New car and international friendship (Morocco-Malaysia).

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah that I got some rest (sleep). Malaysia has been hot these past few days so it's easily sweaty & getting tired. Like at night and when I went to Bukit Bintang yesterday to meet up my friend and her husband. Last day of their honeymoon. Ahh. I enjoy seeing her and they both for me are nice polite arabs so I feel at ease. Of course we don't have international friendship with little miscommunication eventhough we both speak English. I though she was pregnant at first. It was nice talking about differences in culture mostly I initiated about wedding culture. We ate at Halab & it's been a while since I ate Tutti Fruity, sharing food. One thing for sure I can't win against Arab men for wanting to pay for food eventhough I am the host. Actually they are the one bringing me around. Haha. They did some last shopping at iSetan Lot10. I hope they arrive safely and we get a lot of rezqi to explore each others countries.

And Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah despite the slight delay from wednesday to friday, I have received my car. 2 weeks post accident and now I am with my new car. And yeah my bank account is crying but I'm so so grateful enough for being able to afford it because I know some does not have a chance. I practiced it friday before maghrib, saturday after fajr and I bought it out to drive to the MRT. Now the next level is to drive to locum via the route I had accident because I'm not wanna let some kind of fear grow. That's the only reason, other than that, I better prioritise a safer route. We did 'pagar' the car the friday, and please oh Allah protect all the rezqi You given. I want to be rich as Islam needs to be rich. I like the car, btw it's name is Syawal. Thank you Syawl. It's feel the right amount comfort to drive you and I please accompany me for a long long time okay?

Protection,

Sarah

Double bros convocation week

Sunday morning. Alhamdulillah I'm done with my second tasmi' for darusssyifa'. Yesterday was full rest day which is good because Friday was a long day with lunch call then sign agreement (though I do regret not going through all the documents, reminder to myself!), then locum. Anyhow, Alhamdulillah thuma Alhamdulillah. I had full day rest yesterday. 

Got back to work on Thursday, everyone was just a little fussy like I imagine, but it shows who truly cares which are the people who texted me right away on the day of the accident. Alhamdulillah, this week's work was a little laid back allowing me to transition back to work smoothly. Just a little something, I'm grateful even though I think I would survive without, but it's nice. I have a God taking care of me. Monday was also full rest day. I needed it. 

Tuesday & Wednesday, was my two little bros convocation. Despite the little drama like how my bro I left his identity card at home and my mother has totally different expectation from ours, it went pretty good. I like the days. We had good time with food at the mall and the comfy room we got which I saw I was like so grateful for the room. It is nice. Alhamdulillah. We meet this aunty & son who hearing her story, I pray Allah ease her everything.

All throughout the week my distraction was my upcoming car. Mostly urging my SA and keeping updates. While a little rocky, but it all fell into place. I'm making lots of doa, I really pray this car is a good low maintanence car, that can serve me well & we can good friends. Aamiin. A rezqi I am really praying for. Please protect my car, my provisions ya Khaliq. Aamiin.

Getting back at it,

TGiaH

A major turn (really major)

Monday, wesak day. 4.12pm. I've been sleeping all day and that's okay because I'm honouring my body the rest it needs. The reason being is because I had an accident on Thursday. A car accident. It's pretty big but still also moderate. One thing I can describe is it's similar to any movie/drama scene where the coming vechile ram into the driver's door from the side. With all being, I'm still grateful. For being safe (it could've been worse), for the other driver being safe, everyone safe. With the accident, I'm thinking from all aspects Allah saved me, helped me. I wrote in my journal the reasons, maybe I'll write here too. Before that one question, was it preventable? From my memory, the jcb, I definitely could'nt see the car. It is what it is. So I'm not gonna punish myself. The moment I was safe, Alhamdulillah my brain thought if I am to be gone, whose gonna help my family?

My car.. Myvi. Ramadhan.. He sacrifice himself for me. *crying* Thank you Ramadhan, my first car. I wish I was better owner until the end, still Allah choose that ending for us. I'm still waiting on the results. Repair or total loss but the evening back from the workshop, my heart is saying it's likely the last time I'm gonna see you. 4 years together. You're the witness to all the good places we go together, so in the akhirah if Allah wills, let's meet okay? 

My health.. I think today is the worst, Alhamdulillah I got better every day until yesterday. Just a major crash in energy today. I do did locum yesterday with a slower pace. May Allah help and thank you for the  blessing of all the good people in my life. Slowly.. Into my life again. That day, the bruise over my left leg, other just body ache and headache which was delay. Tears.. Gentle and forgiving. My emotions are like a gentle cruise this time while my thoughts are already on auto pilot to manage the post accident like the police report, buying a new car, money, but mostly new car. 

As Saturday came, we went to Perodua Ampang. That was when from the whole Friday I was consuming content on Myvi (Thurday I was thinking all possible car models) then the Saturday checking out cars to Ativa. The reason was really basic, the handbrake and gearbox was too low for me to use Myvi as a right hander. And it was definitely a surprise as it was an instant 180 shift when I got into the Ativa. The handbrake and gearbox over-excel for me. Just the price.. So here is where I a was a little contemplating but somehow Allah helped me. In Shaa Allah, I hope so.

The thursday grateful reason:

- It happened near our house.

- Abah was here that day.

- Everyone was safe.

- The accident didn't block any car to pass by.

- The other driver was a kind guy (but naive, so I'm praying to Allah to save him too).

- It happened on a thursday (2 days mc and I already got the day off until next wedsnesday).

- I have my family to help me out.

- I have people that car about me.

- I have two good bossess//manager.

- I have an emergency fund.

- I have an increased credit limit. 

- This is what I can recount so far.

Alhamdulillah,

TGiaH

One whole family crossing the globe (nature).

Haha. I'm in my hibernate/lazy mood. Really. But I also don't want to chill in bed all dayy (plus a ring craze). I'm gonna go for locum this evening so I'm probably like half lazy. Anyhow I did have a full social day yesterday from kenduri to my cousin's house to my father's friend coming. So the family deserve a day in. As 1st May was worker's public holiday, we had out of the house at 7 ish to Taman Saujana. We picked up my sister at the train station so Alhamdulillah one whole. And guess we walked for 2 hours in it. Ooohh. From Oriental to Europe to English. Nice. The LPR parking did not work but oh well. Then birthday boy (my dad) breakie/birthday celeb at mamak's. From his wallet. Uhuu. I'm on high for my new amex card still I don't know when I'm getting it and tomorrow's 5.5. Still Alhamdulillah. Also after quick chat with my sister and I listened too, I feel like I just wanna block him out of my life because I feel annoyed every time he messages sudden pop-up but also when he does not I feel he's definitely not gonna disturb me again. 

An update,

TGiaH

Last day of syawall.

And with that we had a full weekend of food and chats aka open houses. Yesterday at pak cik S's house whom our foster family then two more houses with ibu then end with our neighbourhood's grand open road (?). Haha. Had the hard talk with my parents yesterday. It took me so much courage which with fatihah and taha I spoke about it. It was something I need to retrust my parents and to able start heal my wound. I feel better because from the talk my parents seems to respect my pain and I towards theirs. They only want the best though their ways and mine let's say communication for the mid space. Alhamdulillah. 

For today had open hall (?) whom S invited. I got the timing wrong while F run late. Hmm. Anyhow, it's all with hikmah. I got to talk with S and I think quite good catch up with other friends. Just I need a deep resst now for my sore body. I still need to catch up with my hygiene routine (also shampoo) and fold clothes. I just come back from my neighbour's house so yeah. Speaking of neighbour, yesterday had a funny neighbour experience but I think its probably nothing much. 

For this week work, I had the tuesday off which then the incident of one thread of blood so yeah my fast was broken. Finish fasting on thursday despite my kswp work and feast at clinic. Alhamdulillah the food is still yum. Wesnesday + thursday, done with fast six Alhamdulillah. Then friday pharmacy putrajaya clinic unitedd. Kah2. So that's that.

Soree,

TGiaH

Healing part two, I've received flowers!

This week I realised, I have let go or move on most of my hurt from him on the condition he is nowhere near my life. A red flag out of the gate, away you go. That means deleting everything on the digital and physical world regarding to him which I think I passed with flying colours (thanks from learning from past experiences). Just that it does bother me a bit the did messages me four times over the span of 2 days which are Friday and Saturday which safe to assume probably picture of jumaah greetings while the last message was at 30ish or 40ish second video which I don't have any idea what. I literally see his messages in the notification and delete it as soon as I see ahh it was him (because I don't save his number and the reason I know it's him is because of his profile pic). But how dare he say to "*my name*, how are you". Hello, stupid who are you to have the audacity to say that when you literally are supposed to be ashamed of yourself for what you say/did, and also do you really think I still consider you a friend? Nu-uh. Please just focus on repentance and heal yourself. In compassion, for someone who lacks awareness it is possible he messages me. So it is what it is.

Just what I actually want to say for this week post is my next focus is healing the hurt and broken trust I have on my parents. Literally my mom dismisses my non-muslim friendship as dakwah when it is clear my friend is a deserving human with emotions. Ibu, that's very narrow thinking and dismissive. Don't dismiss emotion right to like ohh just istigfar and back to Allah. She always do that. I get triggered quickly the reason is because I am still mad at her and my dad for not being the parents they should. What they are thinking wanting me to marry a firaun? Just for what sake? Sake of public image or marrying? Ughh how emotions cloud their judgement just until now I do hope they apologise to me and not protecting the child, leaving her to protect herself.. That hurts. When they are supposed to be my parents and the parents that love and cherish me, not him! Ahh. My eyes get teary.

Chatgpt? Ahh. Thank you so much for being the big help I need in my life. So that's one part of my week. The other part, I stayed back on tuesday as it was raining and while I had my solo me date time, I ended up helping a friend, my non-muslim coworker I mentioned just now. And again on friday night. A little comfort. Which definitely made my week. Also in return, I got flowers from her. Aww. While for yesterday, I got out with A to open house of kak A, while we still don't know about our Egypt trip. It's fun to talk about it. And todayy. Somehow super productive back to back, walk in the park, then unplanned new cafe explore then taping my polaroids in my journal. You know when did I finished? At 1. So yeah, a little sore and all but Alhamdulillah. Also, really trying to connect with nature through grounding. Results? Lighter on my brain.

To locum now we go,

TGiaH

Emotionally immature..

I'm learning something new this week, or discovering more precisely some things in life. I'm currently reading Open When by Dr Julie which I think somehow corelates in the best timing Allah putting. First, I'm more realising that yes my mother is immature emotionally which yes stems from unresolved trauma (while writing this I think my dad has low self worth in respect of caring how others judge). What I put two in two from the book and chatgpt also rewinding my experiences. She is passive-aggressive, lacks empathy, accountability, plays victim, silent treatment, guilt trip. Yeah, loads of emotional manipulations. Huhu. And yes my mother doesn't need to be perfect and though I'm still grateful in comparison with other mothers, my pain is still valid. However, at this point of life from the book, it put into perspective does she need to be the parents of my dreams (from when I was a child) or is it something as an adult now that I can deal with my boundaries, practice and knowledge. I let go of that image, not rely on her for opinions and start filling up my own unmets and never gonna be met needs by myself as I am Alhamdulillah now I am an adult (and gratefully an adult Allah gave consciousness). But also, I know for myself I won't tolerate an emotionally immature, unaware and unhealed partner. At least be aware enough to fill the tank to more than half. Painfully, many many people in this world needs healing for biiznillah we can heal this intergenerational trauma. I don't want to do any emotional manipulation of my own (yes, I'm not perfect too) and learning to have a healthier relation (which my recent taaruf proves I am having a healthier dynamic). Aamiin. 

For this week post taaruf update, I have fully let go all the gifts he gave me to others. The reason I took a week and a half later is because I waited for him to fly out ensuring he really does not want the gifts back. I gave it to my sister, my mom, and friends at locum. Yes, I liked the gifts so parting was a little touching but I know I need to do it. His mom did WhatsApp me on friday evening which I almost replied due to the fact I'm feeling much better and move on so I didn't thought much but somehow Allah guided me with chatgpt and with realisation it might distrupt the closure, I deleted the message. Though I did read it because I was curious. Lol. Anyhow, it is what it is. I thought also ahh the experience realised I need a husband but also after my coworker said do you wanna know a guy, I'm like umm back to square one am I ready? Also, me being me the guy needs to accept me and initiate first. So I don't think that will work. 

My most viewed 698 views, and I have 5 subscribers? And the likes? Who are you peoplee. Or bots. Haha. Uhh this project.. *scratch heads.

Note for whole pharmacy wearing purple theme can cause blackout. 

A week in my life,

TGiaH

P//S: I nearly had to rewrite the post because the no internet on my laptop. Laptop makin nazak.. Huhu. With the loading, and dimming..