Eid 2020 with Covid-19

Eid came this year. The last day of Ramadhan I was really really sad as if I was really not gonna meet Ramadhan again next year. I don't remember if I journalled about it or not. The continuing of semester starts in just a few days. I still not ready yet for it. I'm trying to finish out my writing for the disability project. I really suck at it. Huhu. Hope I get it done soon. I still have a lot of other things on my to do list to do before study starts. And this is just checking one of it.

Eid this year surprisingly isn't that much different from other years except having the Eid prayer at home. Every thing else is as if normal. Among visit within family that is. And... I still got Eid pocket money so Alhamdulillah! And grateful everyone is safe.

Oh I just remember I was abled to khatam ends before my period started once again. Alhamdulillah.

I wrote so much the writing, I barely wanna write here.

TGiaH

Me Before You.

Rewriting what I wrote in my journal.

I'm watched Me Before You and it's lil funny that the guest speaker of the podcast I'm listening also has a spinal cord injury. This is telling me that I should be grateful that despite my disability, I am independent. Alhamdulillah. The movies tells a lot of things like life moves on, doing the best that we can despite the unexpected results and also the main one (sorry if I got this wrong) is sometimes being selfish is selfless. Putting ourselves before others. In this movie, the guy decide to die (I forgot the exact word for planned medical death) despite the girl insisted. In a way, he was selfish but in another it's not. He knew the girl deserves to explore the world much more and things can't just be put a halt because of him. Despite she knews what she wants at that time, it's not the best for the future. Like in the movie The Theory of Everything. Of course we dont know the future. But in some ways, will the girl be happy if the guy went along with want she wants knowing that he is never truly is happy. It's selfless thing giving up our future for others but also isn't selfish asking others to do as we want when we know they're not gonna truly be happy.

It's complicated but sometimes I think of that these days. Decisions can be both selfish and selfless.

Who before who?

TGiaH

Collateral Beauty.

The second movie. I wrote quite a lot. Collateral Beauty. Quite a title huh. A deep meaning to it as it seems. However to simplify is like saying every cloud has it silver lining or as AA said after the damages is done you'll see the beauty. Thanks AAs for recommending the movie!

So I'll write down what I had journal on 10th May.

Love, time death. Love is within us, time is a gift and death is inevitable. Death again. Is this a sign or just something for me to ponder about. A remainder indeed. Shed your skin, find your life. I don't quite understand what it's supposed to be? Is it to be vulnerable and naked? Out of the comfort zone? Perverant hallucination? Do people explore death before their death? Or are just everyone to scared? Why are we so scared? Thinking back, I used to think I'm ready but now I now I lack so much that things are not gonna be worth it. So how can I live my life to the fullest? How can I used my time? By serving Allah the best I can although at times it can be hard. How about the death of a loved one? Am I ready for that? I'm not ready for that either. Losing the ones I loved, I have to be ready to let go which I'm slowly trying to fully absorb the concept of everything comes and goes. Only He remains.

I think my time is up and I have to go. Btw, I would have love if the three things were actors not spirotual beings like some said. It's better that way. More real.

2 down. 1 more to go.

TGiaH

Ramadhan 20: Movie Reflections

It's now the night of 20th Ramadhan. The last ten nights. I really need to step my game now. I've ctaching on my language games, doing Ramadhan challenges daily, my Quran recitation is on track (I finished my batch one too) and not yet miss on watching the Ramadhan series Yaqeen put out on Angels which I love. I helped with my dads most days, the food orders can be handful sometimes, but it gets me moving so Alhamdulillah. Oh and did I mentioned I finished my Introduction To Psychology course? I'm proud of myself for finishing. I tried applying for the cert so let's see if I can get one. I wanted it just to proud of myself and prove myself I can do it! The downside it's my mood, which sucks at times and also I forgot all about my Quran lessons! So I'll put it on my schedule for tomorrow.

End of last month, I started writing my thoughts in my old unused school books (bc I want to throw them anyways). It funtions as a brain dump or nicer words journal, somewhere I can placed my thoughts in as well as try to used it as a tool to gain control of my mood and emotions. It s sucks really. I really miss my old self because of this. Hmm. Anyway, for the past few days I watched a few movies. Some of which I wrote a reflection in this notebook for me to later write in down here. The ones I did reflections on was PS I Love You, Collateral Beauty and Me Before You. I probably write another post for the third one but lets see.

The movie P/S I Love You. I actually read the novel when I was young but dont quite remember. What I do remember it's a movie about a passing love one where in the last letter ask her to find love again. The movie has some indecent scenes but that's what you get from an english movie I guess. Funnily, all three have the death of a person. Made me reflect a lot. I reflected that this movie that life moves on but love is still gonna be there. Everyone have their own chapters in our life. The chapter ends and they are gone. All is left is to cherish.

I'll continue next morning bc I have to sleep!

TGiaH

Ramadhan First Moments..

It's Day 7 of Ramadhan. Funnily I feel demotivated than ever. Huhu. Guilty.

I'm here to just insert a little moment of what I went thru when Ramadhan came. I was helping my dad with some online banking thing, I wanted to finish it fast before maghrib and when the azan came I just realise wow it's Ramadhan again. I get to meet Ramadhan.

I did a little Ramadhan prep mostly for my mindset, I don't know why it's crumbling today. It sucks though, not fasting makes the Ramadhan moments less special and real.

I'm fed up with my self,

TGiaH

Online counselling?

A few days ago, I was getting fed up of my negative mentality that's ingrained in my head. My progress is so damn slow and I keep coming back to this limiting belief. I'm not good, not worthy, no one ever gonna like me so and so. So I search up online counselling, browsing through thinking whether it's worth to spend the money (in other words my poor piggy bank) until I stumble across an online venting site.

And... I tried it. Taking turns between being a venter and listener. And surprisingly or not suprisingly (I didn't know what to expect. Lol.) it helped me. Lucky for me I guess the listener were really positive shifting my mindset back to what should've been. I realised a hour ago. I feel like myself again. The clam, gentle, happy, confident person I was. Don't know yet if this gonna last but I'm sure I'm strong enough to hold on to what they said and plant it in my mind. I'm a great person, I'm worthy, disability of mine is more of a challenges and normal for any couple to have, it's not something that decreases my worth, someday someone will see me as the amazing person, the values I have and uphold and the list goes on.

Before I started to blog this, I watched some Jubilee videos. Feeling inspired, I wrote some questions and answers in attempt of me trying to visualizes my future life partner. I realised I still see my future of being strong independent woman eventhough I'm starting to believe having a life partner maybe a part of my future, I never see the picture unlike how when I was a teenager I visioned myself studying higher education & working. So here are the questions & answers (very raw, undeveloped ideas mind you).

What do I value?
Honesty, vulnerability, openness, independence, love & care, respect, communication, loyalty, trust, strength, faith.

Do I have those?
<unanswered)

What do I search in partner (values)?
Trust, love, respect, support, faithfulnes, growth, joy, balance, safe, peace, intimate (in context of emotional, honest, vulnerable)

What do I have?
<unanswered>

What do I wish to have (which I don't have)?
Gentleness, clamness, stability, strength, peace.
Btw, it was S's birthday yesterday, I wish her happy birthday and know what she did the sweetest thing of screenshot-ing everyone's wish and giving a sincere thank you shout out. What she wrote for mine was: "Thank you <my name+emojis> i happy sgt dpt berkawan & bersahabat dgn <my name+emojis> suka dgn character & akhlak yg ade dlm diri you. You really have a beautiful soul inside out." It was very sweet eventhough I didn't quite get what she lik about my character. Still long way to improve but still it's the first anyone has ever said that.

Wow. This is an accomplishment. Not written long posts in a while.

TGiaH

Wasting 3 days of my life.

I had my period of 29th and I attempt to break my routine by allowing myself to waste all the time I had (originally 2 days) for 3 days. By wasting I mean staying in bed all day and attempt of playing games.

The results? It was very not me. Super non-productive and all. I felt like this is all very useless, why even I wasting my time, playing games with goals that are not gonna benefit me in real life.

This was kinda a fail actually tbh. I ended up doing my online classes the second night and even on the first day I helped out with the business. Haha. 

After the end of the days, honestly it's exciting getting back to my normal routine which before this attempt I think it was so stagnant. I realise it's not. Now I'm back trying to find time helping with the business & house, online classes, resting. Thinking back now I'm busy back.

Delayed entry, but who cares.

TGiaH