The rezqi of now

The weekend was pretty chill, just 1 locum slot yesterday but everything else was chill. Peaceful in comparison of my roller coaster of emotions and thoughts during the week. Basically I lazied thru which I shouldn't. Anyhow I am finally done with netflix stories, it is somehow somewhat revealing of my emotions and wants. A way to figure what's deep in myself. I had a bit of fun for sure. Games.

While the week, the results for kontrak interim was out. After another scam on tuesday, the very next morning the group was check your spa. Despite reading the message at fajr, I didn't check it yet. I was ahh I don't care. So yeah, turns out I am curious so as I arrive at work, made doa for the best though I do want a peaceful umrah if possible, the results said SIMPANAN. A huge wash of relief and peace waterfalls down me. Alhamdulillah, I'm going umrah. 

It was certainly fine all throughout work until later the evening 2 closer friends of mine got it (while kswp syif). It was not jealousy rather grateful at least some of us got it, just the creep of ahh will I get the chance for a permanent stable job with decent salary too? I thought it was fine but truthfully I am scared of not having a job aka not having money. I need this. And thursday proves just my fears, another avalache of debts and worries from my dad. It's so hard seeing my parents split between their passion and responsibility. I do wish at the time for my dad's company to do truly well. It's painful to see trial and challenge after another with this. I really hate debt. And how much I loved this freedom I have with no debt to spread out to my family, certainly peaceful. Aamiin.

The pain with no tears, it's been a while.. Feeling that familiarity. Pain. Crying.

Exactly 1 week to umrah, In Shaa Allah.

TGiaH

Gaming sunday

What I am doing. Haha. Playing games the whole dayy. Yeah, I'm really bad when it comes to story games the last time I remember. It's fun being the character of a story having funn. Hehe. I am over-treating myself after checking off my work on coaching. Ahh and it's been a while since I enjoyed or played anything. Ahh. 2 weeks until umrah, I feel bad. Huhu. The struggles of being human. I planned to continue my doa list but oh well. I think I finish off buying all I need so that's Alhamdulillah and I did a bit of my doa list on wedsnesday. Also, the gsheet on thursday. Alhamdulillah.

The Friday gave me a scare on the whole interim thing. Not a big scare but I really hope it doesn't "usik" my umrah, either the dates or any else. Anyhow, we'll have to see for tomorrow. Had wedsnesday and friday off. While friday had lunch call. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for the time. Had kswp shift on tuesday which was smooth Alhamdulillah. The monday, I asked on the recording and pluck the courage to ask on transcribing. And yes, I can transcribe (which was a horror due to all the filler words!). Just hoping for a pass. In Shaa Allah, aamiin. 

So yeah, back to gaming. Huhu. Haha. 

Handling myself

Nothing much on monday except prep for live assessment. Nervousness suddenly kicks with I'm underprepared vs this is just to try, not thinking of I have to be best to do the assessment. It was really hard on me tuesday morning at work, where I can't really focus. Should I dig in to able to manage it or just fix my mindset and embrace the feels without digging in. I know some parts of it came from a constant "I need to do well/succeed" but imagining I didn't pass is okay, so I just don't know at that point. The true thing is I don't want the hassle, the cert is a nice thing to have, probably a boost in my career development. Truer, I just need squeeze the gist of what I learn and put into practice? Good? Best? Not of all that, yet again I know I want to help others (and myself), yet I am nervous. Somehow, the nerve calm down at work. Just I really needed that relax period for an hour before starting. I did good, just wanting on the results. Just prayers now, doesn't help with it being late. Huhu. 

Wednesday and Thursday post work, are my break nights. I manage to squeeze in a session at work, so that's a pat in the shoulder. Major 10.10 shopping. Thursday night surprise, I got a message from K. Ahh. It felt good having to meet her after long and initiated by her. The kind of friendship that sure has a place in the heart. I supposed to meet up with F for a session on Friday lunch but Alhamdulillah somehow it worked out. Meeting K and talking to her, hearing her voice makes me feel as the time turned back to uni days. Also realised, she has a a more understanding than mines. Kind spirit In Shaa Allah. Submitted overseas application.

Then, the night locum. New intern. I guess somehow the girls in locum have good ears but I did notice I have the urge to talky talk with them. Haha. A new coffee machine which is nice. Gave me a delayed caffeine effect at 5. A lil early but okay. Saturday to umrah course. Picked up luggage and sending in the documents. It's nice experience with my sitting neighbour and grandma at the restroom. I'm praying still for Allah to choose me and many others. Aamiin. Met my pic, ahh. So she's her. Umm. Then, back at home for I sleep for one, then off to locum in the thunder rain. 

Sunday, somehow I did sleep in long the afternoon. I wish I didn't but it is what happened. So delayed my plan for writing in my dua list. Oh Allah, please grant me the energy and barakah in my time to do it. Aamiin. A lil visit from fam in the evening. Anyhow, I wish for more time. 

Prayers, prayers.

TGiaH

Another year, another cp day

Uhh. I wish I have another day off. This weekend has been productive with some me-me time which was just about 6-10pm today. Haha. Had a good thinking+emotion session. I really thought without all the gadgets (influence) what are my thoughts? What do I want? What do I need? Hence, although I have some consciousness over social media, it's scary my default is scrolling thought it. I just have to consciously pause myself and take a moment to myself. There's no need for the dopamine injection, I have time to be present. 

A productive weekend by saturday morning a farewell to my lil sis off to uni, then rush to world cp event (funny i'd just knew menteri kkm to my dad's acquaintance and the last time they met was when I was in hosp shah alam for teeth extraction//surgery). Then to bowling, I did fairly good. Better than worse day, so I'm feeling good about it. I did had a an afternoon off on weds for a bowlig sesh and that's pretty much that practice. I enjoyed both. And lucky draw! A guy's watch. So for my bro's it is. This morning a 4 hour usrah. Haha. I guess we had a good chat, just I was a little like ahh patut put my clothes out to dry and come late. But sokay, that's settled. Also did a coaching session before umrah. At least one is out of the way. 

Had my physio+ot appointment monday afternoon. A little tired from the weekend. Tuesday, usm news came for my little sis. This week was a major roller coaster for her and impacted my fam. But Alhamdulillah, Allah plan a place for her in meds still. Weds night did a little coaching session, when thursday came the big news hit. How the world is so money-oriented. Huhu. It is what it is. Thursday night had a late celebration for L's birthday last month. Anyhow, Alhamdulillah. 

I paid off my umrah. I need to save money more, but now I have to admit not "treating" myself is hard especially I learn it's okay too. I'm still learning. Just somehow conflicted which says I love myself? Spending or saving? Probably saving now, but not depriving. 

Anyhow, signing off. Bismillah to a new week.

TGiaH

Period relief

Ahh. Let's finish this up so I can go to sleep earlyy. 

Monday. First thing I did when I get to work is applying for my cuti rehat for umrahh. After applying then I confirmed with p.t. if can or not. Haha. Fuhh syukur can. Then, nervously about the money thing I still managed to finish off my ump. Paid by 4pm to show my commitment then by night the rest Alhamdulillah. Now waiting my cuti rehat to be approve. Little by little the days comes closer. I still need to plan out my duas. Writing it now I barely remember my heart thumps the monday. How changes as the days passes. 

Had an emotional wreck on thursday. The wednesday and thursday wasn't my feel good days where I'm feeling overwhelm about the coaching assignments and self-expectation. I am stressed and I feel I'm nowhere near a range where I could in my mind ahh I think I can pass being a coach. It's the stuck of I'm focus on listening to the coachee then my mind zooms out for me to see as 4D perspective on the coachee's situation, yet understanding but I can't be totally empathic which could make me just as stuck as the coachee which is not great. Then, at the back of my brain reminded myself open questions, open questions, solution-focused, solution focused which I don't have that much before. Haha. Reminded this is something just for self-growth, trying gently negotiating my achiever side that there's no need to push myself. Just here to enjoy and convincing myself I am and always doing my best so that's enough. Comparison is harsh despite needed to motivate to reach the goal. Detrimental sword. Huhu.

I don't if due to that it hits my stress spike which my period is delayed by 2 days. I was little little cautious as it might affect my next cycle which might touch a little my umrah but now probably if anything just my first flight day kot. Wallahua'lam. I still prayed and I'm relieved. I'm just a servant, Allah whoms plans. I'm just a servant, Allah whoms plans. With payday comes, a huge relief. So many rezqi Alhamdulillah. Friday jamuan day. So many rezqi too. Alhamdulillah. 

Saturday a full locum day which starts in the morning. Despite iman warehouse sale day which I wished to go (and today I saw they got Vivy's book at discount), I got Not Here To Stay for muchh cheaper at carousell (purchased yesterday, received today. ✔ Alhamdulillah). So just focusing on one book at a time, that's okay. Uhh. I did ordered a book (gift) post out to S's house on wednesday to repay back her kindness of lending her book which I hoped the surprised worked. Finished & did 2 book reviews (I'm still working this out) I actually kinda plan to get back early but somehow with the loosely plan, I managed to finish my laundry, mini-tidy my room, and then get together for a girls night and day in KL (just got back home at 6). Those friends are good people, just the more I see it the big groups with bad habits of speaking in circle and not direct and let go is not good. Huhu. A part of me labels it as a danger warning character of a person I won't keep in my close circle, but in my outer circle they're still learning and growing, so once a year enough. Just zip my mouth shut which I probably by default is when with them, listening and take parts I can take knowledge. Simply just that. I'm just a human, and I have my faults too. 

That to that, bismillah to a new week.

TGiaH 

Calm-roller coaster.

Monday morning, malaysia + maulidur rasul day. Went to jog at Taman Saujana Hijau then back with matcha solo date. Haha. I just had despite I know I should be saving money. I don't quite remember the rest of the day except I had a super rush evening and late night. This week been an alternating of okay than to super tired. Had one extended shift then one locum and really chill work which is a blessing for my tired body. I wish I am more energetic. I think it's because the botox effect is wearing off, I feel both pain and numbness. Paradise days are over for now. 

While for umrah, after receiving no reply on whatsapp I directly call the hq and got in contact with the pic. I was just so grateful because after that, it was so smooth about the payment then later than night my sister with the helpest of my youngest brother's iphone, we managed to finish off saudi visa app. My cousin and her kids come from kedah that isya', my heads was high is raudhah. I really wanna go biiznillah. Then, friday came with a new pic, telling I need to pay RM2k by monday which was not the agreement before. Instead of discussing it with me she simply passed over the sales rep I booked with, which in my perspective no very kind of her to do. At least understand the situation, that no one from the company contacted me which I had to contact first with no information of the payment due previously. It's impolite to demand urgent payment with no discussion especially when the fault is on their side. It's their responsibility to tell me earlier regarding the payment which they fail to do so. Despite in my body feeling stress and upset, I managed to talk with the sales rep my situation, so In Shaa Allah we'll see. And I still despite that, try to put in my best effort to get the money. May Allah ease. Aamiin.

Managed to do 2 coaching session this week, another one tonight with sis so total of 3. I think this week I'm really tired of the coaching sessions. I'm proud of myself still for being consistent. One I did at saturday morning, which made me feel so accomplish for the day. Oh and I managed to get a replacement coachee. Friday was a bit challenging day which I journalled. Youngest bro brought in 3 boxes full of recently expired & near expired frozen food which is Ma Shaa Allah, a big rezeki. All in all, that's for the week. Alhamdulillah.

I can get through challenges, :)

TGiaH

How is it I'm still blogging..

Salam maulidur rasul. I'm too lazy to blogg. I ended up scrolling my phone for 5 then slept until 6 in the morning. Haha. So I am at 6am writing my blog. Had a super rush in finishing off ump. Haha. 67 in 5 hours? Alhamdulillah I was assigned at webconsole and park and take the next morning. Allah had ease my affairs without me asking it directly to the schedule maker. So I somehow managed to finish that. 

Wednesday and Thursday. Somehow the car park was already full at 8 which is aye lots of people trying to get to work here using MRT. And Alhamdulillah the disability parking slot always save me. I really do think they need to add more car parks. *subuh jemaah prayer break>>+wash face, brush teeth, skincare, stretch*. (Now I'm left with 11 more minutes before I really need to go.6.49am.) I had my first coaching lab as a coach. I think I did well as a beginner coach. Also it was despite my coachee doesn't have any goal. My spontaneous act was I wanna kick here. Haha. Had my second session as a coach the next day. I think I did good too. Just gotta work on the close ended question. I managed to walk again in the morning from the station to the place. This time the google route but I wouldn't walk the same route cause as I was passing by there were dogs barking from the woods. I enjoyed my time in the course and friends. I think mainly cause somehow everyone has I wanna learn and grow vibe. 

Friday, I managed to do a coaching session with my coworker thru phone. Blessed her with helping me. In Shaa Allah I can do it. 6 out of 20 session down. A work in progress. I had work on Saturday which was chill (3 days holiday). Ohh. I had to pick up my labcoat from the store (stitching up my name) but it was with my friend so that's that. Sunday had 3 wedding invitation (2 from schoolmates of different schools, 1 is my parent's friend). Went to 1 with my family (incomplete without abah & I). Settling my visa umrah photo and vaccination. Alhamdulillah, my dua of a cheaper shot was answered. And the things to be done was smooth. Just.. Is it just me or I'm a little worried why the admin hasn't followed up on me yet regarding my umrah booking? And they haven't replied all Friday, at least the sales person replied. 

Allah ease my affairs, aamiin.

TGiaH

P?S: Happy Malaysia Day!