Ramadhan First Moments..

It's Day 7 of Ramadhan. Funnily I feel demotivated than ever. Huhu. Guilty.

I'm here to just insert a little moment of what I went thru when Ramadhan came. I was helping my dad with some online banking thing, I wanted to finish it fast before maghrib and when the azan came I just realise wow it's Ramadhan again. I get to meet Ramadhan.

I did a little Ramadhan prep mostly for my mindset, I don't know why it's crumbling today. It sucks though, not fasting makes the Ramadhan moments less special and real.

I'm fed up with my self,

TGiaH

Online counselling?

A few days ago, I was getting fed up of my negative mentality that's ingrained in my head. My progress is so damn slow and I keep coming back to this limiting belief. I'm not good, not worthy, no one ever gonna like me so and so. So I search up online counselling, browsing through thinking whether it's worth to spend the money (in other words my poor piggy bank) until I stumble across an online venting site.

And... I tried it. Taking turns between being a venter and listener. And surprisingly or not suprisingly (I didn't know what to expect. Lol.) it helped me. Lucky for me I guess the listener were really positive shifting my mindset back to what should've been. I realised a hour ago. I feel like myself again. The clam, gentle, happy, confident person I was. Don't know yet if this gonna last but I'm sure I'm strong enough to hold on to what they said and plant it in my mind. I'm a great person, I'm worthy, disability of mine is more of a challenges and normal for any couple to have, it's not something that decreases my worth, someday someone will see me as the amazing person, the values I have and uphold and the list goes on.

Before I started to blog this, I watched some Jubilee videos. Feeling inspired, I wrote some questions and answers in attempt of me trying to visualizes my future life partner. I realised I still see my future of being strong independent woman eventhough I'm starting to believe having a life partner maybe a part of my future, I never see the picture unlike how when I was a teenager I visioned myself studying higher education & working. So here are the questions & answers (very raw, undeveloped ideas mind you).

What do I value?
Honesty, vulnerability, openness, independence, love & care, respect, communication, loyalty, trust, strength, faith.

Do I have those?
<unanswered)

What do I search in partner (values)?
Trust, love, respect, support, faithfulnes, growth, joy, balance, safe, peace, intimate (in context of emotional, honest, vulnerable)

What do I have?
<unanswered>

What do I wish to have (which I don't have)?
Gentleness, clamness, stability, strength, peace.
Btw, it was S's birthday yesterday, I wish her happy birthday and know what she did the sweetest thing of screenshot-ing everyone's wish and giving a sincere thank you shout out. What she wrote for mine was: "Thank you <my name+emojis> i happy sgt dpt berkawan & bersahabat dgn <my name+emojis> suka dgn character & akhlak yg ade dlm diri you. You really have a beautiful soul inside out." It was very sweet eventhough I didn't quite get what she lik about my character. Still long way to improve but still it's the first anyone has ever said that.

Wow. This is an accomplishment. Not written long posts in a while.

TGiaH

Wasting 3 days of my life.

I had my period of 29th and I attempt to break my routine by allowing myself to waste all the time I had (originally 2 days) for 3 days. By wasting I mean staying in bed all day and attempt of playing games.

The results? It was very not me. Super non-productive and all. I felt like this is all very useless, why even I wasting my time, playing games with goals that are not gonna benefit me in real life.

This was kinda a fail actually tbh. I ended up doing my online classes the second night and even on the first day I helped out with the business. Haha. 

After the end of the days, honestly it's exciting getting back to my normal routine which before this attempt I think it was so stagnant. I realise it's not. Now I'm back trying to find time helping with the business & house, online classes, resting. Thinking back now I'm busy back.

Delayed entry, but who cares.

TGiaH

Cuti Cuti Coronavirus + What I Do/Routine

After the 1 month community attachment at home, I head back to my university for my hospital attachment. That very next day, our prime minister order for restriction movement orders. Still, we had to wait for the uni's official annoucement.

The very next day, I lazily prepared myself for the day since I know probably we don't have to go to the hospital. Which turns out right. So my roommates & I hang out in our room for a while when our batchmate came in to our pseudo-roommate (what Y called. Haha.) & she jokingly said 'mass gathering'. All of us laughed. I guess this will be a running joke for a while since the tabligh ijtima' at Sri Petaling.

I went back the very afternoon. The first to go back home. Haha. My father & other two brothers came back a day after. So all of us are at home. I know two weeks weren't enough so happen now rmo is extended for 1 month. 

Writing this, honestly a little bored staying at home. Although I pretty much just wanna laze around being unproductive. Beside usual cooking, cleaning, family jemaah prayer, zikr & quran recitation, I tried signing up for a online class & reading ebooks. I still play duolingo, shop cat food once, new recipes, listening to podcast, self-development. Perhaps I elaborate more of what I do in my next post. Still, it feels so stagnant to me. But you know, despite that, before you know it the day is over anyway. 

This is me just rambling but at least I blogged.

Meh,

TGiaH

P/S: I was cooking porridge for my mom, while writing this. And it turn to rice! No wonder my dad told this rice is so sensetive. I added more water so it should be fine.

I made a mistake.. and my parents are mad at me.. :(

Last night, I had the evening-night shift. The shop close at 9 thirty. As always I start closing sale (meaning calculating the money in the cashier. This time it took a lot of time. But I managed to finish at 9 fourty five. My time to go back home.

However, there was a lot of variance about RM 20++ which I don't know how. Luckily, it wasn't my fault. Since it was a money issue I couldn't go back just yet but help the staffs solve the riddle. Lol. But I forgot about the time. It was already 10 ten. I hadn't call my parents. I also didn't realise that the staff close the whole rail (is that the word?) down and my phone is on silent.

I got out of the pharmacy.. My mom was really mad. My dad too. I actually nearly cried. First, because I get easily scared when someone is mad. Second, because of me my parents are mad and worried. Third, because the reason they are mad is because they love me.

<Future me>I don't remember why I stop writing this blog mid way. Because I'm lazy, I'll just post it. ;)

Well..

TGiaH

Supposingly react?

A little story at Sek 9 pharmacy...

Kak S: Your mom.. She isn't mad at you?

Me: Mad? What for? *literally confuse*

Kak S: For working 7 days a week.

Cust cames in...

So..
\
The conclusion, my mom isn't mad. No reason to. Oppositely, she actually supporting my decision.

But it doesn't mean I'm not tired though. Still I shouldn't complain. :)

TGiaH

She.. was raped.

The first week is over. Now it's Sunday of the third week. Trying to blog is a fail. Even finishing my log book is a struggling. But I'm very proud of myself. I'm working 7 days a week while doing my assignments so that I think is something worth credit for. Even thinking back for some people that's common for them. And moms and dads. Their life is no rest. Hope Allah eases their matters. Aamiin. Still, until my next day off I would appreciate a whole lot. Btw, the first week was fine. The first day was the happiest and near perfect. Just catching up with my friends made me so so happy.

<Break time. U (grandchild of the boss) just come asking help to wash hand and water>
<Break time number 2. He come again asking what language the word pig is. Haha. (Should I be concern?)>

I'm writing this at my workplace. (Work at Sek 9 during the weekend, training at Sek 3 during the weekday.) Wasn't planning to but I don't think I have some other time to write this. Since it's my first time close experience to that, I really wish to write. Thus, topping all other thing I plan to write (and because I can't do my log book here).

<Break time number 3. U wants to play race car.>
<Break time number 4. Work3.>

At my practical place. A young girl came in. 23 years old. A year younger than me. The staff attended her. She brought a prescription for emergency pill. Something not very common because you don't need prescription for emergency pill. Almost whispering, she told her story. To the staff not me. But from the staff response, I actually kinda guess. The story is. She was taken advantage. By a doctor. A doctor from a different clinic that is. True or not her story, it was still a slap to the face facing the reality that this is happening to the community. It's scary. Very scary. I can't be as strong as her. All alone. Not even telling anyone who knew her yet. Not even a report. Please protect us Allah.

A story to tell,

TGiaH