Needle in carpet

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah manage 4 days of 6 days syawal fasting. Despite feeling not well. Monday after kedah was a struggle. I think I caught the heat wave. Fever + ulcer. Contemplating of fasting of tuesday, deciding I'll try if can not I can break fast. Somehow manage day 4. 

Friday, clinic raya gathering. Malay classic. I wore my 10 year baju kurung, a gift from my aunt. It's been 1 years since SPM. Fuhh. How time flies. The jamuan was great! Manage to finish the check & found. Huhu. I hope I did it right. Hopefully. Uuu. I did some sales on Monday & Friday. *pats in the back*

Yesterday, open house for family. Somehow turn out to the most chilled open house we had in years. Food overload so had to ask for back up. We cooked so much like there's a mini event. (I even joke my father mcm majlis. Haha.) Alhamdulillah. After gifting the food, there's more. Haha. Anyhow, I'm grateful there wasn't more than that. Several improvement for next year. Still Alhamdulillah. 

Had a needle prick my big toe's nail. Ouch. Just really glad just me & my sister got caught in it. Not the guest. F come Alhamdulillah. Though my high school friend whom I haven't met in 4 years, come around the same time. Had lots of funn. Just went on to F a little late. F also seem to enjoy her time. Abah got a little carried away with Y. Haha. So cute. Y really seem like a good good kid.

Today, sunday. Wind down & rest. Though did went to pondok unais. Ahh. Pretty much it. Around this week, I don't remember which few days contemplating on removing my following & unfollow for my peace of mind. In the end, I decided to do it anyways. Ig is still very much my choosen circle, people I choose. So I can. If they wanted to, we can always follow back the time then. For now, for the better, not.

My tidy room,

TGiaH

Weekend in Kedah

Started work again at Wedsnesday. Alhamdulillah work is good. Somehow I managed to pitch some sales on Friday Alhamdulillah. Proud of myself. After a week long break, Alhamdulillah I picked myself at Mon-Tues from lazy era. Moving around and getting things done is a cheer up.

Saturday 3am ish. Otw back to Kedah. Breakfast at cousin in Penang, then Pak Lang's house with little R. After a shower & rest, visiting family's house after house. Alhamdulillah, short, sweet, chill. Just a lot of food stuffing which I need to put in more intention to eat after this. 

Sunday 9ish, otw back. A stop at the market and 10, we were off. I'm glad L is with us, helping us in driving. My dad's slip disk.. Worrying.. Huhu. Smooth traffic free journey, except KL got a bit of jam. J=Haha. Arrived Bangi around 3. 

Loved the journey. Much rabbi inni lima azalta ilaya min khairin faqir. Been a year since I was in Kedah. I must say the heat... I am a little more appreciative of a good temperature now. But the night's are cooler than Bangi. Missed tahajud this morning.. My phone in my bag. Didn't realised it was 6. While little R, intelligent kid just losing parents at a very young age. I learn how much I am kind to kind while trying to be gentle, teaching them good values. R needs parent figure. Discipline another word. In Shaa Allah, Allah will protect and guide him.

Early sleep,

TGiaH

Move on..

A lil detour from my previous post. Gonna write a few things down. Ahh. So not in the mood of writing but still at this point laying down in bed seems unappetizing either. Getting something down is much better. 

No one tells us how moving on is hard. No two is the same. This one though much lighter than the previous one (cause the guy is so not worth it), still as much as I want it to away with the wind as fast as possible it's not. 

There gonna be moments, dips and peaks to the process. Some time I feel totally fine, some other time I question myself why I miss the moments. I miss commenting on his sister in law's ig story, knowing what the little ones are up too, chatting over whatsapp, having that person I trust and relied on. The person I thought was a friend, a middle person, a neutraliser between me and him. Gone. And I have nothing to do but accept it. That we never were friends, I somehow realised I was the only one that thought we were. It hurts. I trusted her. Oh god. Even writing this, I'm crying. She's not in my circle of friends, still I trusted her like a friend. To be clear, she's not a friend-friend. If not the hurt would be much greater. 

I prayed the best for her, a better for her and her family even she stabbed me by treating me like a total stranger. How much it hurts, remembering the times. Suddenly a total stranger. Until today, I don't know she did that except from misunderstandment and taking sides. What's wrong with explaining to me so that I understand? I didn't even have a clue they needed time to discuss, no one told me. I was confused and blur. And she's a part of it. Perhaps in her pov, it was the best without knowing how much it impacted and hurt me. She missed out my side. The fact she got mad at me and dismiss my terkilan feelings fuhh. That's a big stab. 

To categories this, this is a wound of mistrust/betrayal. Even small might just be an misunderstanding. The fact that I could no longer contact her (to prevent a bigger misunderstanding like I wanna pursue) and she with no effort want to mend things. How horrible things ends. It's crystal clear their family cut ties with us, so there's nothing I can do. I'm the only one hoping a good relation. All in all, Allah knows better. 

If I miss them (or memories), the only thing I can do is make dua. The silent gift of a believer. I can't ever ever purposely watch their instagram. The only thing that will do is backlash on my moving on and healing journey. 

Badly wanna heal,

TGiaH

Transitioning from Ramadhan to Syawal

Eid Day 5. Hmm. I guess there's a few things on my mind yet I have such a short time before going to work at 5.00pm. It's 4.07pm now. Yikes. 

The commote to & from work was heavenly this week. And the slow paced work kinda give a rest pause buton. Last night of Ramadhan (monday), probably went to Al-Umm. Didn't prayed 20 rather I was praying solat hajat over and over then speed finishing my tadarus. I feel like I haven't really make that big massive chunks of doas as I intended. I do have my dua list I recite every day & night. Just.. It wasn't enough (like it ever was enough).

The last day of Ramadhan, got to go back a little early at 4 (can be earlier but I'm saving my off hours). Then right on time to break fast at mak teh's. Hadn't had much but it was enough. My non-muslim cousin cme and it was a treat to have them. Waiting whether it was the last night of Ramadhan or first of Syawal.. I was hoping for another day. It was when I prayed maghrib at surau, during my sujud, the takbir was heard. I was kinda panicking at the kalimah allah that isya' might came already but it hit me than Ramadhan has ended. Oh the sadness. Oh Allah. Weeping away my tears. I really hope for a next Ramadhan.

Continue after locum..

More like continuing the next afternoon..

Wesdnesday. First day of eid. Me & my sister had a little figuring out hijab styles at the bathroom of masjid besi. Haha. It is one of the moment I find sweet. Our raya clothes matched so well. The ladies & gent. Even though I am tbh, a little pinched by my father's expectation. Fuhh. He needs to learn it's okay wearing a little less fancy as long as the person's wearing loves it. But reminding every year wasn't enough so yeah. At least this year, I scored the save the bucks point. And the pictures turns out so nice la the clothes. So I'm extra proud of it. 

Ahh. It's gonna be a long post if I'm keep going like this.

After quick photoshesh, back home to our neighbours house. Then back home, MAKE UP my lil sis. My make up I mean putting on foundation only but oh boy I'm a proud big sis. I wore mediheal face mask the day before and sis wore no makeup except lip matte cause her skin was good (plus probably my skin decide to behave. Haha. Alhamdulillah.) I had my first period drop on Eid night. Uuu. The one thing I'm a bit upset when I opened my instagram after a month is how I just knew that first Eid night is mustajab dua. Huwaa. Moments I regret not opening instagram. At least the most important duas I did. The best death & next Ramadhan. May Allah be pleased.

Then to my my dad's friend's house. Wah. I meet with someone with same travel aspiration like me. Back home then after nap, hurried to Seremban. Had an unexpected jam. After a long time, met Uwan. Ahh. I love talking to her. One of the moment I remember being a pharmacist is good. Good job, helping others, and in times deciding. I know right the part I love about my job is how I can help others. Just the clinic settings, I think the pharmacy knowledge is shrinking. I don't know much like how much I like to know. Also Uwan mentioned 27 is a good age to be married. Haha. Uwan doesn't know I'm 28. Haha. Well, 27 going 28 at the end of this year. 

Then mak teh's house. Uuu. I love the big gathering. Me & sis, helped with a marathon of dishes. A def memory too. Sweet. The good good food. And the big family picture! Alhamdulillah about mak tam. 

Day 2.. Cont after picking up my clothes first..

Okay, so day 2. Had a major savior the night where I iron my hijab then there sparks from the wire. So grateful I wasn't hurt. Alhamdulillah. After this and that, managed to iron my hijab in the end. Day 2, Perak day. Went to dad's friend then foster families. Nap a bit a the third house. The heat. Fuh fuhh. At night was at the orang tengah's house. It's a tradition every eid night we went. This year, only the parents were home. My family prayed first then greeted by pak cik's F then while waiting for my family member's to finish praying, I salam mak cik's N and she hugged me long and snuggly tight. I felt her sorryness from the hug. I was neutral throughout the visit, except one moment I reminisce the past and felt slight sadness. It was when mak cik's N mentioned kak K's pregnancy I felt pain. I'm still curing the pain from her. Happy but sayu. That is how I felt.

Had a little convo among the parents, exchanging thank you, sorry, a little blame depa yang bersungguh, something better will come. Except from the slight blame (I know it's blame-blame just penyedap hati), I was okay with everything. Oh and except my father told about the wakaf thingy. Allahu. I hope he didn't bring that up. But Allah's knows best. When it was time to go home, I salam mak cik N she said sorry which I feel please don't. Allah knows you did your best. Just there are certain things you don't know. From my mouth, I said thank you for everything cause without lying that's I honsestly feel. With her sincerity, thank you so much (except I forgot to say sorry too). She said don't "nanti mak cik nangis/sedih". I held myself back there. On the chair outside, I talked a bit with her about the car. Also, she said mak cik doakan jodoh baik dunia akhirat buat S. Please do, I need the duas cause honestly now and particular that day I don't feel like searching or marriage at all. I just wanna enjoy my life. Mcm anak sendiri.. I felt the love and care.. Honestly, the best I can pay back is prayer for her and all. 

That day, mak teh tapah also adviced if there's a good man come for your hand in marriage, terima je. Hellp. I'm scared. Haha. Also nenek before salam, ada dah ke. Belum.. Ghisauu. Visited the graves, al-Fatihah. My aunt talk about the land. If rezeki, biiznillah. 

Day 3. Slept in. Ibu abah and the boys settled errands in Malacca. Then visited my dad's side here. Visiting the sick. Day 4. Day in. Honestly no battery was drained. Day 5. Visiting the sick, In Shaa Allah healthy again. Locum.

Day 6. Monday. Day off. Healing.

Best duas,

TGiaH

The smell of baked cookies

Ahh. The smelt of the cookies in the oven baking. Natural perfume. Just so heavenly. Somehow my laptop is yet again disconnected to the wifi. So my plan to tax filing fail. I didn't realized I put it off for a month. I did fill it up on 2nd of March, then plan to recheck before submit but I guess I'm busy with the spirit of Ramadhan weehee. So yeah perhaps when I get to work at 5 today, I checked back.

Today is 3rd day before Ramadhan ends. 27th Ramadhan. So fast. I feel I did much yet I feel did so little too. Biznillah all my goals will be well accomplish. Just the moving on, letting go, forgiving part I need to remind myself it is a lifelong process. Even now, I'm major-somewhat over it, I never fully know. The scars will always be there despite the healed wound. I guess that's part of being human. Read a few pages of hlovate in an attempt to read more instead on my phone this morning. Let's say it's like sweet poison. Reminded so much how I wanted my romantic relation to be. 

Hmm. Probably another crying at the end of Ramadhan. Yet again. Huhu. Just hope every good, prayer accepted and the bad, not so good are 'afiat'ed.

A full week of work, I manage to survive. I still don't know where this talkative side comes over me when I've been quiet and pretty much reserved for a while. Just to say I don't quite like it because I overthink the things I say, critic and judge myself for saying my thoughts too fast even it's nothing just off topic to the situation. Let's say that's how auto run my mind is without pulling reins (imagining how riding a full run horse is. Haha.). I know I'm a good person, always trying to be good despite my dark sides of it. Quote Carl Jung here.

This weekend, managed to helped around the house a bit more, cleaning off the remnant miscarriage blood of a cat (an bloody yet pity experience), folding the clothes, sweeping the floor, cooking (I love cooking!). Just I have to recognize it is at the cost of giving up my me time for myself. I figured I need a balance between both. I need the weekend to do my stuff too also it's my time too to learn it's okay to rest. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. Also, did zakat harta last night just need to double check if the payment came through.

I did journaling almost every night this week (or was it every night), figured I need that added sort. My mum ask helped for the Palestinian eid packets so I gifted my friends some (the ones I have the addresses). I know it's so last minute, but why not the added charity? Remembering the love for our brothers and sisters there in the happy moments of our precious day. And even if my friends happens to have enough eid packets already, they perhaps can use it for next year.

A thing I was wondering today. Where is the line of taat? Taat to our parents, husband. It's something I've been struggling since I was little. I know for certain if it's within my capability, I definitely do without question. But if something I have my own opinion/plan, that is where the tricky part is. I thought of if the parents ask to be a doctor when the child has his/her own dream? It is a sin to not taat? Or if the child have a parent who have the tendency to structure the child's life to their own expectation een if the child if over the age of 18? I believe there's a fine line between it, an certain level of maturity, respect and understanding to it. It's not impossible but for certain perhaps it is. And with this I really hope I'll be a good parent one day. Although the thoughts scares the heck out of me. Haha.

4 ish. Gotta go. Work.

TGiaH

4 days off + entering the last 10 nights..

This week at work super eager for Thursday to come because I can't lie but I feel tired and needed the rest and sleep. Fuhh this ramadhan's challenge.. Or is it because I'm becoming older? And I left my Qu'ran & digital tasbih the Tuesday so umm.. Slept early that day so didn't read the Qu'ran much. The Monday had a litte 'accident', regretted underestimate my bladder's timing.

Aynhow, Thursday came and I pretty much slept, did a lil cleaning, colouring and catching up with the Qu'ran. But I guess I was dissapointed in myself cause Friday was the same. The proud bit for the 20 rakaat tarawikh. Saturday was our big family gathering day so I helped around much except the not so fun bit getting scolded by my mom. She misunderstood oh well. That's life. And she must've held that grudge for quite some time. Aiyaa. Alhamdulillah, all is well.

Had lots of fun for the gathering. An thing I'm really grateful, good family, positive, fun, care and love. To have this rezqi of iftar + tarawikh is a big blessing. I prayed I get to have a gathering like this with all the same people in Jannah. Wasn't able to slept the night. So I ended up sahur, tahajud, Qu'ran at 3. My dad come around to eat too. Hey mate. 

Sunday is a bit of busy day. Woke up 8ish. Laundry, class. Rush the print the material. Just after class, I faced the big giant wall. Stuck + tired. I didn't quite grasp the class because associate with subconscious and sunken memory. Talked about dark traits, at first the ones that completely resonates with me were; shame, judgement (current), matyrdom (in the past). But as I ask the coach a question in class, make me rethink perhaps I have more hidden. So I decided all. Including all the one moment passing feelings cause that's feels more honest & I can tackle all. Just the dark traits, have ranks.

I was kinda upset tbh. Like wow all the negative traits associated with me. I thought I was a good person. Somehow I come across shadow work on google and slept. Waking up, dazed. I feel my right arm was in pain. Perhaps I needed some shadow work now, so I did. So now, I'm rush to work. Kukukuk. 

Folding clothes,

TGiaH

Spilling oil

Sunday afternoon. This morning I spilt some of my hair oil while I was bending down to pick up the fallen cap. So probably not gonna sweep my floor. The icon on the down bar of my laptops are missing. No microsoft, no chrome. Alhamdulillah the start microsoft home button is still there. Signs of aging. Almost 10 years with this buddy. Thank you buds.

Just took a shower. This ramadhan definitely comes with the heat. One full week of syifa' showering. Umm. Alhamdulillah. Had a bit of a struggle to be fully abid for Ramadhan, somehow got distracted with Plato. 

Oh and I revealed my family business to my friends at work by gifting some products. Hope it's nutritious, yummy, tayyib & halal they like. (The door gave my a scare suddenly opened when it's locked. I'm wearing a towel Allah. Haha. Okay got changed.) So my business bossy side picked up a bit. I do like selling I guess. May Allah open the door of barakah rezki for my dad's business.

Friday, half day at work went out to sell the ring. Alhamdulillah a smooth process. A bit sayu & it was a pretty ring, but I know it's better to let go. It's not mine to keep. 1.5g. Fuhh. In Shaa Allah, the funds to be wakaf divided to 3. So long memories, salam pahala. Aamiin.

Saturday, did a lil volunteering with the juniors in the morning. It was fun! Love to see every gene's activities. Hehe. Then, off to locum at 3. Time flew fast at locum either that of I was texting my school friend. It's nice. My head is into to shopping things I need & want. A treat to myself. And it's nice. Like I really value myself like how I value to spend on others. Here's to spending on myself!

Tuesday, a same day notice to work. Went in after maghrib. Good Alhamdulillah.

I cried just a little this week, good to say I feel good today. Alhamdulillah. The week back to fasting and tonight going into 14th Ramadhan. So fast..

Onto colouring,

TGiaH