcilation us are just distant friends moments. Guess I do kinda hate him. Well, to be fair I hate myself at certain parts but I'm proud that I tried my best. And very relieve with how Allah plan things to end. Just wished had a few more conversation I wished I had. But nvm. The end. Full stop.

I do keep think a gift for his mother. A sweetheart. At least what Allah has shown. May Allah bless her & her family always. I deserve someone much better & ready. And I have to be that person. I'm still thinking here and there but the sense and clear mind from thoughts and focus shift back to me, life & Allah. Is just well better.

Drowning in sweats,

TGiaH

Ended!

The taaruf finally ended. Yuhuuuuu. Haha. I felt so relieve when it did. And beautifully with Allah's plan at that. 2 months exact. My on a day off, tuesday his mom text first which was majorr alert surprise then yeah everything else comes to piece. I didn't even to put much effort. Fuhh. Stress season is over and I'm back with being me with a lil aftermath state of mind and emotion but I'll get through this. I will. Biiznillah. To a better me, to a better someone, to a better future.

Felt super on top on weds, which was really nice. Kak K & his mom, really sooth my confidence. Thank you for liking dear me.

Renewed my roadtax, bowled. Kinda good score at first. Today however is a lil particular rough day a bit. Waking up to a lil anxiety at heart then sadness. Hmm. Then awkward afternoon. A lil unsettling feeling but I got this.

Current jam: Arwian Dwi - Satu Shaf di Belakangku. Sweet as honeyyy.

Reflecting Idk myself if I'm ready. 80% is me being my best version of myself, healing, making way through. 20% is finding him.

Saturday night,

TGiaH

A panicky gift + exhausted.

This week been a roller coaster (specifically this weekend). Huhu. Haha. Anyhow, I feel my heart soften as a b-side of still proceeding with this taaruf-not-so-taaruf thingy. Hmm. Feeling like ahh stress why do I hae to put all the effort into someone who is not interested in me? Ahh geez. Benci2. Penatt. Nak nangis. Tadi maghrib auto angkat takbir terus nangis cam bdk kecik dpn Allah. Allah. Ana kalah. This battle? So tiring. Why oh why someone like him? I really like his family but him? Idk ya Allah. Ahh. I feel the tears coming. To put my ego aside eh? Huhu. I don't even know if he can accept me. Another stab in the heart. I prayed if he is the one to Allah to soften his heart, to have the criteria I need in a husband & father to our children and for me to be the best spouse, mother & daughter in law. If not, let my one and true jodoh to ease his affairs and everything (the 2 rows I just stated). 

His uncaring nature. Hmm. Another side of my concern. Will he be able to have empathy to his wife? Lesser of my concern, his ability as a leader. I still need to get to know him. While.. Waiting for someone else to come. Think this of polishing my skills. Eceh. Sampai nangis2 kau. Huhu.

May. Monday 1st May - holiday & Thursday wesak day. Got a bit of rest in. First time oncall ccm. Nervous a bit but not too much. Had a lil Weds scare to the clinic with the power cut. Guess have to integrate solat hajat everyday this month. Today work kinda felt like wanting to work full 8 hours. But I need to rest.

Thursday open house at surprisingly his housing area. Ahaha. Thw whole story was basically so funny. Didn't expect his house to be in the same area as the open house just a couple rows away. Then, when searching for the house I basically park at his house without knowing it ws his fam house, went all the way to the last house only to find out we were at the right lane. Uturn back, lahai it was the house I just parked. Rushed & panicked, asked H to put the gift in the letter box to almost him to open the door to almost scratch his sister's car. Alhamdulillah that didn't happened. Anyhow, that's that. Didn't contact him since that day. 

So where are we heading?

TGiaH