Quite a session + a healing day off.

Ants season is in. Just ants almost sparingly in my room. 

Last week has been hectic. Despite the muharram holiday. I'm grateful for taking the Monday off. I went on the bowling tournament. Always arriving there brings me a sense of excited but throughout until the end, I never fail to feel the tang of sadness. Surrounded my people that doesn't care the halal/haram, the compulsory lovingly 5 daily prayers, professionalism, negativity, and dunya-oriented. My heart always feel unsettling since the last time. I guess bowling is fun just not the environment around it.

Wedsnesday was muharram. First day of a new Hijri. I went out for a coffee meet up session with coach. Kid you not I was hella nervous. My expectation >> just let me survive this. I didn't even notice my anxiousness until coach pointed out. I noticed I was feeling nervous and scared. My fingers was shaking. Like this person gonna make my brain naked which is boom. The session was overall nice, normal coachee-coach sesh. Just after I was able to collect myself back after, this person feels a little off for me, I didn't feel safe. Coach definitely pull quite a few psychological tricks on me. So I decided to not take the coaching now. Ahh. Love the hot latte btw.

Just a few keywords from the conversation to ponder..

Aib.

Size.

Glasses. 

Explore. 

Confidence vs self-esteem.

How young.

 Coach vs teach.

Adhd, dyslexic.

Abang,adik.

No judgment.

Thank you, coach.

TGiaH

Blue ticks..

A post dedicated to blue ticks.

I poriginally planned to a post ranting how stress I am about a blue tick I just received. But then I read the text I sent. Hmm. Sokay. Maybe the question was not what the person would like to talk about.

A blue tick means the person has seen the message.

No reply means countless possibilities.

Forgot.

No intention of replying.

Busy.

Still thinking of how to reply.

The best blue tick out of many is a blue tick then a hours of pause then a reply. In a way, you know that person remembers you dear. (or thinking subsconsciously).

Had few days back to back locum so was very exhausted. A very rewarding 9pm sleep. Alhamdulillah. I went bowling. After a month. Next weekend, tournament. Gulps. Just don't wanna fail miserably. Hehe.

So yeah. In the end, I double text. Kah2. 

Anyhow a blue tick doesn't lessen a person's value okay. It's simply just life. You are sooo worth it. Strong, beautiful & kind.

Blue, my colour. Well, not so much if I'm upset.

TGiaH

Eid adha at Terengganu + loving old people

Haven't even started yet but I'm already in tears. Reminded on tok's word. 

"Jodoh ni Allah yang tentukan. Allah yang rancang. 

Jika tiada jodoh ni dunia, ada jodoh di syurga"

Simple words, yet coming out perhaps from tok touches my heart. Even yesterday, I nearly shed a tear when tok said. It felt like a answer to relief my stress, anger, resentment, my wants of how hard Allah put me through this test. Like this instance, I want to move on yet Allah sent down an accident. An accident revealing I care. For someone that perhaps doesn't know I care that much even. How is that that night I even prayed solat hajat just so she's safe & sound. Allah chose me for this test. 

I'm trying my best. I have to move on despite it's gonna take some time. He's not the best for me. At this moment. I deserve someone who wanna invest his time for me. Grateful for me. Wanna be friends with me.

This week. 4 days eid adha holiday (1 official holiday + applied leave, then weekends). Meeting the very old to the very young this week. I realise I love old people. I love holding, caressing their hands while listening to their stories though at time I don't understand part of it while sometimes their dozing off while doing it. Trying to hold a 1 month baby. That one at least I accomplished for a few minutes.

Visiting the beach. Ahhh. I really want a holiday by the beach or island this year. Aamiin. Terengganu was good. Half-ish. I think. Lots of resting. Just poor abah. I hope he gets rest too.

And my close friend F gave birth to her son this morning. Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed as a friend.

Need to go for a bit of studying,

TGiaH

4 days locum kachim kaching

Writing this at my part time place. Alhamdulillah, I'm so grateful for this job. Hope for barakah in it too. It's a 4 days straight of part timing. Since one of the staff's husband died. Speaking of which, I learned from it. The type of marriage I want. A peaceful, calming one. A team framework. No resentments. In Shaa Allah, aamiin. 

This morning, first I slept much in a while. Feel semi-good about it. Edited a vid yesterday. A first in a while. I don't have much to write except I'm super excited for dinner, a full whole hearted meal. A fave of mineee. Soupp. 

Oh I almost forgot. Our k-eta has been approved. Mine 2 hours after I submitted it. Alhamdulillah. To a journey of barakah. Hehe.

A little joget-joget,

TGiaH

Noticing attachment

Writing this at k3 at work. I know writing at work seemingly a bad idea. It's just that I need to write. I need my outlet.

I noticed this past few days my thoughts are consumed by the past person though ending it was something I needed. It's complicated because I care about his mom. Geez. At times, I hate myself. Though the attachment is not strong it is there making me stuck, making me not being able to prioritise my centre of life, Allah. Allah, I need you as my centre of thoughts, my peace, my everything. Ahh. The accident is a huge test for me. A test for me which I will succeed. I have to. 

The attachment came from feeling of hope. I did hope that things worked out. I did hope I found the one, living a peaceful life with someone I can call husband. One day In Shaa Allah, S. One day. You have to certain, yaqeen. Huhaaa. Still, I learn from this I really want a partner, to get married. Just I'm a little confused whether I should venture online now or later. Or just focusing on myself, fixing my relation with my Rabb. Why not both? Idk.

I did my best. Just because some person hopes for me it doesn't mean I have to not get to know others too. No need to feel guilty or stuck. I'm sure she wants the best for me too. You've got this!

\Feeling better,

\TGiaH

Ke Korea ke kitaa..

Just got back from another ziarah. Phew. Serious I sometimes Idk how to navigate things. Anyhow, yeah. Life goes on and on and on. Not worth getting stuck. *sudden boil of blood* Alhamdulillah, all is well.

So planning on going to korea end of September. Alhamdulillah managed to book a cheap ticket. So now my head full of korea. Hope I made the right decisions all the way. 

Hmm. Hope this conversation ends tonight and doesn't drag. 

This week despite monday off day to service my car it is a longg week. Many locum shifts which is Alhamdulillah. Need some rest tonight cause tomorrow is a long shift day. 

Somehow decided undecided to go for the bowling tourny. Ahh. I don't feel like going much. Oh well.. 

May Allah ease all our affairs.

Aamiin,

TGiaH

Another Monday writes..

Took a day off as I had to service my car. RM340 ish. Feeling a bit well rested. Alhamdulillah for the day off. Went bowling! After a month-ish. So-so la. Still need to pick up those spare. My balancing.. Cook for the house. A bit of kitchen & room cleaning. 

Weekend. Full both locum day + kenduri + visiting mak long Adah Tok W. I was amazed how to actually care for a sick person (stroke person) and how little I know. When the time comes, will I be able to do a good job?

Aljhamdulillah, my locum pay last month was correct. Ma Shaa Allah I didn't know that I managed to earn that much but Alhamdulillah. Allah have given me so much. Just like how He move the hearts of others to genuinely help me find my life partner. I'm ever touched for their gesture. My dad said his mother said there might be a bit of misunderstanding. That he wanted to get to know while he still stabilises his income. Well. I though he said he no longer wanted to get to know me which is pretty evident by his actions. Which also a part of his personality and his situation (takkan nak bersungguh nak kenal anak orang tgh takde duit kan). Though if he really want, he will find a way. A man always do to get his lady. Gitew. Meanwhile, I'm happy for this situation where we are just normal friends and not taaruf-ing. Focusing more on myself. Improving myself. Fuhh. I lack so much. All in all, I leave Allah to plan how this will turn out. Pareto principle. 20-80.

Syukr,

TGiaH