An update.

I'm planning to write about my Indonesian student exchange trip tomorrow In Shaa Allah. It was amazing, I love my whole time there.

Tbh, I don't feel like updating but I still I feel obligated to do. I regret had to private my blogs for reason, and these days I'm just wondering if I should just like write a journal instead of blogging. This been on my mind, because of my style of blogging and for privacy. It's just that I love blogging still, and it's always better to keep things virtual so I don't have to worry of my journal to get lost or something.

Still, that's that.

Aidil Adha is less than a few days now, so everyone's at home. H has got his university offer, UPM but changed to UTeM, my father's uni. I guess everyone is as normal, but me? Idk. Normal but weird, haha. Gosh, I love my family Ya Allah, I don't think without them I could bring myself back. I'm so grateful.

Lazy update,

The Girl in A Hood

I've tried my best.

Written in the future.

I'm getting way better nowadays and slowly my new self. My old self died but well..

I don't really know if I want to rant but I think it would help my healing progress. I know it's gonna takes years because he was special to me, but I know by time I will get there.

Meeting him I was doubtful. I was supposed to delete my account but he message which I thought for a few days.

That was a mistake. I tried ways to stop talking to him but I didn't work.

I was also stupid because I realise (in his terms) he 'like' me late. Although I know he don't. He doesn't even know me so that's impossible.

The timing was also great with the lack of sleep, my tight schedule. Ugh. I should've stick to my no. But I had a lot of doubts because if it was any other time, I wouldn't even think about it.

My stay in the masjidil haram was filled with solat hajats and istikharahs. I made a lots of dua for him and my to make the right decision. Eventually, I thought if things with the girl that he's meeting on Eid doesn't work out, maybe I will agree to to talk to him. I secretly prayed that things worked out for him because I was scared and doubtful with him from America. Is this even possible.

So I did talk to him. The timing was also great. Frustratingly great. I had my period just as I sent the first message back to Malaysia which conveniently means when I was thinking that it's a no for me I wanted to wait until I can prayed which also means I was gonna talk to him for a whole week. Knowing myself I don't make big decisions easily.

Did I liked him? Half-half. There were some things I liked and some I don't. Did I cared? A total yes which I concluded in a way I loved him. It wasn't easy for me at that time. I was tired, sad, scared and at the same time trying to control how I felt because I was sure he was not gonna accept me as I am. I wanted things to stop. And when he told me it was difficult for him to accept me as I am, I knew it was my chance to stop things there. I read back and thought he was just being nice when the fact he is wouldn't want to continue. I thought I did a favour by saying to stop here. It's probably hard and embarrassing for him to say so I did. That night in a quite long time finally I slept feeling relieved because things ended.

But I'm stupid wasn't I. My dad caught me crying. That's a huge mistake. Everyone should know I was fine. If my dad didn't know caught me crying he wouldn't never have sent him a message (I got made at my dad for that) and he would never have called.

He cried? That couldn't be true. I couldn't even say anything because I might cry. I was even more dumb to email him after that. Everything was a bunch of lies. Why did I even believe him? Because he cried which changed things 180 degrees. I realised I didn't only just care for him. The whole incident made my feelings submerged. Doesn't he already know that he's the first ever guy to know me and the first non-mahram guy I have feelings. He made things from easy to hard.

Everything was confusing me. The same dream my dad and mom got which both didn't know each other dreams. And the ilusion I saw. How was I gonna move on?

I cared for him. I was worried about him a lot. No guy cry that easily. Even I was so embarrassed I eventually asked his mom and sister if he was fine. They read and never reply. I was starting to think something really bad happened to him and it was my fault.

I was relief when I saw him online. He was alive. I did another stupid thing which lead to another. I wanted him to really badly forget about me and move on. When he posted which I don't even know what that means really.

Everything was confusing me. The same dream my dad and mom got which both didn't know each other dreams. And the ilusion I saw. How was I gonna move on?

Too late I come to realised that I wasn't the girl that he liked. He only like the things I showed without knowing my flaws. He wanted that girl he pictured in his mind to be so perfect this and that. I wished I told some bad things about me as well as the good or better make a terrible so he could run away like a coward.

I blame everything that happened on myself. Hurting someone else especially someone dear to me hurts me the most. Also grieving for a loss. I couldn't do anything but prayed. Almost every single day I prayed for him. Two rakaat of solat hajat for him almost every single day. Asking Allah for someone better for him, that he actually loves, with the things that he wants which is good for him, that'll make him forget everything about me, someone his family will adore, one that wouldn't bring difficulty and hurt like I did, one that can make him smile, that he'll spent his whole life in Jannah. And please please ya Allah for that person to never be me. It hurt me more than ever. I had break downs multiple time in a day. Cried every day. And worse I had to live with pain that spreads to my whole limbs. A pain I had to live by everyday. As if the throbbing pain in my heart wasn't enough. The old me died I never saw myself smile. Every smile I put on feels fake. It was pure torture and I put myself in it because I didn't know what else I have to do.

Eventually the pain was too much. I used every bit of my strength and I had to talk to him. I'm grateful I did because if not, I would never able to heal on my own. He was fine. He was happy. Sometimes these days, I still cry but rarely with the pain has gone and every time I just said to myself 'He's happy. I did my best." stops the crying every time.

I didn't only prayed for him but also his family. I prayed for them to always be blessed, happy, live with ease. Even at one point because I thought his dad was sick, I prayed solat hajat for him. I was so innocent to thinking that a family that actually never cared how my family feelings after being disrespected and all that perhaps the family leader is sick which is why he never called. My poor dad waited a month for them to call but nothing. At least his family is fine.

I know I'm not really a good person. I wished I confess my bads like there were times when I was young that I didn't understand Islam like why I have to pray and why my mom likes to forced me being this and that. There were times I left my prayer. I'm not a pure holy religious person like others. I had my struggles. I rebel at my parents, lazy and all that. Even when comparing I had countless of encounters with non-mahram guys in primary school unlike him.  I'm not as good as him. If only he could see this part of me as well. Plus, with my physical flaw. I'm just a burden and an embarrassment to my family.  I don't him to go through hardship because of me. I want him to be with someone better. I really want that for him. I hope he understands.

I wanted him as a friend but not as a partner. I don't want to be with ever either here or there. But after seeing that he never really cared for me, I don't ever want to be his friend anymore. He's an ungrateful ignorant person that is. I would've been in that situation if it wasn't because of him. I was so worried all the time. In pain.

Now, I want to be by my own. For as long as I can remember, I reassured myself I'm gonna be fine on my own without being married. Up until I was 22 that is. Now I understand why. I'm not gonna hurt anybody else ever again so I just be please I am on my own. Allah is always with me and that's more than enough. Sometimes I think if I didn't have Allah, how was I able to survive the six months of torture I had to went through with no one I could vent to. Every time I think of this, I cry. I really don't have anyone other than Allah.

I have my goals. I want to help. My family first and foremost. The financial crisis my family in. Helping my brothers to become men and at least responsible for the family as well. And as life continues I would always be wanting to help everyone as much as I do. Maybe setting a better healthcare system or full time volunteer dedicating my life to medical crisis. Something I'm so into. As my husband, I always cherish the dream I had when I was 15 playing snow and snow balls fights with someone I felt in my dream is my husband. It's the only thing I have and there wouldn't be any more than that.

Well this is all the past. Even writing this I have to squeeze my memory. I can't remember things and I don't want to. Everything was just a whole loads of pain and there's nothing happy about it. I was better without him, am better without him. He doesn't belong in my life and I don't either. Eventually in the day of Judgement, when we have to testify for each other. You will know. I know I did my best even the impossible so that's good enough.  So..

Goodbye, stranger.

Post Umrah Life.

Today's Tuesday, 2nd day back in the office... The guys are currently renovating the office, the girls are cooking and I'm currently writing because the kitchen doesn't fit me in it. Haha. H is here too, with a bald head.

So.. How is life?

Umrah was spectacular, I will try to blog about it soon In Shaa Allah. A little sick, with a productive cough and sore throat and all which is a little weird because I rarely do have difficulties coughing out my mucus. And work is work, got to relax a bit actually, that's the reason how I managed to find time writing this. Still planning all the stuffs for student exchange, while my own office will be opened back next week In Shaa Allah, hopefully. Because my iphone I use for business broke down during my exams, and I can't really have an alternative now I found out it can't be fix. May Allah ease, please.

And I noticed...

That I changed. I'm being less happy. And why?

Actually, I do have the answer. But I can't tell because I can't be honest. Who thought of that?

Allah, please help.

The Girl in A Hood

Ramadhan update!

I'm currently waiting for my father to pick me up to go home, so I guess I would blog for a bit. It's already the first of June & past half way of Ramadhan.

Still, things changes even just about 10 days from my last blog. Like how I discover things about others which I probably shouldn't have, or actually maybe be it's best that I know. Wallahi, just leave it to Allah. I'm focusing on stuffs other than exams, and things moves on so fast, that I'm actually grateful I'm taking time off from my business. Imagine almost 4 years working all year round, and then taking a break to set back my focus feels so good. Hope it goes well once I'm back, plus I kinda need money.

To be honest, I'm not really feeling this Ramadhan. It's nobody faults but mine, for sure. Like each Ramadhan I would be focus on not listening to Kpop songs and all that, at least try to. But this year, I go with the flow. Taking my time, in a positive way building my journey to be better each day of Ramadhan, instead of bam giving all at the first day. I'm trying, In Shaa Allah.

I'd pack most of my things (mostly books) to bring back home, just leaving a bit like clothes and things I still need to use. Will be home to pack my things for umrah, and go back to finish 3 of my papers. Haha. Let's hope for the best. I can't wait going back home for iftar, tarawikh, and sahur together with my family, nothing better than with family. But deep down, I appreciate things being like this. Me, celebrating Ramadhan by myself away from family, with friends. I got a lot of time to reflect, and like things move on. Like how I miss my younger self celebrating Ramadhan with my whole family, one day I know I will miss my Ramadhan days in my uni. Not just Ramadhan, the things here. Is different.

Can't wait to be home,

The Girl in A Hood

Ramadhan Again//Final Exams

Its already the 5th Ramadhan, Ma Shaa Allah how time flies.

And the semester is ending too, my first paper is in another two days which I just started studying 30 minutes ago.

Honestly, I don't know what I should blog. My life? Well, it's changing.

Ahah, maybe I should tell you guys my Ramadhan plan.

It's not something special but every Ramadhan since I was in form 2, I tried to finish the whole Qu'ran starting from the first juzu' to the last. Of course I failed during my first two years trying. But I was persistant about it, and it become my constant Ramadhan goals.

I also want to be a better person by being closer to the Qu'ran. Everytime reading, I don't know I feel calm, relaxed, like it's only me and the Qu'ran, no rush.

As well, for my other goals it's pretty similar to everyone else.

Oh and something I've been practicing is calling my family everyday, it might seem absurd to some but I was that person that too into doing something else when I'm in other place, that I don't contact my family as often. I figure I should care about them more, reminding that I'm here for them, that I don't mind being contact everyday other than every week. That's something I learnt during the past 1 week PRU holiday. Maybe I should blog about it. Maybe. :)

Wheras for my 'love life', I am certainly in love, keeping myself closer to God. *winks* While that's my intention, I'm still gonna be single for a while.

I need to go for my Zohr prayer, Ramadhan goals right?

The Girl in A Hood

Medical Volunteer Mission to Senderut.

Okay, as always I'm crazy for still writing this when I have an assignment due tomorrow! Aka sterile individual assignment, progress 1%. Pray for me!

Since long time ago, I always wanted to go on a medical volunteer trip in rural areas, no electricity, no internet, no all those techy things and stuffs. And I have to say the chance finally come about 2 months ago, and I just had to give my name (and my roommate, since I'm a noob to this thing), one of the best decision ever.

We had a team of pharmacy of 4 (we're supposed to be 5), and I was the leader, insane! More to that cause I lack of experience. Haha. Glad the team was supporting habis! And yes, we dispense meds under the supervision of a doctor. Which we all are so excited about.

We did quite a lot, from medical care (dispene ubat, yippee!), home visit (with my ameh), jumping off cliffs to the river falls (seriously, I have made respect for what happened), playing tricky mind games until late a night (black magic, lihat sekeliling, pukul nyamuk, apa kaitan, green glass door) , riding 4 wheelers (with Dr Yusuf), getting sick in the middle of the wood (more like toxin fever and gas).

And the orang asli is very nice, I love talking to my ameh (Ibu) and menang (adik) (it's in Bahasa Semai). Learning the language is a struggle but gladly they speak Malay very well. My ameh learn on her own kot! And the one thing I really need to learn to be like them is that they never complain! A single bit. When they're in pain, hard labour, lack of facilities. The way they speak is so nice.

Hope I get to do more of this stuffs again! And meet them again!

Ameh Sainah, menang (Danish?), jangan buhuk ye,

The Girl in A Hood 

Weird but okay la.

I don't know how to explain this and still unsure whether I should tell you guys. The midsemester break left me being tired. It was busy, but it was only one of the factors.

I was kinda cool with it, until the one texted me, on the very last day and I was already on the bus.It was it the bus, made me red, and a lots of prayer. I'm so not use to this. Yeah, this post is about a guy. I for once never text a guy anything not related to work, then him tested me out from my comfort zone.

Until the Saturday, I had no intention of making an istikharah, cause I don't have any feelings and know very well, marriage wouldn't happen in the very very least another one year. I want to keep my heart safe, for him. The one. Now I'm certain I need one (istikharah) to keep my heart in place, and start thinking about it. Time flies, and I'm a soon to be grown up and need to think about these things. I still keep my principles up, I keep our text that day very short and to not talk but only the important things

I don't know much to pray, but I'll definitely have to istikharah and solat hajat perhaps soon (if would be nice to get some tips too). I definitely for one, trust Allah plans so in the mean time, it's still me studying and being single.

I trust Allah,

The Girl in A Hood

Update: I eventually made istikharah on May & yup he's not the one. So grateful this was just a momentory moment.