Feeling better + when I die.. Falling back to routine.

The thought of death. In a good manner. A syahid. A jihad. A battle I must fight. To victory. An everlasting Jannah and my Lord. 1 week has passed. Had a slight contemplation & no I don't want to moment when the reconcilation us are just distant friends moments. Guess I do kinda hate him. Well, to be fair I hate myself at certain parts but I'm proud that I tried my best. And very relieve with how Allah plan things to end. Just wished had a few more conversation I wished I had. But nvm. The end. Full stop.

I do keep think a gift for his mother. A sweetheart. At least what Allah has shown. May Allah bless her & her family always. I deserve someone much better & ready. And I have to be that person. I'm still thinking here and there but the sense and clear mind from thoughts and focus shift back to me, life & Allah. Is just well better.

Drowning in sweats,

TGiaH

Ended!

The taaruf finally ended. Yuhuuuuu. Haha. I felt so relieve when it did. And beautifully with Allah's plan at that. 2 months exact. My on a day off, tuesday his mom text first which was majorr alert surprise then yeah everything else comes to piece. I didn't even to put much effort. Fuhh. Stress season is over and I'm back with being me with a lil aftermath state of mind and emotion but I'll get through this. I will. Biiznillah. To a better me, to a better someone, to a better future.

Felt super on top on weds, which was really nice. Kak K & his mom, really sooth my confidence. Thank you for liking dear me.

Renewed my roadtax, bowled. Kinda good score at first. Today however is a lil particular rough day a bit. Waking up to a lil anxiety at heart then sadness. Hmm. Then awkward afternoon. A lil unsettling feeling but I got this.

Current jam: Arwian Dwi - Satu Shaf di Belakangku. Sweet as honeyyy.

Reflecting Idk myself if I'm ready. 80% is me being my best version of myself, healing, making way through. 20% is finding him.

Saturday night,

TGiaH

A panicky gift + exhausted.

This week been a roller coaster (specifically this weekend). Huhu. Haha. Anyhow, I feel my heart soften as a b-side of still proceeding with this taaruf-not-so-taaruf thingy. Hmm. Feeling like ahh stress why do I hae to put all the effort into someone who is not interested in me? Ahh geez. Benci2. Penatt. Nak nangis. Tadi maghrib auto angkat takbir terus nangis cam bdk kecik dpn Allah. Allah. Ana kalah. This battle? So tiring. Why oh why someone like him? I really like his family but him? Idk ya Allah. Ahh. I feel the tears coming. To put my ego aside eh? Huhu. I don't even know if he can accept me. Another stab in the heart. I prayed if he is the one to Allah to soften his heart, to have the criteria I need in a husband & father to our children and for me to be the best spouse, mother & daughter in law. If not, let my one and true jodoh to ease his affairs and everything (the 2 rows I just stated). 

His uncaring nature. Hmm. Another side of my concern. Will he be able to have empathy to his wife? Lesser of my concern, his ability as a leader. I still need to get to know him. While.. Waiting for someone else to come. Think this of polishing my skills. Eceh. Sampai nangis2 kau. Huhu.

May. Monday 1st May - holiday & Thursday wesak day. Got a bit of rest in. First time oncall ccm. Nervous a bit but not too much. Had a lil Weds scare to the clinic with the power cut. Guess have to integrate solat hajat everyday this month. Today work kinda felt like wanting to work full 8 hours. But I need to rest.

Thursday open house at surprisingly his housing area. Ahaha. Thw whole story was basically so funny. Didn't expect his house to be in the same area as the open house just a couple rows away. Then, when searching for the house I basically park at his house without knowing it ws his fam house, went all the way to the last house only to find out we were at the right lane. Uturn back, lahai it was the house I just parked. Rushed & panicked, asked H to put the gift in the letter box to almost him to open the door to almost scratch his sister's car. Alhamdulillah that didn't happened. Anyhow, that's that. Didn't contact him since that day. 

So where are we heading?

TGiaH

Aidil fitri 1444H, a passed away, taaruf-ing still?

Today seems like a more positive day. Hehe. Took my time a liland still manage to come in to work 8.50 ish. Now at FAA. Been missing last week post. Well. it's eid & I was at Kedah.

Ramadhan recap: I managed to finish the Qu'ran. Got 12 days fasting to pay back. Ahh whatsapp my roommie S, so kokokok. Hmm. Serabut sikit kepala.

Mak Lang passed away on first night of Syawal so we had to go back to Kedah. Kedah.. After so long. No eid celeb, no eid clothes, eid prayer on the road, just family together and eid food potluck. The way I like it. Mak Lang bought us together on eid at Kedah. Then, 2nd syawal until the day of work (night time) just raya thingys. Haha. Tired and feeling like I need a social break.

Oh I managed my first raya ootd. *pat in the back*

How's taaruf-ing? I feel calmer now. Didn't expect him to actually text on the 20th April. Guess the taarufing game is still on. Hmm. Let's follow the flow for now. Just I noticed he noticed the time we didn't text + a lil awkward on starting the conversation. So now back to neutral. 

Okay la. Toilet break. 

TGiaH

Taaruf part 6 update / last of Ramadhan.

I teared up just now. Ughh. It's just unfair for me. I prayed for my jodoh to be soften his heart whoever he is, but ends up I'm the one who gets my heart softens. Ahhh. S oh s. Whyy. I even ask advice from a coworker. My private life exposed. Kukuku. It's been almost 1 week since we've talked. Will that our last talk or will it to be continued? My head already planning to wish raya while my heart said oh don't ever go there missy. Logically there's nothing wrong to try though I'm confused whether he's interested or not, probably cause he's confused himself. There's no reason to say no. Ouch. Straight truth. Except his unreadiness.

Just to put a lil timestamp:

10 Mac 2023: First whatsapp

12 April 2023: First meetup

15 April 2023: Last text

This difficult Ramadhan is coming to a near end. Sadd. Huhu. Certainly difficult with me being so stressed then crying then 2 times period, depressed for not being to khatam al-Qur'an. 1st period 1st night after tarawikh then the 4 in the morning of 27th. Alhamdulillah today, somehow somehow manage to 1 hour period break. I'm never gonna give it easy next Ramadhan. Idk why I was so sure that my period gonna be 30days apart. The precious 2 days. 

First raya with cookies I bought and duit raya for the kids. Giving 1k for my family. Ahh. I do feel I lack adaah this ramadhan. My father huhu he makes me worry. Oh Allah grant my parents, my family good health. I need to tidy my room.. Manage my finance tracking, putting eid money. O last night the standing fan stopped working at 2, maybe a sign for me to make doa. This ramadhan, a lot of jodoh direction doa. Have my heart been opened to a new adveture?

Will see,

TGiaH

Taarufing. Will this even end? Mid Ramadhan.

Idk how to say. I thought today was gonna be the last day of my misery. But Allah says other wise. Huhu. Sampai hati Allah seksa ana camni. All in Allah's plan. I was hoping he spared me a few minutes of his time. Again, who am I? Tingling of my old friend, pain. Allah forgive me. Idk still either this continues or end 

1 ramadhan & I'm my 17th juz. Alhamdulillah. Had a facial at cuura this week and iftar with F. Had a family iftar on my mother's side here at our house, officiated the vietnamese coffee at midnight. But well, I went in to sleep early cause I worked today. Work was nice Alhamdulillah.

Raamadhan is nearing the end. Ahh. It's gonna be nice.

Allah, direct to what's good for me,

TGiaH

Taaruf? Okay lahh. Depressed + tired. A night over the police station.

Who says taaruf-ing is fun? Well, this week I'm depressed and tired. Took a few days gap between chating though everything I initiate. He does sambut though and still quite consistent with his replies. So yeahh. 1 week left. 7 days count down to the end.

Been talking to Allah a lot, how tired and exhausting the process is and how I wish the person is sincere too and have the same intentions, values, goals etc. But yeahh, life not that easyy.

Ibu got into an accident last jumaah. Thought nothing serious until my sis told she's bleeding (lips), shoot I took off from the office. Ibu was okay (Dr checked), a night over at the police station, morning at the police station. Worked both saturday & sunday. Lots of sleep. And yeahh tomorrow's monday.

Tadarus Qu'ran count: Juz 7. Ramadhan Day 11.

Allah, help me.

TGiaH