R-Day.

Haha. I still can't spell out the actual word. It's just. This was an unexpected outcome. I feel like somehow everything was rushed I couldn't process in short amount of time. Overall, the story was;

Saturday

On the way back from the airport, abah mentioned about a family gathering. A bit surprised but that was just it. It's a good thing to gather, talk, good food gitu.

Sunday

Recovering from 59k steps of my travel. Hahaha.

Monday

Morning at work, abah said he wanna say something about the gathering. I was okay.. It was a bit weird as before I started my work, I have the urge to text F asking her dua Haha. Random right. The night, back from darussyifa', my sis mentioned to me his family came to 'risik' with a ring. I still remember the word that came out of my mouth "Apekah" with a laughing surprised face. Like huh? Waited for abah until 1am to know the full story. At this point, I am still very much confused. Whose goddamn work is thiss. And how just how on earth he agreed to this? Saying he picked it & wanna pay for it himself. In my mind, he's not even the slightest interested in me and I'm just trying to establish a good neutral friendship je. Haih. Andd if he's really my friend, at least he can ask if I'm okay with it or tell me about it. My mind was running on autopilot I barely slept.

Also it's today H got warded (dengue).

Tuesday

Work per normal. Another wake up at 3,4am. Used this time to study. Prayed solat hajat for the best after zohr & maghrib. As so the upcoming days.

Wednesday

Half day (managed to ask the day before. Phew). Went straight to H at the hospital. Then, with ibu to buy some storage boxes. Haha. During the visit with H, I thought of my cousin's risik. She cooked a ton from morning, even make a whole load sausage bun from scratch. Well, I don't remember what bread exactly but a ton of buns of sorts. Hmm. I have to be polite enough to at least prepared something right? What's somehow no bake, easy & quick to make, other than what has been prepared? Also, aesthetically pleasing. Haha. Somehow I stumbled upon fruit pudding so yeah, a quick visit to the market. Made the pudding to chill that night. Stirring that way too long, afraid I might burn the milk & adjusted to my taste. Haha. Seriously not sticking to the exact recipe. Another wake up at night.

Thursday

Morning with a droopy eyes. Haha. Don't quite remember the morning, but I remember abah ask me to rest cause I looked so tired. Haha. And I finished up my dessert before noon. Things were hectic cause we were soo busy cleaning, tidying. Everyone was on board. Even L managed to make it home. Also H got discharged. So grateful my siblings are there for me. At 7, the jitters starts to kick in. Ahh. Nervousss. Then, when people started to arrived damn I was so shy. The moment my sis told his family has arrived, I couldn't even pull myself to get out of the kitchen. But because I have to be respectful I managed pulled myself out in the end, with my sis by my side just to salam his mother. But seriously I barely could put my eyes at the guys section. Bwahaha. What the heck, S. Just a year ago, you managed to look at him straight in the eyes. Now? Just because there's quote unquote subtle journey to marriage, you can't even face him?? Ahh. During the discussion, I hid myself a bit using the stairs. Sometimes I hear, sometimes I don't. Then, desert time comes. Ahh. Unexpected my fruit pudding, was gone much first. Haha. I was so adamant (mati-mati ingat) people were not gonna be interested much. I even made it small cups so that people can take home & if no one wants, I can give it to my co-workers the next day. Haha. So I managed to talk a bit la. *pats in the back* Ohhh. I remember my skin was in good condition that day. Haha. I don't even care to wear any makeup but because abah my be why tak pakai, so yeah I did wear a bit. Had a group photo sesh. Haha. Funny. At 11 ish, people slowly were gone. After everyone was gone. I talked with mak cik N, until 2. Hearing her side of story, aww. My heart opens up a bit.

Friday

Woke up. Had a super sleepy day at work. Haha. First time my eyes auto shut while at work. Also, I did a few mistakes the morning. Lucky, F is such a gentle friend. My work that day was super gentle and kind to me, not that heavy workload. As if Allah knows I need to wind down. F ask for lunch together, definite yes although I need the sleep. Managed to not talk about it at all. Good job, S. Was busy talking about other adult stuff. Haha. Sleep drive on the way home. Grateful I didn't crash or injured another or anything. Sent a text out, seriously why he doesn't text me firsttt. Read al-Kahfi with a slur cause I was super sleepy, and by the minute my eyes shut. Woke up at maghrib. 

Saturday

Still recovering, feeling myself back a bit in the afternoon. Alhamdulillah.

So that's it. Fuhh. I think I spent 40 minutes to write. Haha.

Ease my journey to You & to the best.

TGiaH

Solo trip to Singapore.

Lazy to write. Zzz. I'm back at Malaysia! Yesterday night. Such a quick 2 days 1 night treat for me. The first day was miraculous. Spent so much speaking, making doa to Allah, exploring a new country, new views, new things to observe & experience. The second day, let's say was a bit of a rush. Yet, Allah helped me out a lot. Ticked of my bucket list for the places. So many things different yet same. MY & SG. 

Day 1

Woke at 4.30am, to get out the house at 5ish. S & L was a big help driving to the airport (KLIA2). Saved me some money. Airport chill, Idk why my airport visit to Singapore is so chill. Haha. Had Pop Meals. Get on the flight on time. I slept during take off. Kah2. Arrived (Terminal 4), had this autogates for most countries. So advancedd. Then, explore Singapore booth for my ezlink card. Even Garden by The Bay was cheaper (SGD106, klook SGD113). Pay by card. Switch to Terminal 2, topup SGD 8. Got to Sentosa. The front of USS was amazing. I like the placee. Haha. Here I discovered 7e to budget my meals. Then off to Bugis Street & checked in. The Sultan Mosque & Wardah Bookstore. I passed the store by mistake. Haha. Bought a bookk. The hotel is nicee. The receptionist played a bit of a prank. Kah2. And I got such a cozy space for mee. No beds up mine. And deeper in the room. Alhamdulillah. Had to go out to Garden by The Bay. Was in a rush. Just to say Cloud Forest was magnificient, wanna spend more time there, just soaking in the air. Flower Dome meh. It was dark already at that time. (Wish I went to the flower first) The showw. 7.45pm. Made itt. Just amazingg. Then back, another 7e visit. My feeett. 

Day 2

Woke up 7 ish. Had the chance to go early but snuggled in my bed for another hour. So 9 ish I went out. On the bus 10ish. Raining. Decided to still go to Merlion. Then the National Gallery. Oh my godd. It was so funn. Just that, because it was so big. 2 wings. 5 levels (indoor), 2 levels (outdoor). I kinda lost the appreciation nearing the 2 hour. Still fascinating. Then, I lose my ezlink card (think I still got 7 dollars in it). Haha. Alhamdulillah the mrt was near just another walk. And Alhamdulillah I have cash for the card. Just I like the explore card better cause it tells me my balance. Decided lunch at 7e again, bought my dinner also. My flight got delayed. So I have time for Jewels. After get in my bags, airport. Jewels, then terminal 4. Back home. Gate opened at 8.25pm. Take off at 8.45ish, arrived an hour later. Got a lil miscomm KLIA1/2 with abah. Haha. 

Anyhow, Alhamdulillah. Just on the way back a lil announcement on a visit. May Allah ease if that's the best. Aamiin. 

Allah.. For what's good for me & everyone.

TGiaH

Removing assumptions, birthday I

Today's my lil's bros birthday, I. We had a breakfast with my dad's friend family pak cik G. It's been a year since we had a family breakfast with them. Safe to say, I fell out of the idea of marriage with their son. I remember the first offline risik experience with them. An experience.

Now I am my usually salon. Sadly I am still waiting after an hour & a half to cut my hair. They have their technician today. I made a careless step of not asking availability first with the admin. Usually I ask first. Ahh. I feel tired from the heat. At least I settled buying my car's perfume. 

Tomorrow's work. Hmm. I don't know how to feel. I'm grateful for my work especially after 1 week of staying at home. I don't know how long I'm capable of working, serving this way. So Alhamdulillah. Giving my best In Shaa Allah. 

This week, my adik's I 'tumpang' my car. Definitely felt tired from the extra 30 minutes of driving. Feeling the need to sleep early every day. Alhamdulillah I have the chance to sleep early. 

Mak cik A's sent me a doa at 1st Rejab. It's sweet even though the sweet gesture. Alhamdulillah for the reminder.

Ahh. Cepat la finish the repairr. Wanna guling2 in bed & some other things.

TGiaH

P/S: I almost forgot to research my singapore trip!

This life is tough//Vision Board.

Just now I was snuggling in my blanket, crying. I had a quick dinner. My dad came. Hearing him sick how can my tear duct not swells up in tears. My lack of emotion mom, my autistic brother, my physically disability, the debts. Such a challenge of this world. Then my thought running over some guy. Ahh. I hate myself for that part. 

Surah al-fatihah is so soothing, then I came across mufti menk sharing that tahajud is by invitation only. Allah is the one that calls upon us, invites us. Even on my vision board, I put tahajud. 

Vision board, tahajud + doa. A clean space. To really polish my trading skills, invest more, buy a new car for my dad, a chance of umrah (perhaps hajj with my husband-he's non-existing yet). Books. I wanna read a lot. The iman of a palestinian medical assts not fearing death. And engagement + wedding photos for motivation.

Mantras:

I love & accept myself.

I am beautiful & one of a kind.

Allah is my Lord & I am His servant.

I am peace, calm. I want peace. I create peace.

28 this year. Sometimes it hits my nerves, I try to calm down. No time based goals, expectations. All in Allah's time.

Oh. I had dengue. Haha.

Maghrib,

TGiaH

New 2024.

Celebrating the new year with feeling unwell. Oh well. After the hatyai trip then thursday I'm down with a fever until now. My mom at the hosp dengue fever. Dad pon not too well. I guess today still the on progress test. Hmm. I can overcome this In Shaa Allah.

No mood to update,

TGiaH

2023 recap

Writing this on 18th March. Somehow totally forgot about this. Wished I written in on the end of December or early January. Cause my answer now might not reflect the actual memories and situation-ship at that moment of life. Oh well.. Bismillah.

January: Pekan-graphy.

February: Viets with parents.

March: National pharmacy sports day.

April: Mak lang's death.

May: Ipoh's weds, CCM oncall month.

June: Siblings day out at PBAKL.

July: Eid at Terengganu

August: Sister's sabahs + first actual election vote.

September: Ke korea ke kita.

October: Processing korea + volunteering month.

November: A mistake but it's okay + jerantut trip.

December: Family trip to Hatyai (my money Alhamdulillah). 

1. Name three words that best describe my 2023.

Travel, growth, 180 degree.

2. Biggest lesson you've learned this year.
Sometimes it's okay to just try (even that byk bergaduh dgn diri haha. Punya la nak tak nak), so when the times comes you have no regrets not trying. Niat lillah, with rewards In Shaa Allah.

3. Biggest change I did this year.
Putting in much effort in someone. Specifically that not reciprocal back. 

4. Best decision I made this year.

All trip decisionss. Ahh. Best gila.

5. Best single achievement I made this year.
Belanja family pergi Hatyai.

6. Who helped you get through 2023.
I know every year my answer is Allah. But if a specific human, thanks coach AK cause somehow your classes always knock my head into reality again.

7. Which worry was unnecessary this year?

How close I am to 30 unmarried (I guess i had this worry around August to November).

8. How did you grow emotionally this year?
As I open up a lot of wounds, discover yet again my desired to have that maternal relation I never had, how dislike and careful I am to attachment, I proud of how emotionally accepting I am to accept and welcome my emotions while unveiling whats behind.

9. Happiest moment of 2023.
I remember a picture of my sister and I, smiling in the sun at Sabah. So perhaps that is one of those moments.

10. Saddest moment of 2023.

Other than crying quite a few days during the March-May taaruf session, I remember a quite long cry to work in November because as I thought of how my heart is somehow open. 

Anyhow, Alhamdulillah for another year.

TGiaH

27.

1. Writing this throughout the day.

2. Half awake at 5 ish, made a doa thinking it's tahajud time but already subuh in thailand.

3. Waking up with my sister beside.

4. Reminded of my birthday 10 minutes later.

5. Got a group call from ibu to wakeup at 5.42 & S is already in the bathroom.

6. Wishes from ibu & abah midnight last night. They stayed up. 

7. Brushing my teeth sharing the same bathroom mirror with my sis. Such girl vibes.

8. Everyone ready at 7.10am ish. Good job. 

9. Breakfast at hawker's style (cam ipoh). The porridge is yum. 

10. Helped ibu with atm at thai. Mae the saver.

11. 7e here got pharmacy. Wahh.

12. Cp burger patties.

13. Taro fries, guylian chocolete, pink bali oranges. 

14. Warm wishes & hugs from aunty & uncle (my father's friend). 

15. Sister's childhood dress. Everyone remembers it. 

16. Picture with elephants + supporting person. 

17. Central mosque songkhla like taj mahal.

18. Coffee at the amazon.

19. Young ceo. 

20. Boat ride to island.

21. Navy boats. 

22. Hill with songkhla island view.

23. Exploring around an old fortress/temple.

24. Floating market funn.

25. Full buffett at 290baht/pax. 

26. Passing Le Garden. 

27. Iron my clothes for tomorrow the night before.

Keeping my cool. Feeling I want my birthday to be private with just close family. Less people knowing, better. Having to spent my whole birthday with them, good & healthy. No big fights. All was well. Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah.

Ending this with heavy rain. Dua. 

Happy 27, S. 

TGiaH