My hand surprised me.

I'm attempting to make a funny title, but second thought it sounds weird. Hrmm. Whatever.

The story:

An hour ago, when I was buying lunch as usual. Usually either your bring your own container or take the clear plastic bag (the one you need an elastic band to tie with no handles). And as usual I put the dish (egg, vegies and soup into the plastic).

I look at my left hand and I blinked for a moment.

Wait what?

My left hand is holding the plastic just fine like any normal person and it didn't feel tight neither I was loosing my grip on the plastic. No different from a normal person.

Was it always like this?

But I knew today is probably one of those days my hand is doing better than normal. Or it is also possible my hand will go back being tight any moment.

I guess I just have to be grateful I have small moments that my hand is doing fine and don't have high hopes for more. Might seem ridiculous to say, but for someone who has this struggle even the small moments counts a lot.

Btw, just a side story of yesterday. I had really long breakdown. A cried and still sobbing for an hour in the afternoon and like another 20 minutes at night. I still need to figure how to not be low but sometimes there is no reason I am low. I was thinking because it rain all day (but rain is comforting for me) and I had too much fun and laughter the night before (we had our class gathering and played all sorts of games). I hope today is better because I need to get more work done (because of my breakdown, I was less productive).

Sometimes I wish you can talk, dear blog.

TGIAH

Changing the blog's name.. Thoughts? Please?

I was thinking for a while to change the name (address) of this blog..

The reason is because I want kinda like to keep this blog public even if it's just a very small audience. (And it feels good to let things off my chest).

And.. I still want to keep it anonymous to keep myself the 'space shell' I had before, so I can write (with vulnerability, apparently.)

And... I don't like being undecisive of one day making it public, then another day private. When I can just stop being bother by this.

But.. I've been using this blog name for a while and it seems such a small reason to let go.

So..

What should I do?

#dilemma

I didn't expect someone like that exist..

It's feels so long since I wrote probably because I start talking a lot which in turn mean I've not been blogging quite some time. Yeah. If you are wondering, I use this platform to reduce my talking in real life because I know not everyone has the time to hear me talk and apparently I talk a lot (sorry!). Not to say, the most random thing that cross my mind and not common topics most time. Well, that's a long intro.

So the story is...

Like two days ago. I was scrolling my instagram in the explore feed and for some weird feeling (like says it's instinct but random at the same time. Lol.), I saw this one post. Why I say it's weird because I suddenly went to scroll to this person Instagram which is so not so me. The person's picture, captions, the way the person writes captivate me to read. Made me think is the person a writer (with good photography skills apparently) bc I want to have the book if it is. Turns out the person is teacher but occasionally a speaker in one of islamic institute that I love to keep updated with (but apparently have not the chance to afford yet). So I guess that is the connection where the post came up my explore page.

But one thing.

One thing that made my heart stop.

He's young but his wife has passed away (looks young btw. Idk how old is he.).

And one thing. I never saw someone who 3 years his significant other has passed away and choose to be independent, loving her soul still (and actually breathing the same air as me!). The little snippits I read on his choice on heart break, relation and moving on is so similar to me. What I thought the unclear balance. That's there. A living person is living the situation that years from now. It's me. And speaks me which (I just randomly throw here, if it's stupid just ignore):

• It's okay to grieve. No matter how long. It takes time, in your own time line. It took him three years after the death of his wife. In his reference, the first year every thing matters. Second year, he kept the most important. Third year, comes to the most most important (the wedding dress!). (Sorry if this wrong, but I have bad memory so yeah.) And that's when he knows he have made peace with the memories and moving on. Still on his own pace. Say me I'm stupid but that's rare to see. When one day that time comes, this is gonna be me. I know because I'm going through it now. I do my own loving a person who left myself. No one has the right tells me the time is too long because I know this is my moving on and this is me being strong.
• A mature person knows what loyalty is. It doesn't mean you can't move on once a significant other left but taking the time to still love that person while knowing the difference and time in loving someone else whole heartedly. And not just because it's a replacement or band aid of the past. Which people nowadays do (which I'm mad at them at them. But everyone have their own reasons). Choosing to be independent and investing on one self, becoming better for our self. Taking time to let go. 
• Marrying a person it's not just about the marriage side of marriage (knowing that person can handle responsibility, good lineage etc etc). But loving for the person him/herself instead. Because I know I love that person soul. It matters less what the people see. Kindness, compassion above everything and that's what I love. How the person is striving to become a better person. The effort. And yes, of course the flaws which I wouldn't like, the mad disagreements that would send off the wall. But I know I still love that soul. And I choose a soulmate because of that. Doesn't matter if it's friendship, partnership or marriage (still applicable).
• I'm much more than what people see. At times, I'm clumsy, unthoughtful, dumb, careless, messy, lazy, forgetful, make tons and tons of mistakes. And all times, I'm physically disabled. But I genuinely care, genuinely love helping, genuinely love making others smile, I choose to wanna be kind, understanding despite what others will say, resilient, strong, independent, ambitious, calm, gentle (gentle one day, okay? Cap locks on this one). And apparently all times, capable. #peace Those who know, they know.
• One fact that hit me hard because I know I keep blaming the person for this. I badly want my old self back. The one that is happy and strong. The past self that wasn't hurt, wounded and broken. But the fact, you can't expect that you can be your old self after a heart break. You can't. That's the fact. But the broken self that I was is proof that I survived and make me the stronger person I am. In his words, fearless and unbreakable. So I should stop making hoping to become my old self one day but embrace the new me.

I know I'm a terrible writer but this is me journalling my messy thoughts (because I'm too lazy to edit as well). I probably gonna read back one day and ask what on earth I'm even saying. But everything is clearer. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, ya Allah for giving me answers.

Since I'm a terrible writers here's snippets on what he wrote;

"I see my wife beyond that, beyond her pain and illness. She is attractive with her undying spirit to live and she is beautiful with her amazing soul. I feel her raw emotions when she speaks goodness of others – of how her eyes light up with pure sincerity when she tells me tales about her life and people that matter. I feel her genuine warmth with the way she describes her life goals – she is the prettiest among any girls I’ve known of. I would marry her, for her characters, for her soul – I thought." 

http://kamal-effendi.blogspot.com/

And instagram.

Thank you person that through you, Allah gave me clarity. It means a lot. May Allah bless you.

Peace,

The Girl in a Hood

Edit: He's probably someone famous but I don't take note much on famous people. So, sorry his fans!

Lemon tree

There was a cute quiz that's been around like 10 days ago which I decided to do. The results were pretty interesting. So my Focus Type Analysis results was Lemon Tree which I did not see anyone get the same results as me (neither does Coconut). Haha.

My initial response: *confused face*

What my friends comments on my results:

- "You tick every sentence."

- "Wah. Eternally Love."

- "Yeah. That's true."

While my response towards my friends comments are:

- "I don't think the results are true."

- [A while later] "Maybe, it's just what you girls see on the outside but there are a lot more that people don't."

So that results say...:

Calm and gentle, showing eternal love. 

(I had to search up what eternal love means bc it does not make sense. Haha. Definitely not calm and gentle! Wish I am though.)

You are emotionally stable 

(Nope. I literally had depression and breakdowns.  Multiple times in a day the worse. Crying myself to sleep. Felt like I'm a broken thing. Yadaa yadaa. DEFINITELY NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE.)

and friendly.

(I take this. But I'm less friendly nowadays.)

You are emphatic

(Yeah. But most people are too. I'm not as emphatic as people think.)

and you care a lot about you loved ones.

(Yeah too. But I guess some are too stupid to realise this. :P)

Focus on details

(I don't even do that nowadays.)

and may you treat others with kindness.

(Is this sentence supposed to be and advise or what? But Aamiin anyways. I prayed that most of the time.)

In conclusion: I hope someday the results resonates with me. Someday. For today, let me heal fully first.

Fun fact: I hate sour things though.

The Girl in a Hood

Productive Mid Semester Break

Just wanna show off how productive I have been. Lol.

Saturday: Cousin's wedding
Sunday: Niece's aqiqah & birthday party

Monday: Family day
Tuesday: Carousell
Wednesday: Went to Putrajaya Ministry Depts + Settling my mom's house in Rawang
Thursday: Assignment & homework day
Friday: In charge of booth

Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Back to uni

It may seem not much. But I defnitely didn't have much time to breath until Saturday came. Anyway, I'm still glad & grateful I used my time well. :)

Will update what happen on Weds soon (I wish),

The Girl in a Hood

I don't eat oden but I work there.

There's an oden kiosk at our cafe. Last week Monday, they said they want a part timer for 1 hour. So I decided to take the chance even though I was nervous.

Turns out I did a great job. Plus, they hired me for 2. So I got 8 bucks for that! Alhamdulillah.

I guess. With financial issues and stuffs, I don't have much option to find money because at least it put my heart a peace a bit. I'm trying to sells stuffs online, instant noodles offline (which is going well) and work part time if I could. So if Allah wills, I can earn a bit.

I guess the pleasure time of just dedicating to study is over. But still, I'm grateful. 

May Allah grant me chance to always help my family,

The Girl in a Hood

When Allah wants to show how our rezqi is meant for us.

So this is a story of a week and a half ago (I know I keep postpone my blog posts but let's set that aside. )

That weekend I was really productive I had volunteering work 2 days consecutively and some was back to back (that was just a divert from the topic).

Since finance is a bit tight now for my family, I'm always much more cautious of where my money go and this time I was worried about the transport.

I was working over the booth on my own because it was my shift but somehow I was alone. So.. I was thinking I have to pay for myself the grab fare because of course I would be too tired to walk back to the mahallah from the office of campus director which is on the other side of the campus. Still, I say Alhamdulillah that I still have money to pay & basically the previous grab fares were covered by the NGO.

But suddenly my friend came, turns out she had a solat break and of course she wants to go back together. So the fare is split to 2. Alhamdulillah.

Then while we were waiting for the grab (turns out the grab arrived earlier but another car was blocking so we didn't notice), another friend shows up wanting to go to the same direction. So now th fare is split into 3. Again, Alhamdulillah.

To end the story, the one who was in charge of the booth told me that she's covering the grab fare for us. So basically it's free! Ma Sha Allah. Again & again Alhamdulillah.

I didn't thought it would turn out that way. But certainly, it's a great reminder for me to always be grateful & trust Allah that our rezqi never wrong.

What is meant to be, is meant to be,

The Girl in a Hood